MISCELLANEOUS.

Dunstan Times, Issue 694, 6 August 1875, Page 4

MISCELLANEOUS.

—o — To ascertain the weight of a horse. Put your foot under his. Singular.—lt generally requires a round sum to make things square. To be generous, yoq need not give alone you may lend a loan, if you like. The boy who undertook to ride a horseradish is now practising on a saddle of mutton. During peace, a regiment is quartered ; during war-time, it is generally cut to pieces. Some characters are like boots, the more they are blackened the brighter they be come. Experimental philosophy : Trying to borrow an umbrella.—Moral philosophy : Refusing to lend it. There are in London two twin brothers so much alike that they frequently borrow money of each other without knowing it. Con. by Miss Cary.—Why was Robinson Ciusoe’s man Friday like a Cochin-china rooster?— Because he scratched for himself, and crew so. A safe conclusion.--When you see a matrimonial advertiser seeking a lady with tolerable means, you may set him down as one of the intolerably means. An infallible telegraphic critic wires that Tennyson’s dramatic poem, “The Queen,” may be pronounced equal to anything in Shakespeare. An Italian waited upon a Commissary of Police of Paris to ascertain the formalities necessary to have his wife'gaillotiued ; the officer replied it was a question for the executioner, and invited him to visit that functionary, in other words, the asylum. Good news ; it has been found from statistics that more bachelors commit suicide, and die earlier, than married men or widowers ; however, Dr Tissot has found that their death rate is less where bachelors are attached to horses, dogs, parrots, gardening or religion. Lady of the house to two gentlemen, “ kindly allow me to place this macassar on the sofa.” “It is,” replied one gentleman “ quite unnecessary, as I never use pomatum j” “ and I, madame,” added the second, “ have no hair." The very latest true Story.—An instance of rare honesty, and showing how a dog (American of course) may desire to pay his board bill, recently occured in Fitchburg Massachusetts. A lady saw a dog frequently about her house picking up odd b : ts which had been thrown out, and one day she called him in and fed him. The next day he came back, and as she opened the door, he walked in and placed an egg on the floor, and was again fed. The following day he brought another egg for his dinner ; and on the fourth day he brought the old hen herse’f who it seems hal failed to furnish the required egg! A new mode of Jeremy Diddling has been discovered by which (writes the Melbourne correspondent of the Bendigo Independent) the electric telegraph may be made to raise the wind for any ingenious person in difficulties, who has to deal with simple and sympathising friends. A young man living, let us say, at St Kilda, requiring the means to leave the Colony, went to the telegraph office and addressed to himself, at his own residence:—“ Make all haste here ; your mother is dead, and arrangements must be made about the property immediately.— Signed John Brown, Sydney.” In due course the telegram was delivered, and the ingenious youth, in tears, exhibited it to his landlady—" Look here, Mrs Smith ; what on earth am Itodo ? I havent sixpence in the world.” The tender-hearted lodginghouse keeper hesitated a few minutes, and then assured her lodger that she would lend it on his promise to send it from Sydney as soon as he reached there. Of course he promised, took the money and himself off and, although he has been gone three months, up to this time Mrs Smith is minus her lodger and her money. I believe that enquiries have proved the whole thing to have been an ingenious fraud.