FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4168, 29 November 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

A dead set—Spectres. Handy men. —Glovers. A book-rest.—Vacation. Nut-crackers. —Shillelaghs. Horsemen.—Veterinary surgeons. A polite calling.—A civil engineer's. Change for a sovereigu.—A rcjjublic. The best domestic port.—support. Scotch affairs.—Porridge and whiskey. Matrimonial bureau.—A match-factory. Favorite game with tho ocean—Pitcli aud toss. Men who always go to tho wall.—Paperhangers. Food that cannot be eaten.—The " chops " of the Channel. The only bar that tramps are unfamiliar with.—Crowbar. Practical jokes.—Tlio.se that ure published and paid for. When a chimney roars it may bo said to speak fluently. Old junk dealers would do a thriving business in China now. No wonder the coachmen are so popular. All girls like hansom men. Fruit is never so green as it looks. It knows where its grip hurts the most. Song for the accommodating barmaid: " In the gloaming owe, my darling." i

The Sultan of Morocco, 37 years' of age> has a harem of 1200 women. Never hurt a milkman's, feelings by talking to him about the cream of a joke. Why is a man roused out of his sleep like a silk hat in a storm ?—-Because his nap is disturbed. We shall have no more hateful things to say about tho bustle. We scorn to speak of things behind a person's back. "Your heartlessness is turning my hair grey ?" exclaimed his wife. "Why don't you dye, then?" was the cruel rejoinder. Ladies' hats this year will be felt. Some times they'can almost bo heard, they are so loud. The maxim, "Creep before you run," must have originated with a darky in a farmer's melon patch. A miss is as good as a mile and good for all the room she wants in a crowded car if sho is finely dressed. ._ "I understand you want a coachman. <' Yes, sir. How much experience have you had?"- "Three." "Three what? "Elopements." "Ah, isn't she a cluck?" cried an admirer, as the doctor's daughter passed. " No doubt," replied a mean wretch ; "her father is a quack." A scientist has discovered that cats are fond of cucumbers. No wonder the cats increase so fast. The cucumbers double them up, of course. This is the season of the year when the seaside belle packs away her fashionable bathing suit, comes home, and prepares to be shocked by the grand opera ballet. "What is the name of your cat?" one lad asked of another. '' We used to call him William until he had fits, but now we call him Fitzwilliam." "How do you preserve your peaches so nicely ?" asked a lady visitor. "By putting them on the top shelf where Tommy can't reach them," said Mrs Bushman. "Don't buy a coach in order to please your wife ; it is much cheaper to make her a little sulky." That may be so, but it is still more economical to marry a woman who possesses a graceful carriage. "What's this thing?" asked a man who was inspecting a music store. " That; oh, that's used on violins. We call it a chin rest." " Gimme one," exclaimed the visitor, " S'pose it would work on my wife ?" - Father, did the boy really stand on the deck?" asked Green's hopeful progeny, the other day. " No, Georgie, he stood on three kings, and he pnt the deck up his sleeve, to use as occasion demanded." A paragraph in an article on " The care of Clothes " says : "An umbrella should i always be carried away from you." It gen- | 1 orally is, innocent author ;it generally is carried about two miles away. Hubner, the compositer of the Viennese anarchist paper, always had a loaded revolver with him whilst setting the typo. ' We suppose the editor always wrote in com--1 pany with two Gatling guns. 1 Probably the destruction of American forests would bo more severely felt and deplored in Nevada than any other section of tho Union. Nevada vigilantes have hanged thirty - throe horse - thieves this season. Women havo a great respect for old age. Watch a young lady seated in a street car between a young gentleman and an elderly one, and see how determined she is not to incommode the latter by crowding against him. They say grace before meals at the houso of Mr Peterson. One day a little girl living in the neighborhood was invitee! to dinner, anel tho grace feature of the meal excited her curiosity. "What does ' Amen ' mean ?" asked tho little stranger. "You don't 1 know that?" replied one of the Peterson 1 children. " Why, that means we can pitch into tho grub." " Has Charles Augustus proposed yet ?" Euelora—" Well not exactly." " You cxl pect him to, then ?" "O, yes, indeed! He ! is a little cautious, but I think he feels porL fectly safe now, and I'm sure he will pop - very soon." "On what dn you base your expectations ?" " Well, last evening he asked ' me if you came of a long-lived race, and I 1 told him no." ; A young man had his girl out carriageriding the other evening and tho horses took fright and ran away. In turning a corner ; tho vehicle was overturned and the young ! lady was pinneel to the earth, the body of 1 tho carriage lying heavily across her waist. She was rendered unconscious. When she was released from her perilous position she 1 slowly opened hor eyes as consciousness returned, and faintly gasped: "Don't— squeeze — me—quite — so — hard — next — time—John." A newly-married lady was telling another 1 how nicely her husband could write. " Oh, you should just see some of his love letters." " Yes, I know," was the freezing reply, I've got ever so many of 'em in my desk." " Ate a quart of raw oysters at one time ? ' Oh, pshaw, you could'nt do it, Patrick." "Well, it's meself that did it no later than the day afore yistcrday." " Patrick, Patrick, you're a great liar !" " Misther Robert, I've not exaggerated at all. I ate a whole quart, sur ; but at the same time 1 I'll acknowledge that tho oysters were schmall wans."