FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4072, 9 August 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Like a tree, the older the dog the more husky the bark. The captain of a ship selects his own dec-oration day. A burning question—" How would you like to be cremated? " Too ' fly to be caught—The ball that is knocked over the garden wall. Batter is the name of a tenor singer in a New York church choir, and they do say that his voice takes the cake. Chinese barbers shave without lather. This reminds us that our old schoolmaster used to lather without shaving. Francis Murphy, the great temperance man is in Chicago. The hall where he delivers his speeches gets full every time he talks. A contemporary speaks of a man who is so green that his brother is obliged to walk Mith him to prevent the cattle from eating him. A good waiter is always silent at table. Especially should ho be so at dessert-time, making his motto, " We never speak as we pass pie." Chicago carries the palm fer the biggest feet ; Boston holds the medal for the biggest dudes ; but San Francisco requires the cake for the worst smells. John B. Gough's most amusing lecture is entitled "Peculiar People." Mr Gough himself is a peculiar man—he has not taken a drink for forty years. A little boy had been sent to dry a towel before the nursery fireplace. " Mamma, is it done when it is brown?" he asked, as the towel began to smoke. "Yes, indeed, she's a daisy," remarked a young broker, discussing the charms of a certain young lady. "She dazes you, apparently," replied his friend. Several notably happy marriages have been made on two hours' courtships, but it is a pretty safe rule to know the girl for at least throe days and a picnic. A Salt Lake wife nearly went crnzy, the other day, when her husband brought home wife No. 2. So it seems they have some genuine women in Utah after all. A Cincinnati man claims to have a wife so hot tempered that he can light his cigar from the flash of her eyes. Ho made a good match when he married her. Young Grammarian : '' No ; you cannot say ' shad has risen.' Although it sounds ungrammatical, you will be quite correct in saying , that the ' shad has roes. ' " "Man wants but little ear below, nor wants that little long," mnrmurcd the dude as he carefully cut out places for his aural appendages in his new three-inch collar. Mr Blank: " Zephyr cloth ! What is it called that for ?" Mrs Blank: "I don't know, unless it is because it is pretty sure to raise a breeze when the bill comes in." It now turns out that Noah was a Western man, for it is said that he went into the Ark-an-saw that it was well loaded before starting out on that forty days' cruise. Robert Griffin, of London, says the world will not bo large enough to hold the population in a thousand years from now. If this is the case, some law ought to bo passed prohibiting triplets. About as mad a man as ever came out of an opera-house was a younj;- man who had just started his first moustache. Ho got wrath because someone in the audience shouted out " Down in front." A man named Yeast was married in Oregon last week. There's one consolation for the young wife. She'll have no trouble in making her husband rise early in the morning—its bred in him. "Can you paint me a sign at once?" " Yes : what kind of a sign do you want ?" " A sign of rain." A cloud lowered on the painter's brow, and, fearing an immediate storm, the funny mm departed. Explaining His Vote.—"How do you vote?" asked a reporter of a Southern delegation after the convention. " I voted according to my convictions." "What were your convictions ? " " That I'd never get another chance to make 100 dollars so easily. A Sweet Thing in Collars.—Lady: "I should like to choose a few of those lovely collars. I suppose they are the newest stylo out ?" Counter-man : " Excuse " mo, madam, those arc not collars exactly, but lamp shades !" An Indiana girl was swinging in a hammock when a man passed her on horseback with a gun across the pommel of his saddle. The horse stumbled and jarred the gun. It went off and hit the girl in the hammock. Her mother was not hurt. She was in the kitchen washing dishes. The Chicago News learns that Mary Anderson, the American actress, has rejected the matrimonial offer of Westminister Abbey, a brother of Henry E. Abbey, thu theatrical manager. This will explain a later report that Westminster Abbey is falling into ruins. A missionary at an English dinner party (so the story goes), to whom the host apologised for the decollete toilets of the ladies present, answered politely : "O, pray don't mention it. I have lived for ten years among the savages of Africa, and am quite accustomed to such sights." " I don*" see why you are so particular about your hair," said a churlish husband ; "1 don't snpposo Eve ever wore bangs." " I don't suppose she did," replied the wife with a quiet smile ; "but then there was nobody in the world but her husband to admire her." The husband became very thoughtful. No Blame in His.—" I hear that Blame will get some of the Irish vote. How is that, Paddy?" "He'll not get moine. I'd niver vote for a man that wint back on a Mulligan ?" "Are you a Republican or a Democrat?" "I'm an Oirishman, an' the Mulligans is me maternal cuzzens on me faythcr's side." " What kind of a dog is that you have ? " asked the editor, addressing the foreman of the composing room. "Well, I call him a compositor dog," said the foreman, as he helped himself to a cigar from the editor's box. " I never heard of a compositor dog before," said the editor. "I call him a compositor dog because he is a setter." Teacher: " Can't you answer that question?" Little Nell: "How can I? I never saw a well built." Teacher: "Well, I will put it in another shape. If it takes one servant nine hours to do the entire house-work of a family, how long will it talce three servants to do it ?" Little Nell: "Oh ! I can answer that. I heard mamma speak of it this morning." Teacher: "Well, how long will it take them ?" Little Nell: " Three times as long." " My dear," said a young man to his girl, " I see by the papers that a girl in Baltimore has reduced the size of her mouth considerably by whistling." "That is singular, isn't it George?" replied the girl. " Yes, and it is said that after a few months' practice a foiir-in mouth can be reduced to two inches and a-half." " Oh, my, how queer!" "Yes, dear, and I thought it would improve your looks if you were to try it." " You horrid thing ! I'll never speak to you again—so there !" And that engagement ended. A fire broke out iv a dwelling-house tho other night, and after tho man and his wife safety reached tho street, the latter said that there were fifty dollars in the pocket of her dress, which was hanging in a second story back room. "I'll go for it," said the husband, and ho plunged into tho burning building, Tho flames raged furiously, and the man did not return. At the expiration of an hour the lire was extinguished, and tho back building saved. Firemen groped their way up tho rear stairs, through water and blinding smoko, and found the man in tho closut still fumbling at his wife's dress, looking for the money. Ho was nearly suffocated with smoke, but had strength enough to .say that he thought he would have found the pocket inside of two hours. It never occurred to him to seize the dress and rush out with it. Some men got so excited and nervous in time of iire.