Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVII, Issue 16, 19 January 1924, Page 17

Wit and Humour

THE WAY OF A MAID. She was a maid of notions strange Concerning man. Her fancies took a, goodly range, As woman's can. ■ \. .. She said she loved an eye of gray— 1 ■• ■ My own are blue. I would I could in any way Have changed their hue. The sort of hair that pleased her best Was brown, she said. Which caused me oft supreme unrest— ■ 'My* own is red! '•-.'■ . • ' Her taste in "nose" was aquiline; , Oh, cruel rub! In vulgar parlance one like mine Is termed a snub! ■ She liked a stately man and tallAlas, ray fate • - ■ Has blessed me with a stature small Not five feet'eight. ' She doted on a figure slim; ■■■•'•' Without a doubt I could not satisfy that^whim^ • ■•■' : .For I am stout. ■ And, ;knowing this, how could I-dare (A boor like me) • .-■'■■■ To ask that maid her'life to'share ■ My wife to be? ■ . .. And yet I did j Egregious ass, , I must confess; , . I popped the question—and, alas! ■ She answered, "Yes!", • ' —"Bulletin.".. German Beggar (pocketing marks):, It used to be that when you asked for money you would only get some.food; now when you ask for food you only get some money. - ■ ■ ■ ■ , ■ ■ ■ ■ . ■ Employer: "You have entered the debit item under.credit." Book-keeper: ''Yes, sir, I'm left-hande-d. "Gentleman (little dbg) wants. R ome ti" T 0?™ 3 or bed-sitting preferred."— Ladies Paper. „.Punch hopes tho little fellow will get the kennel he wantc. - American Husband: Why is1 it, dear, that with the abolition of the saloon there has come such a great increase in the number of divorces? His Wife: I suppeso, darling, it's because so. many'men have no place to go to but home. ' / • ■ ' ' Teacher: "It's too bad, Jimmio has been, abspnt three daya. Jimmic's Mother- ; "I;, know, Miss mo"ho* r"" mUS* scream at him» lik« * Lady: "Aren't you the, same man io ' whom I gave that glass of elderberry wine last week? . \ Tramp: "No. mum, an' I don't think I ever shall be. "Yes, sir, Shallup is not only a newsF^ r T n\., bl'f-* a ,? ent'«>nan-" "He must lead a double life.'' The Flapper (to her friend): I told him my name was Madeline, and now I don't : know how to spell it. - ; ' kvl ho" tne literary club was a.failure." Yes they established a. rule . that you coukl^only talk about books you had ,-n?' ick ner:i. I'? l. a little s«ff from; bowling. Uoaen: I don't care whore you're from, get busy out into the ■ field. , Mr. Ernest Newman regards "The' Ros-™™-f ' .Prr? 0'1." 1 s wor^ so"?- Punch autWs Sof V 8 OW for .*• where.'' 6 Bmalle3t S &a^ n PartnCr: J The Father: What prcjof hare you that you can support, my daughter ? "The 4swor^ t^ IsLf, ch c 0rri^ V*ntto!]othe / - Jockr*' brind °' baooa are ye smokin', "I dinna ask him!" .From judge: How. to write a iaz? song success: Take something composed' by one of the. masters iand just decompose .!!?T rann 7' are your teeth good ?" left "' my darling- ■; for -1 haven't; any He.: ,")?'d 7<»» ever think of eettin* mfnH'" d? V 3*"5-" "It>s n «ver entered m f mind " "I'm 6orry . Don . t bothe ™S tK;»t- a,,mmuto- You've, started me hniuKlTig, "What ia this Almanac de Gotha ? Any jokes in it?" s< 'Plenty, my boy." ' m^"'« Xuc,y^"Ma, I've bet Alfie Summers my hat against a star-fish that you d ijive me, a ponny for some chocolate, y^ou donft want me to lose my hat, Hubby: "I've told you time and affain that your ecctravaganoe will dnvo me CTaY ! W!.f<flr: "And y°u ' ÜB^ to bo so happy whan you- told me, my. beauty drove you craiy." .. '. "Have you «ver aeen a murder?" ask?^.r > c tram ft accosting the traveller said the astonished traveller' and I don't -y ant to." "Give us a bob* and you won't!," said the tramp. ' Mrs. Bing: "Oh, I wish these recipes would be more 'definite." Mr. BineWhat's tV(e difficulty, my dear?" Mrs Bing: "This.one tells how to use up old pottaoes, but it does not say how. old • the potatoes must be." . . Camera' Man' (fo farmer).—"i' ve V U st taken a few" movinsr pictures of life on your .farm." ; Farmer.—"Did you see any of the men m motion?". Camera Man —• 'Yes, I did." . Farmer.—"Well, well science is a wonderful thing, to bo sure" . Miss'Yourp: "How did you get all those wrinkles?" Mrs. Old: "From worTJ"}5-" "What did you worry about?" About getting wrinkles." Farmer: "So you are the new fellow Hud any experience?" Labourer- "Yes' sir." Farmer: "Well, .which side do you milk a cow?:1 Labourer: "The outside, "It is very, annoying," ho said to his wife when they returned from the bridjre party; "you asked what trumps were at least n dozen, times.' \ "Yes, dear I know," she explained, "but I really didn't have to. I did it to show I was taking an interest in the game." "Grandma, have you seen the.coins the Government, are now making — three nieces to a peiyiy?" asked a youris? hoiv. ful. "No." said tfie old lady wi"^ m°Si intsrost. "What are they like?" "Two farthings and a half-penny," answered I tho graceless youngster. Nurse was bringing little Betty home from a party,/and took her hand to help *"9r "P a high curbstone. "Good gracious Betty," slid cried, "How sticky y OU r hnnds are!" "So.would yours be" replied Betty snrone'v, . "if you had' hyo mprinrues and a chocolate eclair in jour ruoff."

CONDITION, NOT, THEORY. Hobbs: I really believe you have stopped your worrying. What brought about the.change ? Dobbs (cheerfully): My : troubles are more real than they used to be.