Literature.

Dunstan Times, Issue 992, 22 April 1881, Page 3

Literature.

ONK THING AND ANOTHER. Each sly Si <tnA6 With his poisonous plli Flics'to lhu printer's devil.—doßACK Smitii.

Gond pafagnphists and pungent writers lire verv scarce indeed in these degenerate days. They are just as scarce Us money, and f Hulls from whom one can borrow a pound or two now and again without hav. log to repay the loan. The principal writers that I kiioW of are I Mark Twain, Ouida, the editor of the “Lyell Argus,” Dizzy Boaconsfield-, the Wakatipn scribe, and last, but not least, myself Thinking it a breach of the rules of etiquette to keep my tonono quiet—the ladies are the best hands at, talking—l determined not io “ waste my exquisite sweetness on the desert air” by letting my facile qnil! (C 1 a dozen at friend Bogg’s) lay idle, so I smartened up this letter (just as a specimen, yon know), and sent it bv my ferocious tiger to tlie Worthy editor of this journal. The result Was that, I was imme Lately engaged to do a hit of siribbling now and then for the Tunis, and if I was a good hoy anil didn’t get drunk more than four times a-day, I would receive 15 hob a-yoar ami find myself, besides being allowed to stick np a booze once a-week at my chief's expense. Fancy, only one drillk pe’r week, or fifty-two in a year—just a nice number for a fellah to get outside of in one day 1 Never mind ! Every dog has his day. Mine will arrive in due time, and then—“Re-e-venge is sweet ” Yum, yum 1 “Nothing but outrages.”- This is the almost daily cry in the English and Irish journals. 1 have to record two outrages so dastardly, daring, and bloodthirsty a nature that my very blood i nns cold when I think of them. One was committed straight against majesty itself ; or, in other words, against the sacred person of Her Majesty Queen Victoria. The second one was directed at one of those superfluities of the law—a J.P. It appears that on the ■23 rd of January, 1831, a juvenile named Myles Ambrose— actually, ho was ten years o’ age, and should have known better—amisod himself by “intimidating” 11. M. Ginn E°q, a magistrate of Newcastle West,' by “ whistling at him in a tone of derision .” What a sanguinary, audacious young villain 1 Again, on the same date, in the same place, and at about the same hour, an Irishman named Pit. Lee also “ whistkd with derision amounting to abuse" at Oueen Victoria ! These two scoundrels were arrested on charges worded as above, brought before the Court, and were—remanded. What are the Irish coming to ? "Why, I should not be surprised if some sanguinary Irisher were caught red-handed hi the act of making a grimace at Mr Gunn, or indirectly insulting royalty by tweaking the nose of one ot the “plnshed Jearneses ” of Her Majesty the Queen’s household ! According to the local paper, the Tnapeka Borough Councillors are a rough old lot,and must he desirous of earning for themselves a notoriety ns unenviable as that possessed hv the Dunedin City Council. At a late meeting of the first-named Council, two or three councillors wanted the installation of a newly- elected member taken as the first business, but. His “ Wushup” the Mayor ruled such a proceeding to be very

irregular. The result of this riding was a most unbecoming and nncivie-Hko scone, in which the Mayor, Crs Storry and Thompson assumed the leadin',' roles. After a skirmish between the two former gentlemen. the Mayor said ; T hope. Cr Storey, voi have not come hero with the intention of impeding husiness. Your conduct towards myself has been very ungentlemanly. —Cr Starry: What do yon mean, sir, by calling me not a gentleman ? .... I sav that the M'yor is not a gentleman, ho is an ass. (Great uproar.)—The Mayor, to Stony : I said your conduct was unbecoming and ungentlemanly.—Cr Slurry: I te’l von, sir, that you are not a gentleman, and that you are not lit to blacken the hoots of your predecessor, (Great uproar ) —Cr 'Thompson moved that Cr Stony be centoured for his conduct, and that business be not proceeded with until that gentleman apologises for his misconduct. —Cr Stony : You,'ton, Cr Thompson, are not a gentleman.’—Cr Thompson, to Stony; Keep yonr tongue quiet, sir, or I’ll teach you manners.—Cr Storry: That’s more than yon can do, sir. Soma further squabbling occurred, and Cr Monaghan suggested that they should adj -urn. They had enough of old women’s talk for one night. Several councillors then left the ta'de, and the meeting ended in disorder. Two or lime councillnrs.after leaving the table, indulged in a scrimmage on their own hook.—They cany matters t" a great length in the Vince it' Count v Connell, hut none of the conncilh.rs am ns rowdy and ungentlemanly in iln.il- behaviour as Or Stony usually is. If he (Storry) "’ere tarred and feathered by the burgc'ses for bis rowdy behaviour, perhaps tie would conduct himself with propriety at the next meeting of the Council The remedy would he bettor than the disease. _

Scone— A lintel on the goldfields. time 0 ’ ilny—4 n.m. Actors—Lessee of lintel ainl liis Hibernian better half. Biddy {whn wants to uet rid of tire obi ’tin, so that olio C an have a flirt with the noice young nnn belongin' to the company)—“ Now tiiin. ve spalpeen, cit. Ycz been boozin’ all noi 'ht. and its toime for ye/, to go to tied. Oi’ll Ink nftlisrthe house this lonesome noieht, and see that everythink’s might.” 0 il man (who's three sheets in the wind, ami. having a crowd of customers in the house, wants to sit up and prevent Biddy robbing him)—“ No yer don’t (hiel, Biddy. 1 knows yer (hie) little came. You eo to yor virtnosh polish (hie), and I’ll come in a ininnit. (hie).” Biddy (in a rage)—“ Lnk licre ” Oldman—“Whore?” “There, ye dldrty spalpeen," and she hits him in the eye. “Bo yen know ‘where’ now? If yer don’t make yorself scarce, Oi’ll give ye another shmaek.' Yez so ogseited over the few pallliry lodges in the house that ycz don’t know whether yeZ on yer head or yor heels. Be the hokey. ye. Inks for all the worrld loiko a pig wid a glass in >nr eye,an* all lieces vez got a few spalpeen lodgers in the blamed house. Git!” And the old tnan gitted. witti a sorrowful, far-away look in his, uninjured optic, a bottle nf brandy nndm his arm, and the old lady’s foot Under his coat tails Moodv and Sankey, the wholesale spiritdealers and sonl-aerapors are (Hearn from a Californian paper) about to start what they term “ A Salvation Insurance Company,” in which, by a small annual premium, punctually paid on the endowment plan, sinners (ho they ever so black) can be assured of eternal safety, and reserved from the worm that dicth not and the fire that is not quenched. The initiation fee is “ faith"—in those old reprobates, Moody and Sankey, first; in Christ, second ; and 1.000 dollars cash, down on the nail, third. The annual premium will consist of psalms, hymns, prayer and praise, with a substratum of hard cash to make the thing solid. For these trifling considerations, all Vo heavy-laden ahd ye sinners, Moody and Sankey will guarantee salvation (with a cask of rum daily to topers) tri any otie—even a member of the House of lleprescntativos, a bonk 'agent, or » Borough or Uoantjf Cotincillor-

Really, I must take objection to the brutal maimer in which the music of the present day is hashed up and murdered. A short time since I went to hear some music-pounding in Dunedin. The pounder —a young lady with false teeth, painted cheeks, broken nose, and four Brummagem rings—came on the stage with a flounce and a bounce; she made a profound bow to the audience, smiled at no one particularly, gave the music stool a twirl or two, and sat down on it like a drunken Maori flopping down in a plunge bath. Then she straightened her collar and tie, coughed, smoothed her hair, pushed up her cuffs,and wriggled herself about, making mo think that she was sitting on a packet of needles, -o' mu her lingirs up and down the piano to see if it was in order, grinned, and her hands made a Jump for the keys—for all the world like a wife making a grab for her husband’s board and hair. A dash and a crash, and for about ten minutes that old planner was properly tortured and pounded. I thought it was undergoing an operation, so loudly did it growl and screech. Then followed a grand scatter and scramble, a series of jerks, jumps, somersaults, back band-throws, and jack-jumpers. A noise like the clatter of hob-nailed boots on a atone pavement terminated the overture, as it was called. The pianiste rose from the mangle, bowed, simpered, grinned, minced, and retired from the stage “amidst fhe uproarious plaudits of an enthusiastic audience ”(a la critique). A little reform is needed in the deportment of pianistes. and the sooner it is brought about the sooner will some of ’em leave off making fools of themselves. Some citizens of a town in Ireland—Ballinamore, I believe—lately asked some people to subscribe towards the support of the Irish Land League. This came to the ears of the police, and the canvassers were 'non ht before the local Court and fined LIO and costs, or three imprisonment Je-roo sa-lem, that is Irish justice, snrely ! Jeddart. justice also had better be introduced in Ireland at once. A very severe snow-storm and frost lately occurred in En ’land. So severe was it, that tlie street lamps were kept lighted all day,and the shops also had to keep the gas burning. For decency’s sake, the people kept their mufflers and handkerchiefs to their mouths and noses when in the street. So great was the freezing power, of the frost, I hat horses were frozen into “living horses of ice," at least so Lam told, and I never doubt anything that is told me by a friend. “ What, never ?” “ Well, hardly ever.” The elitor of the “ Public Opinion ” has in his paper what ho calls a “ Gaelic Column.” Just fancy a fellow sitting down and trying to spell through a column or so of verses resembling the following. No one but a Gael or a born idiot would try to wade through it : “ A rahio a bhaird is fuaimair oliutli ’S miiith loam fein gum bheil thu slan ’S aoibhncach loam gan (1 'thig thu’m cboir ’Sgun cluinn mi ’ris gu foil do dhain.” 1 rather fancy that that unfortunate individual known as the compositor has a hard job to decipher and set up a column of this stuff. No wonder there are so many luna-tic-printers in the world ! If I was editor of a paper that “ran” a “Gaelic Column,” do you know what I should do? Why, I should have all the pie picked up off the floor of the printing office, make the devil sot it up, put a sub-heading to it-say “ Ogs an’ Pigs”—put it under the heading of “ Our Gaelic Column,” and insert it accordingly. I would bet 100 to 1 on the result. Not-one of the readers would know whether it was “ A Letter from our Dutch Correspondent ” or “ Our Chinese Letter.” I note that the editor of the “ Public Opinion ” wavningly says : —“ Communications in Gaelic if not plainly written cannot be received.” I should think the compositor would require a good salvo in the shape of a quirt of beer for each verse he scragged together, besides having the copy “ well written.”

1 have a complain*: to make on behalf of myself and a few friends. 1 generally trot down to mv rinktnm at about ten a.m., and stay within its shadow np to 4 pm. Dining the whole time I’m there, there comes from a neighboring house on the right side of my office a persistent howl raised by a couple of juveniles who want strangling ; and on the left side, two other specimens of the human tribe do nothing else but screech and squirl the whole day long. Will the beloved parents of the offending children buy a couple of dozen patent gags and insert them in the cavities of the said offenders ? To add to the general row, half-a-dozen of those quadrupeds known as boys come and play marbles under my window ; but I've found an excelPnt remedy for that nuisance. A bucket of slops thrown over the marble-playing youths will effectually cool their ardour for allies. Ye whom the matter affects and concerns, take warning, or else a bucket of slops. N. Pi.—Will those people who have goats keep their animals at home ? A kid encroached on my domain last week, and I hit it a kick on the head. It laid its troubled and weary head and body on the ground for a few minutes, and then retired from the snene of combat “ a wiser beta sadder kid.” Let the parents of noisy and troublesome children make a note of this sad accident! NEMESIS.