The Traveller.

Dunstan Times, Issue 991, 15 April 1881, Page 3

The Traveller.

FROM WELLINGTON TO CLYDE.

At about three o’clock one afternoon some few weeks since, I stepped from Wellington wharf to the deck of the Bingarooma, commanded by Capt. W, C. Chatfield, and bound for Port Lyttelton. The last good-bye had been said, and the final tear (crocodile) had coursed down the rouged cheeks of the poor young lady who was leaving behind a sick, rich old uncle ; the steward’s brother (I) had swallowed his last gin cocktail, shouted by the said steward at the captain’s expense ; the focs’le loafers had returned to the wharf, with their capacious mouths and pockets stuffed full of “salthorse and greens ”; the sailors had said “ liawe rewawto their Sals, Mollys, and Pollys; the conceited, shiny-faced apprentices had made their last appearance on deck in their brass-bound suits previous to donning their blue jumpers, -canvas trousers, and greasy, blue caps ; the order had been given by the second mate to “ Let go those ere hlarsted lines ” ; the skipper was on the bridge; the order, “Half % cam ahead ” had been telegraphed to the engineer ; and we were at last fairly on our way. A large number of passengers were on board. Thei-e were a dozen or so of the light-fingered gentry, two Jewish pedlars, two or three fops and ■dandies, and a large number of ladies and old fellows who did nothing else the whole passage but drink brandy, lean on the rail, and look down at the “ green, crested waves.” One old ample particularly took my notice. I allude to a Yorkshireraan and his beautiful wife, both of whom attracted universal attention by their eccentric behaviour. Mrs Hope (as I’ll call her) was a retired washerman,but was hen in the millinery line. She was broader than she was long, wore yellow goggles, had a prodigious wen under her right ear, a large wart on the ond of her proboscis, which was a creamy red in color, and her eyes resembled in every particular the protuberances of a boiled crayfish. Her hands were exceedingly small in fact they were only about as large as a couple of shoulders of mutton; and her pretty hoofs gracefully reclined in a pair of ferry boats. Her husband afterwards told me that the shoemaker could not fit her, and he generally had to apply to the rail way authorities for a set of railway cars to encase her feet in. The style of dress affected by this charming old vixen was extremely outrageous. She wore a bonnet, and such a duck of a bonnet it was ! It resembled a patriarchal coal-scuttle, and was decorated with every known and unknown plant, vegetable, fruit, flower, and berry of the civilised and uncivilised world. On that bonnet serenely reposed an Earnsclugh vegetable marrow, a Clyde pumpkin, a few spuds from Dunstan Flat, and—well, to tell the truth, I don’t know what it it didn’t contain. In one hand Mrs H. carried a persuader—an iron walk-ing-stick, a murderous looking affair; in the other she carried a case of gin and a sun-protector, which, when opened, cast a regular gloom round and about the ship. The old damo had a happy, kind, feeling, droll way of reaching out her persuader and tapping the old man on the head when she wanted his services “at onst.” The old man had a large lump on his head, caused by the frequent collision of the cudgel with it. Tim old lady was also very delicate. The following is a report of the s'nte she was in from 4 to 9 p.m. ; 4 p.m., Lad the spasms; took a weo drap o’ tho craythur (whiskey). 5 p.m., she had “’art decease ”; made a hole in the contents of a brandy hftttla. At 6 p.m, she felt faint, and

spoil fc the appearance of a bottle of port wine 7 p.m., signaofapoplexy; was cured by a quart of rum “ nate ” 8 p m., saw “ narsty thingks jumpin’ afcoot her”; a glass of hot brandy was her solace in this trouble. At 9 p.m. (the last time I saw her that night) she was swilling beer down to cure a bilious attack. I thought, however, that Mr Hope was the only one who would suffer from 6/W-ous attacks, if she managed to get outside of a case of drink every day. At 10 p.m., happening to go on deck, I saw several passengers dreamily contemplating the mysteries of the briny deep. After being on deck a short while, I had serious occasion to go to the vessel’s side, and had to cling on to the rail like grim death, lest I should topple over into the sea. One fellah told me that shortly after he laid down to have forty winks, he dreamt he saw a large shark following the ship, and was waiting for something to be thrown him for dinner. The cook took him (the dreamer) by the hand and leg, threw him overboard, and the shark was searching for his legs to have a bite, when he awoke. He felt sure (and so did several others, who had dreamed the same dream) that a shark was following the ship, so had come on deck to look for the trailer. Every now and then the passengers would rush to the vessel’s side, to see if the shark was in sight, I don’t how it was, but somehow or other I was also drawn to the vessel’s side, and momentarily expected to see the shark rise on our larboard, [ft is very probable that “ Tastnau ” had been worshipping rather freely at the shrine of the rosy god, the result (to put it in English) being that he was beastly drunk and consequently seasick.— Ed. D. T.]

At breakfast next morning; Mrs H. caused some amusement. She did not know tlie proper use of a table napkin. "With the greatest nonchalance conceivable, and with a shrill, trumpetlike blast, she blew her nose in her napkin, and them, handed the article to her husband (he had a cold in his head), who followed his wife’s example. A shriek of laughter f>l lowed this performance, and, to add to the merriment of the party, the culprits themselves joined in the laugh,without knowing what they were laughing at The bill-of-fare was handed to this lady by the steward. “ Waittah,” said she, “is this the proagram of the the-ay-ter ter-night ? ” “ Yes, raadame,” replied the waiter, who was bent on taking a rise out of Mrs Hope. “ Wal, waittah, please keep me one front, pit seat. Onerly one now, sur, as the hold man can- w'dit outside for me till the play is over, and then take me home.” (Exit of the henpecked old man amidst roars of laughter.) One more tale about Mrs Hope,and I’ll stop harping on this string A gay and festive youth obtained from a sailor a piece of cobbler’s wax, and, learning where Mrs Hope would sit, he placed the wax on the chair. Soon after the corpulent, unsuspecting vie tira entered and squatted on the waxy chair. Dinner conluded, she retired from the table, and with the chair sticking to her dress. Apparently,she was unaware that anything was fixed on to her, as she promenaded the deck for two hours with the affair sticking to her dress. To make a long story short, we arrived safely at Lyttelton after a rough passrge of 12 hours’duration. The old lady and her husband did not debark here, but were going on to Dunedin. When leaving the vessel, however, I wished Capt. Chatfield joy of his eccentric passengers The entrance to Lyttelton harbor is very grand. On one side rocks tower above the spectator to the height of 100 ft. But on coming in full view of the town, one is rather disappointed in the scene that presents itself to him. The town looks commonplace enough, and there is nothing in it calling for particular mention. The population of Lyttelton is about 1,500, mainly composed of Civil servants and supernumeraries of the Government. Oh dear, when shall I come across a town in which there are no Civil servants 1 I find them in the steamers and mines—in fact, on land and water, under the water, and in the air. The very air smells of Civil servants. 1 daresay they are as numerous in Hades as in this world. But they won’t be found in heaven, and I am glad, too, because when I leave this world for a better there there will he no perfumed, curled, stupid, foppish Civil servants to associate with and booze up

The Civil service is too overpowering and “ strong ” for me, and with the comforting reflection that there’ll be none of the gang in my final homo (heaven), I’ll close my effusion for this issue. In mv next I intend'to take a look at Christchurch and its suburbs. TASMAN.