HUMANITY: ITS PRESENT STATE IN NASEBY FROM AN IDEAL POINT OF VIEW,

Dunstan Times, Issue 848, 19 July 1878, Page 3

HUMANITY: ITS PRESENT STATE IN NASEBY FROM AN IDEAL POINT OF VIEW,

" o—- . By Piiilochristos. While Europe rests with bated breath awaiting tbo upshot of its Conference assembled at Berlin; while Germany is undecided as to what she shall do with her Socialists ; and England is endeavouring to solve the problem of Labour aud Capital; the inhabitants of Naseby taking, it must be granted, a rapid descent from the sublime to the ridiculous, are fretting their magnanimous souls on account of their inability to discover who is “ Curler,” —that correspondent who sent sueh an unfair aud overdrawn description of the opening of the Mount Ida Curling Club to the ‘OtagoDaily Times.’ But “Curler” must first be caught before any decision can be arrived at concerning the punishment which would be most suitable in his case. Doubtless, some minds can suggest nothing better than to have him ducked in a horse pond, or to receive him in public with a shower of rotten eggs. Should they resolve upon the latter proceeding, luckily, Naseby has a superabundant supply of these missiles, which, from insufficient heat have become (iddled in the hatching. It is to be feared that the capital of Maniototo contains a number of brains whose development has been sadly protracted ; still remaining in that intantile state when in babyhood, on receiving a fall or a blow their poor spite was vented on the nearest person, or even Mother Earth.

Realised ideals are most suitable to philosophic minds, and, doubtless “ Curler ’’ was dealing in such imponderable matter when that graphic and interesting description issued from his pen. His ideals are not of a mendacious character, but rather lack incompleteness ; resembling, somewhat, those autumnal leaves strewn in that mythical Vale of Valemhrosa.

No mention is given of the difficulty which was experienced in getting the curling stones safely deposited in that vehicle which ofttimes has assisted many a former inhabitant of Mount Ida to join the majority. Nor is the position of Major Sandy MThee accurately described—he, it should bo home in mind, is related to the clan M ‘Phoo ; hut in nowise connected with the clan M‘Cosh “Curler” inaccurately states that Major M'Phea walked behind the vehicle, and assisted to accelerate its motion. Such was not the case. Like a skillful commander ho detailed off a number of his ardent band, with uplifted brooms, to march on the left side of Bucephalus, who, being an animal blind of one eye, had a very left-sided movement, which required a constant Quakerlike reminder of “ Friend, keep thine own side.”

A sarcastic bystander, on counting the brooms, remarked that they greatly resembled the Ten Commandments by their endeavours to keep humanity in the straight path. Still, poor humanity, like Mind Bucepholus, is constantly knocking its head against them, and, somehow or other, manages to effect a breach. At last a start was made. Ribbons fluttered, brooms flourished, the band struck up a sprightly tune, and Sandy, seated upon the box with a Jehu-like air, was in the height of his ambition, when an unlucky accident hefel the renowned Naseby Brass Band. It appears that one of the bandsmen has a passionate liking for solemn and sacred music, and on this occasion could not he restrained from playing the “ Dead March in Saul," most appropriate, no doubt, when following one’s deceased friend’s remains to their final resting-place, but totally unfitted for such an august and joyful occasion as that of the opening of the Mount Ida Curling Rink. However, certain allowances must be made for his peculiar frame of mind .and the occular proofs that were before him in the shape of the Naseby mourning coach. His persistance in playing this tune at last aroused the ire—by no means a passionate person—of the distinguished Captain Wchherius. Captain Webberius, who at ouce calling a halt, commanded on pain of immediate expulsion, each member of the band to at once strike up the enlivening tune of the “ Boyne Water." But this proceeding, far from, calming the troubled waters, had the effect of making confusion worse confounded, for Lanky Jim, a miner of known Republican and Communistic tendencies, at once threw down his broom, swearing that “ By Jabors he would n«t stir one fut farther until they stopped playing that b tunc”, and substituted in place of it “ Patrick’s Day in the Morn". Allairs had now reached a critical position, the band had become separated from tho main portion of the cavalcade, and were banging away to their heart’s content at this obnoxious tune just in front of the English Church, where, whether by accident or design, a counter attraction was taking place in tho form of early matins—the choir being engaged in singing “ Peace on Earth, and goodwill toward Men."

By this time, however, the majority of the curlers hail at length reached the “Ballarat Hotel," when in duty bound Sandy called a halt, and desired all hands to come in and refresh themselves with some of Scotia’s traditional beverage. As few were capable of refusing such a modest request, the illustrious band in a short space of time became exceedingly merry, and there and then proposed that the Naseby Curling Rink should be opened with still greater eclat. The famous Major, Sawbones, and Colonel Chsinlightning were despatched forthwith as a deputation to wait upon Mesdafnes Farmer and Jenkins for the purpose of asking if they would kindly consent to have their names handed down to posterity and emblazoned on the roll of fame, as if they were not famous enough already. The Brass Band by this time had become a total wreck. Lanky Jim, assisted by some of his Republican enranatriote bad smashed in the big drum, broken up the fifes and eymhala, and knocked out two of Captain Wchberius’ front teeth, but the well-known lictnrcr and dentist happening to bo at hand 30 on put him to rights in that respect,

and his wisdom ones- being not yet cut the disfigurement is not so severe as was at first supposed would have been the case. Like sinsiblo fellows the band now returned home, and took no further part in that day’s proceedings ; nor have they since put in an appearance on the ice, while the name of “ Curler” uttered in their presence brings on as severe'an attack of nausea as the mention of Dnthyboy’s Hall did unto Nicholas Nicholby. The remnant of thafgallant band found themselves at last upon the rinking ground, but minus the leadership of the redoubtable Major M‘Phee; they were in despair, for the Major had last been seen under the table endeavoring to enlighten some new member as to the mysteries of the roaring game. But joy once more broke forth among them as the bulky figure of the twice-famed Lord Busfus appeared upon the scene. He is hailed with general acclamation, and with one froice is requested to lead the ladies upon the ice and arrange the stones and them in their respective positions, for the commencement of the game. This ha accomplished to the entire satisfaction of the Club, in his usual gracious and attentive manner, for which his vast West Coast experience has so especially befitted him.

Mrs Farmer had the priority assigned her to open the rink, as much from her long exI erienee of Naseby, as from her being in all probability its future Lady Mayoress. Tho stone which Lord Busfus so gallantly presented her, had on its handle a very artistic design, representing a party of Maories amongst a bunch of ferns, somewhat resembling that engraving which is seen upon a Bank of New Zealand cheque. She sens the stone along the iee in a most professional way, while Mrs Jenkins was equally successful in her attempts. The rink was now declared open, and a roaring game was played until the shades of evening put an end to the sport, when all adjourned to the Cleopatra Hotel, where the orthodox dinner of beef aud greens awaited the hungry curlers, and to which ample justice was done, more especially the latter portion. Here for the present the writer has no more to say. The reader should not, however, draw rash conclusions, nor turn away in disgust, despairing of the future progress of Humanity. Lot us rather have another search in Pandora’s box, and probably though covered with a mass of rubbish we shall find eternal hope at the bottom.