A VICTIM OF IMPULSE,

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 94, 22 April 1911, Page 10

A VICTIM OF IMPULSE,

We were yarning over our coffee in the smoking-room, and, somehow or other, the subject of impulsive action cropped up. We had all contributed our little bits of perfonal experience in the matter, and Brown was holding the floor and dogmafr&ing in his usual absurd manner. "Second thought are rarely, if ever, the best," he was saying. "There is a kind of inspiration or instinct about the first prompting of the mind that is, I firmly believe, never at fault. lam thoroughly convinced of the infallibility of impulse." "Well, I don't know so much about that," chimed in a little man in the corner, who had hitherto been silent. "I don't know so much about that." "Have you ever experienced a horrible desire to say, or do, some perfectly outrageous thing under the most trying circumstances, and at the most inopportune moments 1 I know I have, and it's a beastly sensation. "Sometimes when in the company of the most decorous old ladies I have to fight down an almost overwhelming impulse to swear hideously, just- to see what would happen, and sometimes when Fve been in church, at the most impressive moments of the service, the idea has flashed into my mind to get up with a yell, and do a breakdown or sing a low comic song, and I can assure you it has made my heart beat like mad, and I've broken out into a sweat at the bare imagination of it. And yet the more you think of it the more you feel you want to do it. • Have you ever had any fancies like that ? I guess most people have. "Well, the worst chap at the game that I ever came across was a chum of mine, Billy Waring, Poor Billy was simply a- martyr to this nightmare kind of business. "The most unholy ideas were always occurring to him, and the trouble was that he didn't seem to be able to nip them in the bud, but the beggar would 1 no sooner tihink of a thing than he'd do it. "When we were' boys together at school in H ,he was always getting into the most awful rows through this unfortunate habit of his. "I remember one day old Beetle, as we called him, the classical master, was jawing away about Roman burial customs — it was a favourite subject of his, Eoman burials — and, as usual when he got worked up on any old pet topic like that, he was perched right on the edge of his high stool, and 1 leaning forward at a fearful angle, with the back legs tilted up high. "We all had a feeling how easy it would be to push him over, but Billy did more than think; and, quick as. lightning, he banged at the stool with his latin die. and brought. the old chap down with such a tremendous crash that we thought for a bit that he would figure in an Australian burial. "He didn't, though, and the hiding Billy got ought to have kept him quiet for *a year — but it didn't. The very next day, when Elton, one of the junior masters, and a bit of a sport in his way, was coming down the corridor' at a run on his way to the bath, with the "tassels of his pyjamas swinging like mad — he was five minutes late, as usual —Billy grabbed one of them as he went past, and there was no end of a scene over it." '"' 'I can't help it,' he explained to mo when I wan jawing him about it. (We •were pretty pally, you see, and I felt it was up to me to try and knock him 6ut of this habit of rotting). 'I can't help it. I wish these beastly ideas wouldn't come into my head, but they do, and when they do I'm done for. When I saw that insane old ass yesterday wobbling over on his chair I simply couldn't help popping him over.' "Well, you might think that he'd grow out of this business as he got older, but not a bit of it — he was just as bad at the 'Varsity as he was at school. | "One long vac. I took him home with me ; he was to stay the whole two months, but my people were a bit oldfashioned, and couldn't get used to him. "The mater nearly took a fit when one of his wretched impulses led him to rush out of his bedroom, and once round the garden, in nothing but a top-hat, a towel, and a pair of runningshoes. "She called ifc nasty, practical joking, the pater said it was sheer lunacy, and I had the job of my life, trying to make them understand it was mere unfortunate impulse. "But what put the stopper on his visit was his extraordinary behaviour at the Jobbers' party. The Jobbers were pretty big people in the district, and they used to hold the most awful •dismal functions, and this one that Billy and I were asked to was one of the worst. "All the local big-wigs were there, and they had singing and music, and all that "sort of thing, with long hushes between the acts, and, after Alexandrina Jobbers had sung a dreary, dirgelike thing about mildewed hearts, or something of that unpleasant sort, there was one of those horrible outbreaks of silence, with everybody looking at everybody else, with a sickly sort of smile, and trying to rake up something original to say about the song. i "When the silence was most painful J Billy suddenly got up from his seat, j and, without a word of warning, deliberately kissed the parson's wife — an old girl, who was shocked even at open- | work socks — and then bolted from the room, leaving me to do all the explain- ! ing, and I can tell you it was not received with that warm enthusiasm that I it deserved. "After that the old people said he would have to finish the vac. somewhere else, and he quite saw it, for, | mind you, he was terribly ashamed of himself after any of these little outbreaks. I believe that was the whole trouble : he told nie ' that he always imagined how terrible the consequences would be, and that fascinated him into doing it, if you can understand, just to see. "But the worst thing of this kind that I ever knew him to do was the last, for he got such a lesson, that trig

thai ho always stops now and counts ten when he gets one of his rotten ideas — and by the time he's got to five he's generally given it best. "Well, atter we left the 'Varsity I didn't see Billy for quite a time, as he went up country to practice medicine, until one morning, as I was walking down Collins-street to get my tram home to lunch, I ran bang into him in front of the Block Exchange. "We stopped and yarned a bit, and he told me he was down to see Tom Howard married, a chap that was at school with the pair of us. I was very glad, as I was going to the performance, too, and, as I hate functions of that kind worse than seasickness, I was quite cheered up to know I was going to have a fellow-suffeTer. "After a few chin-chins and a talk over old times w© cleared out to get lunch and climb into our 'glad rags,' arranging to meet half-an-hour before the wedding, and go together. "Billy turned up to time, but I was a bit more than suspicious that the beer was fresher on his breath than the last one he had with me. He said he was feeling nervous, but I laughed, and didn't think he was serious, of course. "We got lo the church, in good time — it was one of those very toney 'sassiety' suburban ;;tfairs, you know — and Billy insisted on taking a back seat, " 'I'm nervous,' he said, 'and I don't like to ha-ve a lot of people behind me; it makes me feel as if I hadn't washed the back of my neck.' "I laughed at him and agreed, and we got into a snug little back bench, and waited for the show to begin. It was a big affair, as Tom was marrying a high official's daughter, and half the nobs of Melbourne were there. Motors lined up in dozens, and no end of carriages, and the church was nearly busting with on© of the swellest "congregations it had ever held, and that's saying something. "Presently the bride arrived, and the choir struck up the same old ' Voice j that. Breathed,' and Tom and his best man -were dragged up to the step and stuck down, looking pretty miserable and self-conscious; but, bad as they were, they were absolutely nothing to Billy. He could hardly keep still with excitement — you'd have thought he was the best man and the bride and bridesmaids all rolled into one. He kept dropping hymn books and mopping his face with his gloves, and kicking »is top hat about till I had to take them all away fTom him. "The 'Voice* finished, and the parson began to say hiis little piece, and all went along smoothly till he got to that bit where it says something about anyone knowing an impediment forever holding his peace. "There was th© usual pause, and then that unmentionable idiot beside me jumped up on the seat — on the seat, mind you, as if I wasn't conspicuous enough without that— and squeaked out in a silly kind of voice, light from the back of "the church, there, 'I do.' "There was a horrible sensation ; about three hundred necks were craned round, and heads were bobbing at us from all over the church — the bride fainted, of course — it wouldn't very well have been proper to do anything else — the organist fell on to the foot pedals, and made a thundering blare ; half a dozen old ladies went into hysterics, and the best man, nearly swallowed the ring and his gloves which, he'd crammed into his mouth, in the excitement of the moment. "Then there was a hideous silence. The parson was saying something, and Billy, with perspiration simply streaming down his face, stood staring at me with a scared grin. -.Then he said in a weak voice, 'I'm going,' and made for the door. "I felt like going, too, I can tell you; but seeing that I had a good" many ac-' quaintances in the church, I knew that I could never explain matters properly if I bolted, and as I didn't want to do the explaining on my own, I grabbed him just' as he was getting away. " 'You damn fool!' , I said; I've had enough, of this impulse damphoolishneas you're so fond of. You'll do what the parson is inviting you to do, come 'round to the vestry and say what you've got to.' "I made him come with me, and we found a lovely state of things when we | got there. The bride- was being given 'first aid 1 by her ma and half a dozen other females, and the old verger in trying to lend a hand had emptied a little silver flagron oi wine over her in mistake for water. When Howard eaAv Billy come in, it took three men. and the parson, to' hold him back. "Then the explaining began. 'Am I to understand, sir,' that you can show just reason for your very remarkable conduct?' said the clergyman, and poor Billy merely shook his head, and murmured meekly, like a naughty infant, that he couldn't help it." "'Couldn't help it, sir!' the old chap spluttered, 'what da — er, er, what imbecility, 6ir, what nonsense, sir, wEat do you mean, sir?' "Billy just turned to me, and wailed, 'For God's sake you tell him, old chap. You know it's true that I couldn't help it. When I heard the Bible-puncher — oh dash it all, I've done it again 1 ceg your pardon — when I heard the reverend gentleman actually asking me to chip in, the idea came into my head how horrid it would be if I did, and I simply had to do it!' " 'That's quite enough, sir,' the parson broke in, 'you will, perhapSi be kind enough to leave us now. You will hear more of this matter, I imagine.' And he opened the vestry-door, and shooed us out. "Well, Billy did hear more about it, quite a lot more. That evening at my diggings, as he was explaining for the tw6 or three hundredth time how it happened, and trying, with very poor success, to enlist my sympathy — the bride's brother turned vp A a muscular young brute, weighing about 13st, and after one of the livelist five-minutes goes I ever saw, he left Billy,, a' perfect wreck. "I had a narrow escape myself as an accomplice. "Later on in the evening two more brothers called — later still came Howard and the best man, who had been liquoring some, and each visit left poor Billy more penitent and blasphemous than the last. "Next day there came a 'blue letter with a police-court summons inside, and Billy, on appearing in. due time before the Bench, was terribly mangled by a brutal counsel, who asked him the most embarrassing questions^ and finally he was fined £10 for 'brawling in church.' "Then, of course, there followed the social consequences of his idiocy. Half of his acquaintances in town dropped him as an unmitigated bounder, the other half shunned him as a dangerous lunatic, i A wealthy old aunt, worth about a quarter of a million, changed her mind and her will, and cut him off with a tract on 'Drink and Its Consequences.' "But the strangest and the most terrible result of all was this. The miserable business in the church caused a lot of mntual distrust between Howard and the girl, and they quarrelled and the match was broken off. "Then the girl got an insane idea that as Billy didn't know any real impediment he must have acted as he did because he was madly in love with her and frantic with jealousy. "So sue began 10 make up to him tremendously, and Billy having a miserable feeling that ho had spoiled her life — although he almost loathed the girl— had another dreadful impulse, and asked her to marry him — and she did ! 'Don't talk to me about the infallibility of impulse,' said the little man, I relighting his pipe. 'I've seen a lot of it. It's infallible . enough ; the only trouble is it's infallibily wrong.'" — A. Leonard, in the Australasian. j