VARIETIES.

Dunstan Times, Issue 758, 27 October 1876, Page 4

VARIETIES.

Any young lady who wishes to raise a moustache can always do so when she kisses a young man who has got one. “Jack, v hat in the world put matrimony into your head ?” “ Well, the fact is, I was getting short’of shirts. Artemus Ward said that the man who wrote “I’m saddest when 1 sing,’’ was a fool to sing much. A Cornish jury once brought in the verdict “ Guilty, with some little doubt as to whether he was the man.'’ Spanish Flattery.—A Spaniard, speaking of a lady’s black eyes, said they were in mourning for the murders they had committed. A physician recommends straight-jackets for humps ; mussels for weak limbs, and fresh soles for sore feet; dirty people he advised to go to Bath ; people who objected to vaccination ho sends to Cowes. A doctor received a severe injury from a blow'. “ Whero were you hurt ? Was it near the vertebra ?’ asked a friend. “No,” said the doctor, “it was near the racecourse.” A good Telescope.—“ This telescope,” said an itmerai t vendor, “is so good though a church be three miles olf, it will bring it so near that you can'hear the organ play.” “ 1 have nothing hut my heart to give you,” said a spinster to a lawyer who had conducted a suit for her. “Well, ” said the lawyer, gruffly, “ go to my clerk—he takes the fees." By a new process, described by a Cincinnati paper, it takes two and a-half minutes to kill and prepare a pig for bacon. One man can kill 1,000 hogs a day.

Tho following purports to be a model medical puff: —“ Dear Doctor, —1 shall bo one hundred and seventyfive years oIU tiext October, For over eighty-folir "years 1 have been an invalid, unable to stop 1 except ' when moved with a lever. But a year ago I heard of the GarniCular Syrup. I bought a bottle, smelt the cord, and found'myself a man. I can now run twelve miles and a half an hour, and throw thirteen •Somersaults without stopping.’’ A waggish 1 journalist,‘who’ is often merry over his personal plainness, tells (his story of himself;—“ I went to a chemist ■ the other day for a 'dose of morphine for a sick friend. The assistant objected to give it to tne without a prescription, evidently fearing that I intended suicide. ‘ Pshaw !' said I, I do I look like a ' man who would kill himself V Gazing steadily at me a moment, he replied, ‘ I don’t know. It seems to me, if I looked like you, 1 should be greatly tempted to kill myself.’” Josh Billings on Horses.—Pedigree iz not important for a List trotting boss ; if he kan trot fast, never mind the pedigree. There iz a grate menny fast men even who ain’t got no pedigree. Thare ain't much art in di ivin’ a trotting boss ; just hold them bale hard, and holler them ahead hard, that’s aw). A boss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshili if the blichen breakes. Kuller is no kriterion. I have seen awful mean horses of all kullurs, except green ; I never cee a mean one of this kullur. Hosses liv tew an honorabil old age, and I often seen them that appeared fully prepared for deth. Heathens are aw lus kind tew hosses; it iz among Christian people that a horse haz to trot three mile heats in a hot day, for 25,900 dollars counterfeit munny.