ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 94, 22 April 1911, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

HE SAID GOOD-BYE. He said good-bye for ever With great disdain, And vowed that he would never See her again. The girl made no endeavour To have him stay. He said good-bye' for ever And went away. Life's path is full of dangers, Of places bleak, Ancl they wore utter strangers For 'most a week. l>ouisville Courier-Journal. THE SECRET OF THE SUFFRAGETTES. Jan.. Smithers was a suffragette of thirtyfive or forty. Her close-cropped hair gave her an. air quite strenuous and haughty. And Though her maiden's bloom had fled, the fires of youth were far | from dead. Worn out from speaking, late one night, she subwayed home to mother ; (Their bills for rent and nutriment were footed by a brother — And portraits of the Pankhursts graced the modest flat, eovero and cbaste.) "My dearest child," her, mother cried, "this life is very wearing. Come, drink some tea ; confide in me — your manner seems despairing ! 1 greatly fear that all thi6 fuss is more or less ambiguous." "Don't breathe it, mother, if I tell," Jane answered, sweetly blushing ; "This talk austere of woman's sphere is what men call four-flushing — When equal rights have won the day tho men will be our easy prey "i i times gone by we had no choice — those ages dark are closing. Equality will mean that we can do our own proposing ; freedom at last irill bo divine — I think I'll take a blond for mine." The Club-Fellow. DRAWBACKS. There is no rose Without its cruel thorn. *S!o pleasure glows Without some grief to fill us, in words of bliss There still lurl' tones of scornin every kiss Hides some doggonec l bacillus! Milwaukee News. THE FUTURE. Approaching one of the citizens of the future, who looked as if he might well be an oldest inhabitant, we asked him pertly if he had ever heard of Fresh Air. He nodded his head intelligently, although it was apparent that he was suffering from lack of breath. And from him we learned the following historical facts: — Fresh air was at one time used extensively by nearly all the people on this continent, who lived outside of cities, factories and schoolhouses. As the forests? und country disappeared, however, and the cities spread, it gradually went out, the.people contenting themselves with occasional draughts of oxygen furnished by the oxygen trust. Prices became so high, however, that they gradually learned to do without it. Fresh air was highly esteemed on account of its medicinal\'irtues. It was only when the discovery was made that we could remove our stomachs and lungs in infancy without inconvenience that fresh air began to die out as a curative. Physicians began first by removing tho tonsils and appendix. Now that wo are getting along so well without stomach and lungs, it is not improbable that, with the advance of icience, we may soon go about with no internal organs at all, thus fulfilling the Scriptures wherever it is said that from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath. — New York Life. FOOD FOR THOUGHT. Accompanied by an instructor the new entry into the automobile field was out, bright and early, in his new touring car. They were circling the park in rather a wobbly fashion. "I suppose," he casually remarked to the chauffeur, as he took a .fresh grasp on the speed lever, "that you have been around with worse than I?" The man gave no answer. "I say," he repeated in a louder tone, "I suppose you have been around this couree with worse than I?'^ "I heard vefy well, sir, what you said in the first place," replied tho man. "I'm jest a-thinkin,' about it." A PECULIAR, MISTAKE. One of Lady Reay's recollections is of a dinner party at which she had for her neighbour Gladstone, in happiest mood. He told her of his Eton experiences and tales of terrible little Dr. Keate. The latter always had the names of those doomed t<s be flogged written down dn a narrow slip of paper. One day, picking up such a list, he called up for flogging the boys whose names were inscribed upon it. Upon such occasions the delinquents were not permitted to offer explanations, co boy after boy was castigated, and returned sore and savage to his seat. Not until the operation was complete did ho learn that, instead of the flogging list, ho had picked up tho slip on which wero the names of the boys about to be confirmed, A NAVY ESTIMATE. This business-like view and "caustic remark are i6cribed to Rear-Admiral Robley D. Evans. He entered, it is related, a church and was sshown to a pew near the door. Its sole occupant glared at him and then, pulling out a card wroto on it tho words: "I pay 500 dollars a, year for 'the exclusive use of this pew." The admiral wrote underneath as he passed the card back : "Then you pay a blank Bight too much." She — I would like that lovely pearl necklace. Look what beauties they are. He — It's better not to have such large pearls, my dear. People always think they are false. Mrs. Acker— Are your laundry bills very high? Mrs. Tolliot— No; they charge by the piece, but they lose so many pieces that it -keeps down the expense pretty well. "When a man dies, is an inquest always held?" "Oh, no. If a doctor has been in attendance the coroner is not supposed to have to enquire into the cause of the death." First Physician— Can you make anything out of the patient's trouble? Second Ditto — I think if we manage right we can make about five hundred apiece out of it. - "What's the -matter with your wife? She seems very irascible lately." "Why, she was assisting at a rummage sale, and somebody sold her nuw hat for 35 cents." Singleton — Wigwag seems frightfully despondent. He says he doesn't care what happens to him. Henpeckke— The first thing you know that fellow will be going off and getting married. "He is hard-hearted ; whenever he runs any one down with hi 6 auto, he speeds up and leaves them." "That's because he's tender-hearted. It breaks his heart to hear their groans of pain." "My husband is particularly liable to soa-sicicness, captain," remarked a lady passenger. "Could j'ou tell him \fhat to do in case of an attack ?" " 'Taint necessary, mum," /replied the captain. "He'll do it." How can >ou expect, me to paint your portrait from these two photographs when one is dated 1863 and the other 1911 ? Tho Baroness — Why, copy the head from tho 1863 one and take the goYin from this year's ! "Never let it be said that you accepted votes that were given for a financial consideration." "Oh, well," replied the man fho isn't sensitive, "I don't think a dollar apiece is enouerh of a financial consideration to be worth mentioning." "Don't you know that my little boy always counts 'one hundred before he entages in a fijjht?" "Yessum, an' he on't engage in it then less'o. fch» other , teller ketches him.