ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXV, Issue 27, 1 February 1913, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

SOMEWHERE THE SUN'S NOT SHINING. What boots it that the Sun is hot As any Atric Hottentot? Or thai, tho pavo doth simmer like A boiling kettle; or tho pike )s drably dusty in the heat That streams incessant on the street? Chorus. Somewhere the Sun's ICot shining ! Somewheie are drifts of snow. Somc.vhero an icy-lining Enthralls some Eequimo. Somew hrre Somebody's sneezing Some Walrus tooralays, And with his measures wheezing j Tells us of IlAPrr Dats ! 1 Why grieve because the Mercury * Is^ somewhere round one-tv. entv-thrce ? Why mope because there is no lack Of moisture coursing down your back ? Why cuss because a humid streak lias left jou spineless, worn and weak? Chorus. •Somewhere the Clouds are rising And shutting oft the Sun. ~ Somewhere a paralysing Old Blizzard's on the nin. Somewhere Somebody shivers In ice-bound Arctic Bays, And zoro-wcatlior quivers With hints of HAPrr Dats! Give up these meanings of cTespair O'er August and her torrid air. Refrain from plaints because no breeze Or zephyrs kiss your leafy trees. Cease caviling because your bed Is hotter than a tin-roofed shed — Chorus. Somewhere a blast is blowing 9 That's colder than tho deuce. Somewhere the ice is flowing O'er River, Dam, and Sluice. Somewhere the Esquimoses Are singing songs of praise Straight through their frosty noses To Haiti, Happt Dats! — John Kendrick Bangs. Now York Life. THE PICNIC GIRL, She's gold of hair and blue of eye, She never keeps her hat on, And always puts the custard pie Just where it will be sat on. A FAIRY STORY. As tho cobbler stepped into his s>hop his scold of a wife started to lecture him unmercifully for coming in late. "Be quiet, Zenoba," said he, affably. "Today I have had a great stroke of luck. Coming home I met a fairy who had lost her way. I put her on tho right track, and out of gratitude &he presented mo with this jjair of clippers. Whoever puts on the fcf{. ono becomes invisible. Then, if you put on the right one, you reappear. You will s>eo that this present is very valuable, because w-o will bo able to mako lots of money with it." Zeuobia became still, and stood overcome with curiosity in front of her husband. "Come," said he, "let us try it once." She slipped on the left slipper and positively in tho saino instant vanished away. "It is really true !" said the cobbler, astonished. " She's gone !" Then he took tho right slipper, went out of the house, and threw it in tho deepest well. INTERNATIONAL ITEMS. A happy millionaire has been seen in New York. Thousands attend daily to view tho novel tight. While acroplaning- in France. Monsieur De Plunk had an ecr removed by a wireloss telegram. Business is brisk in Japan. Ono storekeeper in Tokio is reported to have taken as much as Is 4gd during Christmas week. Elephants for household pels are selling in India, at 4d a yard. Young elephants arc procurable in litters of 12 at par. A Greek oyster merchant in Dublin ha 6 had a leg bitten off by an oy&ler. A youth, aged 103, at Dunkirk, was married to his young cousin of 101. The parents are objecting on the ground of the pair being too inexperienced to undertako the responsibilities of wedlock. Adclaido Observer. Glasgow prides itself upon its tramway system, and at times the citizens discuss in the press, through the medium of letters to the editor, the manners of Glasgow car conductors. Generally speaking, these manners aro all that can be desired, and the undornoted tale shows that a, car conductor may not only enforce the regulations, but may do so wittily:— "l suppose," said a lady, "if I pay a penny for my dog, ho will have the same privileges as other passengers— that is, he may have a seat ?" "Certainly, madam," replied the conductor ; "on the same terms as other passengers. He will not be allowed to put his feet on tho seat.' 1 "You see that man walking across the toad?" "Yes." "Do you know why_ he always carries his umbrella?" "No, ' "Because it can't walk." The Lawyer— You understand the nature of an oath, don't you ? The Lady (a little flurried)— l beg your pardon ? Tho Lawyor (tebtily) — What is the nature of an oath? The Lady (triumphaatly)~Profano, isn't it? "I hope you are following my instructions carefully, Sandy— the pills threo times a day, and a drop of whisky at bedtime." "Wool, nir, I may bo a wee- bit behind wi' tho pill?, but I'm aboot 6ix weeks in front wi' the w husky." Agent — Then we'll consider that settled. Actor— But— cr— what about tho contract? , , Asent— Oh, that's all right. A verbal contract '11 do. Actor—Laddie, listen. The last time I had a verbal contract I drew a verbal salary . "All I demand for my client," demanded tho prisoner's counsel in the voice of a man who was paid for it, "is justice.'' "I am vory sorry I can't accommodate you," replied the judge, "but the luw won't allow me to give him more than fourteen ycare." "What's the wages, mum?" asked art applicant for a, situation las cook. "I'm willing to pay you whatever you arc worth," was tho reply 'T\e never worked for as little as that mum 1" caid the applicant. "My dear," said a husband, to ( his wife, "wo must both economise — both. ' "Very well, Henry." she replied, with an air of dutiful subnwfcion, "in future you bliall shaie yourself, land I'll cut your hair!' 1 "Do you believe that money makes tho maro go? 1 ' nsked Dubblcigh. "Sure," said Wiggley. "As soon ns a man gats money he buys an automobije, and tho mare goes for what she's worth. " I had a queer experience labt night. A mouse ran up my trousers legs, and "Gee! Didn't it scare you?" " No. You sec, my trousers were hanging on a chair." "So you think kissing dangerous ?" " Indeod, I do." " You must have kissed the wrong girl." " I know I did." " Her brother handed you a wallop ? "No; sho married mo. "And how is the now minister getting along?" "All right, apparently. He scorns to be able to expound the moral b\v without offending anj of the inlero«ifc in tho pews." Tt was a party of visitors seeing the sights of Pittsburgh, that finally entered tho oowervntoi v presented (o tho eitv liy Mr. Flnpps. Tlio curator, wlulo showinjr them around, was called away on bii ciliPis, and lrft tho \isitort in diargo of one <A tho clork« The\ imuio to a bc.uUilul «t;ituo which was admired immensely. It was of iramluient marble. He pointed out the cxi-ollonec* ot the st elite, told tho namo ol Uio srulptov, and showed it fiom every uewpoint. One aeked r "Alabiwter, ifin'i iM."- "So," Lo said* "Jguui." ,