FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4149, 8 November 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

The indulgent fathe v. spares the rod and lets his son go fishing. "In union there is strength," as the man said when he mixed lard with the butter.

Why cannot a musical composer do much with one pieoe of music ? Because he must write by the score. There is an actress in Germany named Amanda Bettina Krenzwanger Rosalie Bakerman Zwinkehut. :

Why cannot two slender persons ever become great friends P—Because they will always be slight acquaintances.

Abiuglar got into the house of a lawyer the other day. After a terrible struggle the lawyer succeeded in robbing him.

"It's swarm weather," remarked the man who was endeavoring to get away from the inhabitants of a beehive.

An experienced old gentleman says that all that is necessary in the enjoyment of love, as of sausages, is confidence. If a man from Lapland is a Laplander, then a man from Michigan should be a Michigander and a woman a Michigoose. "Do you believe in spirits, Mrs M'Ginnigle ?" "I do, ma'am. Whin the weather is cowld a little drop does me a power o' good." "Lame!" sighed the old lady, "times do change. They now wear kids on their hands. When I was a child they wore out their hands on the kids."

A New York woman has sued, at different times, three young men for breach of promise of marriage. She is determined to let no jilty man escape. In describing a new organ a rural musical critic says, "The swell died away in a delicious suffocation, like one singing a sweet song under the bedclothes." The gentleman so often spoken of in novels who rivettcd people by his gaze has obtained employment in a boiler manufactory. A New York girl sang " Darling, I am growing old," with an expression so pertinent and truthful, that her procrastinating lover left her for good. A little boy saw his mother take off her switch one day, and called out, "0, mamma! Let us take your scalp out in the yard, so that wo can play Indians." It is claimed that burglars will never knowingly break into a house where there is a red-haired woman. They think tho risk is too great.

, Pat Magihnis has a very stubborn mule, which ho calls " Old Musket." On being asked why he gave the mule that name, lie said " Because the stubborn beast won't go on without a kick."

"Have you-given the gold-fish fresh water as I told you, Marion ? " Marion— "No, ma'am, and why should I. ? Sure they haven't drunk what they have yet! " " I don't object to house-cleaning," said a married man, " but I must draw a line at sitting on a wash-tub in the kitchen and eating my meals from the top of a soapbox."

Robert Hall, when once asked how many sermons a preacher could jjreparo in a week, replied: "If he is a man of pre-eminent ability, one; if he is a man of ordinary ability, two ; if he is an ass, six."

"In what condition was the patriarch Job at the end of his life ? " asked a Sunday school teacher of a quiet-looking boy at the foot of tho class. " Dead," calmly replied the boy. ' • _ - - " Tis love that makes the world go round, exclaimed the married man, whose wife had chased him around the room till tho walls seemed to spin like the many skirts of a ballet-girl in a fourth-class opera.

A dairyman was awakened by a wag in the night with the announcement that-his best cow was choking. He forthwithjumped out to save tho life of crummies, but io, he found a turnip stuck in the mouth of tho pump.

An Ohio farmer says that a cow can be cured of kicking by catching hold of her leg while in tho act. Just so : and a bee can be cured of stinging by catching hold of the stinger while iv the act. Try 'em both some time. It's fun.

Parent (angrily)—" You have been in the water. You were fishing?" Son— "Yes, ma'am ; I was in the water, but I got a boy out who might have been drowned:' Parent—"lndeed, who was he?" Son— "Myself." '

"You did not pay very close attention to the sermon, I fear, this morning." " Oh, yes, I did, mamma." "Well, what did the minister say? -'He said that the picnic would start at ten o'clock on Thursday morning—and oh ! ma, can I go ?"

" Sit down, old fellow," he said, "I'll be with you in a moment. I'm just finishing a letter to my wife." How 6ften do you write to your wife while she is in the country?" "Every day." "Isn't that rather often." " Not too often. You sec, if she doesn't hear from me regularly, she might think something was wrong, and come home to find out what it was."

Carl Pretzel says that "no wonutn on earth resembles an angel on a Monday morning when her thoughts aro sweetly resting-on a bag of unwashed clothing." Carl has evidently been there, but he should remember that no man on earth would act like an angel if a woman had not to tacklo the washing which gives him boiled rags and pleasant changes.