MISCELLANEOUS.

Dunstan Times, Issue 696, 20 August 1875, Page 4

MISCELLANEOUS.

The first bus in America was Columbus. lie was a blight boy who said there were two sects the female sex and the insects. There was a celebrated pigeon shooter. Ho was an excellent shot; but owing to a defective vision, lie shot indifferently when he had no glass in his eye. Tlhero was a great match, and ho was there, glass in eye. It may he that he took sweet counsel with his friends ; it may bo that like the Irishman, lie was too clever, to let any one into his secrets, and conspired by himself. Bnt ho stepped forward to take his place, and, just as he raised his gun, tiro glass fell from his eye, struck the lock, and was smashed. He used the worst of language ; hut he said that he would shoot. Betting instantly and largely altered. Which odds being taken, ho took out another glass, and slew all his pigeons. The majesty of the Law was fearfully sustained by Lord Eslegrove, who, it is related, once sentenced a tailor, for shooting a soldier, in these words “ And not only did you murder him, whereby ho was bereaved of his life, hut you-dicl thrust,,push, pierce, or propel the lethal weapon through his regimental breeches, which were his majesty's.” Ambiguous Lord Cardigan, shortly before his death, reviewed a famous hussar regiment and on iqaking the usual speech, he'said, with more emotihn than he usually showed “,I am getting old, gmtlemen, and in all probability I shall never again review this magnificent regiment this side the grave.” A short, stubby fellow, with his hat on one side of his head an I his pants rolled up walked into an oyster house, and holding the stump of an unlit cigar between his clenched teeth, looked around and inquired “ Got any oysters ?” “Yes, sir,”, said the oysterman, as he cast his eyes upon a halfdozen baskets full lying around loose. “ Well how much be they a dozen?” “Eighteen cents.” “ Eighteen cents ?” “ Yes, sir, eighteen cents.” “ Shucked !” “ Opened, of course, if you want them opened. ” 1 ‘ Well gi’m me one not shucked.” “One? What do you want of one oyster?” “ Well,” said the customer, confidently, loaning over the oyster stand and taking his cigar between his teeth, “You see I’m goin’ to a social part}' out here near Albia too night, and some of the boys might get a foolin.’ I’ve been round good deal, and I tell yor there’s nothin’ so coolin’ and healin’ for a blaek eye as a good big oyster. I guess you’d better gl’m me two. How much is it ?”—American paper. Says a wife to her husband, as the curtain descends on the prostrate form of “ Juliet” “ Ah, when we were married you vowed that were I taken from you, you would kill yourself ou my tomb, as Juliet did on Borneo’s. You would’nt do so now.” “Only kill yourself, my dear, only kill yourself,” replied the husband, “and see whether I would’nt keep my vow.” Any excuse—“ Now, Charley, how can you treat me so? Only two months married and yet you stay out till two in the morning. “My fault ! How ?” “ Why you see, I met a friend at the Club, and explained to him what a dear, accomplished woman yon were. The time slipped away,” &e. Of course he was forgiven. Next night : “ Why, Charley, it is three o’clock. You did not meet any one to praise mo to did yon.”—“ No ; hut this time I waited hoping some one would come, so that 1 could tell him ; and that’s kept me so late.” He was not forgiven. Writing to decline an invitation to the centenary celebration at Lexington, Mr Bright said 1 cannot cross the ocean to join your great company, and I know not how to avrito you a letter fitting the occasion. 1 would rather not think of an occasion when Englishmen shed blood, and English blood, oh your continent, and 1 would prefer to celebrate the freedom and grandeur of your country on some other day. But I can rejoice with you in that freedom and grandeur, and wish you that they may be perpetual.