Literature.

Dunstan Times, Issue 999, 10 June 1881, Page 2

Literature.

ONE THING AND ANOTHER. Each sly Sangrado with his poisonous pill flies to iho printer’s uctU,—Horace Smith. Dr Simms, a gentlemen who styles himself “ The Unrivalled Physiognomist and Popular Speaker,” has been delivering some interesting and practical lectures on “ Physiognomy,” “Tho Walks of People,” and on other subjects. The knowledge he possesses of mankind universally is remarkable, and, had he existed in the olden times and attempted to place before tho then superstitious public his views and knowledge of themselves, it would have been rumored that he was in league with Old Slyboots. As a matter of course, ho would have been arraigned on a charge of witrhoraft, found guilty by a prejudiced jury of “intelligent Englishmen,” and sentenced to ho burnt to death at the stake by a judge having a biased opinion c- r the case and possessing just ns much kuo dgo of law as an American owl. \k Heaven, though, the dark days of supid/.tition and cruelty aro long since past ; and, as a people, wo aro daily becoming more and more enlightened and refined in our ideas of what cruelty and punishment should be like, Punishment ? Ah, yes ! punishment ’

It was one portion of Dr Simm’s programme that he should have brought before him'Ui the stage some of the ladies present, when he would, by the aid of tho knowledge he possessed, describe their characteristics, likes and dislikes, etc. One lady who wanted her main peculiarity depicted was, amidst roars of laughter, told that she was fond of eating pickles ; another, that she was fonder of her neighbor’s husband than she was of her own ; a third, that she was rayther too fond of wee draps o’ tho crayther, as the rich bloom on tho tip of her nasal organ evidenced ; and several ladies were told that they wore surprisingly foml of nursing and cuddling babies—babies that had long since grown out of those necessary appurtenances of babyhood—bibs and pinafores—and had passed their teens. One gentleman was considerably disgusted at being told by tho Doctor that if Old Harry didn’t step in and cut his career short he (tho gentleman) would ultimately come to two upright poles and a cross-bar—the gallows.

lie was a big, boisterous Irishman, just come in from the diggings, where bo had accumulated a largo sum of money, so lie determined to have “ a little bit of a spree and see life” in Dunedin. As ho meaud“rcd into the restaurant, ho yelled out at the top of his stentorian voice to a waiter—- “ Bhoy, I'll tnk sassingors, and bring thim at oust, ye spalpeen ! ” Going to the door leading to the culinary department, the waiter called out to the cook—“ Saw-sage, one I ” “ ‘ Wun ’ was it ye said, ye dhirty mud-hook, ye ? ” interrogated the Irishman. “ Bring me a dizon Bassiugora ; and, if I whant more and ye run short of thim, dish up forr me the maker of them. Wun ? I’d loike to say mesolf ating wun, so I would I ” I need not say that the Irishcr’s wants were immediately satisliod.

A young lady and gentleman of amorous propensities the other evening went for a stroll along “the golden hanks" of the Molynoux, and, after trudging for a distance of about half-a-mile, anchored under a largo rook. The couplo failed to notice that a Sundowner was overlooking their awoothearting, and taking stock of their every action. Being poetical, the spy “ dashed orf a fuo linos ” in commemoration of the sparking, and sent the effusion to me with a request to publish it in “ the noosepiper,” as it was perfectly “origynal," which assertion I very much doubt. The author calls his production

A TAIL OF I.UV. Ono quiet eve in leafy Jeon, When bees and hurds wore in toon, Two luvera walked beneath the muno. The nito was fare, so was tho maid ; They walked and talked beneath tho shaid, With none to harm or maik afrado. Her naim was Sal, and his was Jim, And sho was fat, and ho was slim ; Ho tuk to her, and sho tuk to him. Says Sal to Jim : “ Since you’ve begun it, And been and gone and done it, X luv you next to a new bonnet.” Says Jim to Sal: “My heart you’ve busted But I have allns gals mistrusted.” Says Sal to Jim : “ I will be true It you luv me as I luv you— No nife can cut our luv in two.” Says Sal to Jim : “Through thick and thin For your trew Inver count me in : I’ll court no other gal agin.” Jim leaned to Sal, Sal leaned to Jim, His nose just touched abuv her chin ; Four lips met; went—ahem ! ahem ! ahem ! Ami then ! and then! ! AND THEN ! !! Oh, gals, beware of men in Joon, And underneath the silvery moon, When frogs and May-bugs are in toon, Lest you get your naim iu the paper soon.

Tho following unique, outspoken, and wishing-to-plcase-everybody nooice is posted up in every room —from the scullery to the 11 best parlor”—of the Desert House Hotel, Green City, Wyoming Territory, U.S. Disagreeable, dyspeptic, fault-find-ing, dissatisfied tourists will find the hotel to bo a veritable halcyon retreat; and pettish, whimsical old maids mil be allowed to have their apartments crammed with their obnoxious pets. List, oh list, ye whom it concerns and interests : “ On arrival, each Ruest will be asked how he likes the situation; and, if ho says the hotel should have been built upon the knoll opposite, the location of the house will he immediately changed. Meals every minntc, if desired; and, consequently, no second table, Egyptian, Choctaw, and Ksruimaux dictionaries furnished every guest, to make up such a bill-of-farc as may be desired, without regard to the billaffair afterwards at the otllce. Any guest not getting his breakfast red-hot, or experiencing a delay of ten seconds after giving his order for dinner, will please mention tho fact at the front oltice, and the cooks and waiters will at once bo blown from the mouth of a cannon.”

To this part I particularly direct the attention of those having largo families of squalid’s and children who have a mania for destroying furniture, etc. ; " Children will bo welcomed with delight, and are requested to bring hoop-sticks, marbles ; haw-keys to bang the carved rosewood furniture provided for that purpose; and peg-tops to spin on tho velvet carpets. They will be allowed to bang on the piano at all hours, yell in tho halls, slide down the bannisters, fall down-stairs and break their necks, carry away dessert enough for a small family in their pockets at dinner, and make themselves as disagreeable us the fondest and most cantankerous mother could desire.”

The following has special reference to tho gentler sox “ A discreet waiter, who was never known lo even tell thetimeof day, has been employed to carry nulkpunchca and hot toddies to ladies’ rooms in the evening, and ilirt with them behind the door during the temporary absence of their lord? and masters, should the ladies wish it. Every lady will he considered the belle of the house. Tho office-clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and can match worsted at tho store, do up ladies’ hack hair, rouge their checks, and clip their eyebrows ; will flirt with any young lady, and not object to being cut dead when pa comes down. lie can also answer questions in Hebrew, Maori, Greek, Irish, or any other Imguugo at the same moment, without turning a hair.” This strange notioo concludes with a comical “ invitation.” thusly :

“ Special attention [riven to parties who can [rive information ns to how these things are done in Yewrup. The proprietor will take it as a personal affront if any guest, on "leaving, should fail to dispute the hill, tell him he is a darned swindler, the house a harn, the table miserable, the wines vile; that he (the guest) was never so imposed on in his life, will never stop there again, and will warn his friends.”

That choice little society of “ scientists” —the Vincent County Council—held their usual meeting on May 26, and a select affair it was, too. In connection with the Council there is one thing that I cannot understand, and if any one would answer the following query he would confer a boon upon mo : —“ Why, at the meetings of the Council, is that paragon of virtue, Or Coldough, so pugnaciously inclined ; and why docs he make himself so obnoxious to the Chairman of the Council?” It is very difficult to converse with Cr Colclough on any subject—one cannot get a word in edgeways ; and he is so argumentative that he would dispute with a guide-post about tho distance to tho next town ; and argue with a tombstone as to the truth of its epitaph. NEMESIS.