HISTORY BURLESQUED.

Dunstan Times, Issue 564, 7 February 1873, Page 3

HISTORY BURLESQUED.

« _u o ._ » Tho A r eic Fori Leader is responsible for tho following littl-3 slcihon of a gral woman jWho Las “passed in Lor claps.” Queen Elizabeth is dead. It doesn't make auymattcrhow wo get the iuformißl'on. This is none of oar fight, this quarrel between the Associated Press and its rival. We've resolved the news and that’s enough. She died 233 years ago the of last month.*' She survived until the vital spark had lied, and then she saw it was of no use resisting the inscrutable decree of fate, and so her unfettered soul took its flight into the mysterious void, and settled down to that bourne fi-puTwhich no traveller returns, un loss she has a mission to jerk chains around and rap on tables for the benefit of mediums mud other long-haired wild-eyed inmates. Queen Elizabeth was a virgin—a vergin on seventy; and yet the lire gleams I. as brightly as over in her cream coloured eyes, and the delicate sheen of her finely-tinted maroon nose contrasted as forcibly as in her youth with the alabaster of Lor brow; and the plugs in her teeth v,-ro jest as valuable as when gold was at 150. She had no small vices. She did not smoke or chew, or belong to the society fertile promotion of cruelty to animals. And when she swore, she never descended to the vulgarity of lloraca Greeley-Queen Elizabeth didn’t. When she used profanity, she gave it as a finish, an elegance, a delicate airy grac, and infos -d into it a Insurious abandon, and rounded it off carelessly at the corner, and dressed it up with vnl ch c'.ed poi ti ;al adj. etives, so that it sounded like 'some sweet singer, like some sweet singer straining himself, in fact. And she had rcd;hair. Her chignon was burglar proof •And often in the dim twilight of evening, when the sun had sunk to rest, when the western sky was filled with tender radiance and lambent light, and the bulbul wooed the rose in the hack yard, she would play a few notes upon her harpsichord, or write a Latin hymn, or an csray upon the Harrison holler. She was supposed to be the authoress of “Beautiful Snow,’’ and “Five o'clock in the Morning.” But nevertheless she was a very estimable weman, and with

all her faults wa love her still—better indeed, than ii she was still foaling around. Queen Elizabeth was not proud. She always insisted upon cleaning her teeth, even if she was a Queen ; ami she always did it once a week, every Sunday morning, with her own tooth-brush. What a le-son docs it teach to those who arc haughty and vain, and belong to the bon ton. She never for'got that she was mere perishable dust, and the sheep and the silk-worm wore her fine clothes long before she got thorn. She read every Sunday-school hook that taught these facts ! and she cnee trod on Sir Walter Raleigh's cloak to remind him of them, because ha .was so sot up with his new fancy cassimeres. Queen Elizabeth was not sorry to die. She foresaw that George F. Train was coming to England, and she said to Laphysician that idle would prefer the enduring peace of the cold and silent grave to three weeks of George ami the Alabama claims controversy an 1 Schleswig-Holstein

question all at the same time. Her last words were : “Kill Horace Greeley before ho has a chance to write * Vv'hat I know about Farming.’” There was not a dry eye in the second story front room. Everybody was thinking how impossiblc it was ti fulfill her dying request and to escape so much misery. But she has now gone ; she has loft us, wo shall see her no snore. Perhaps it is for the host. Sho was a vigorous woman ; and if she had lived she might have, come to America, and wo might have given her offence, and she might have prance I around here anil flogged us like the very nation For she was a woman who followed clrcely in all the prevailing fashions. And s i wo aro glad she is dead, and lias four tons of marble planted mi bar to hold her down. Rest iu peace, old girl ! Rest in pieces ! A good story is told of Thomas Carlyle It is said that a lady near him kept Cochin China fowls, and the crowing was such a .nuisance that the philosopher sent into complain of it. The lady appealed to was indignant, “Why,” she said, “the fowls only crow four times a day and how can Mr. Carlyle bo seriously annoyed at that?’’ “Tlic lady forgets,” was the characteristic rejoinder, “the pain I suffer in waiting for those four crows.” A boy employed iu a mine near Carbondale, Pennsylvania,* was crushed under a mass of coal. It took two hours to extricate him. and lie died during the day. He had been dumb from bis birth. Nevertheless, the exquisite agony ho endured gave him the power of speech. During the whole time ho talked fluently and distinctly, urging the men tn give him speedy relief, and praying God to spare his life. Only half-a-dozen such instances are known in the annals of medicine. The effect of cx-

tromo excitement in instantly destroying physical obstacles to speaking, hearing, walking, &c., is an illustration of the truth of that theory of the complete correlation of mental and physical forces which is slowly winning its way to credence.— Chicago Tiroes. Scotch clergymen arc given to ccccntrici ties in tho pulpit, and a recent contribution o that i attire is not the least amns'ug. The reverend gentleman, who was noted for his simplicity of stylo, was discoursing on the text “Unless yc repent, yo shall all perish. Anxious to impress upon his hearers tho importance of tho solemn truth conveyed in the passage, ho made use of a very strik ing figure. “Yes my friends,’’ he emphatically urged, “unless ye repent yo shall as sure perish,” placing one of his lingures on the wing of a large fly which alighted on his Bible, and having his right hau 1 uplifted, “just assure, my friends, as I'll kill this blue fly.” Before the blow was struck tho fly got. off, upon which tho minister at the top of his voice exclaimed, “There’s a chance for yoyot, my friends!”