FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4042, 5 July 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Pretty girl's version of Pope.—" Beauty is drawn, dear, by a shiyle heir. What the rudo boys shout to the -wearers, of fashionable high shoulders: "Shoulder humps!" ;„ Cultured parlor-maid (to Buttons): "You Tulgar boy ! You should never say ' ax, you should say 'harsk!'" .'•■:• .'•;.. '.'Whatisa lake?" asked the teacher. A bright little Irish .boy raised his hand: '' Well, Mikey, what is it ?" " Sure it's a hole in the kittle, mum." Mr Ruekin says that a : couple should court seyen years. Either Mr Ruskin has no grown-up daughters,, or coal is very much cheaper in Fngland than it is here. " Boys, can you tell me anything remarkable in the life of Moses ?'' asked a Sabbathschool teacher. '' Yes, sir,' • shouted one of the boys, "he broke all the commandments at once." . ....-..:

" Mamma," said a little up-town boy, as he left Ins bed and crawled into hers the other night, r " I can go to sleep in yoixr bed, I know I can ; but I.hare slept my bed all up." - . . "Well, I am glad the days are growing , longer and the nights shorter," remarked Jenkins, as he crawled into'bed afc 5 o'clock in the morning. " A fellow will be able to get a little rest." "Yes, sir," said the liquor dealer, "it is a good law that prevents any, one from opening a school within 500 ft. of a liquor saloon. School houses arc the ruin'of. the trade any way." -, Gr. A. Sala says that he had a cook once ■who, on. entering on her duties, was asked whether she understood the use of a salamander. ."Perfectly well," she replied.; "it is to kill rats with." : .

There is one good thing about leap year, and that is, that leap-year jokes can only Vβ, used once in four years. 'Some of the jokes are so feeble iiow that they are hardly expected to survive the siunmer: _ r A lesson in grammar.—Sylvie : Oh isn t he lovely ? Paul: Where did he come f rom ? Sylvie : Papa brung him home this after noon.' Paul: Tou shouldn't say " brung," Sylvie, you should say "brang." The grasshopper has, according to its size, 120 times the kicking power of. an avenge man. It must be exciting-times for tho young grasshoppers which go courting and find the old nian at home. A storekeeper conceived and executed the plan of putting up the sign, "Admission Free," over the door of his store, and his place has been! crowded ever since. The average human being does love a free show. ; " What a fresh complexion Miss B. has," said a gentleman to a young lady vt a part ji " Yes;'.' replied the lady,, who w.as a rival of Miss B:'s "it is quite early in the evening yet, you know, and it hasn't had time to dry." ; ■ ■ ".' ; The curiosity of a child of five had been aroused 'by seeing a magnifying glass. *' How many times does it magnify:?'' asked a gentleman, thinking to puzzle him. • "As ■many as you look it,!' was the'quick' reply. ; ' . ' ' •_ "Is your sister at home?" asked the gallant. "She is in the house," replied the juvenile brother. " Well, tell her; a gentleman wishes to sec. her." " Where is he?" replied the impertinent .youngster, and disappeared, ...... . -■'■:,■. ~■■• " Well, how are you to-day ?" asks the doctor. ' "My rheumatism" has gone. - I rubbed my'knee for an hour with your lotion," replies the patient. ' "Your knee? But you said it was your arm.'" "Yes: but the exercise cured me .!" ; ; " I hear that .you .are. to marry a wealthy Australian girl,'-' said one British nobleman to another. " Ya'as," replied his lordship. " You must allow me to congratulate you. Are there any encumbrances on her property ?".■'" Ya'as; the lady Some new words have lately been introduced in England. "To peacock" is applied by the London Times to a parade of troops for show only, while Punch has. givenus the expression "to slum." Slumming is now a fashionable amusement. Leaving home this, morning for the.office, ■we kissed our little four-year old good-bye, saying to him:—" Be a good boy to-day.". He somewhat surprised us by saying, " I ■will.' Be . a good man, papa." Sure enough, we thought, we needed the exhortation more than he. : : '

' Hitman nature is qtieer. A man who is hot of a very lovable' nature was ; always kind to little children.; " When I was a boy," he Replied, "I was thumped arid kicked around, and didn't get a kind word or look ivom one week's end to another, so I know how much children think of kindness." ■

At an auction sale the other day a marine view was being knocked dovrii at a handSome figure,' when a bluff sailor, who had happened to wander in, exclaimed, earnestly, "My stars! if thero ain't a vessel drifting on the rocks with a strong breeze blowing off shore." Tne artist took his work home to' rearrange the wind. ;" I believe I'll go out and stretch my legs a little," said a tall gentleman, as the train stopped at a station. "Oh, don't!" said a gentleman passenger who had been sitting opposite to him, and who had been much: embarrassed by the legs of the tall gentleman ; " don't do that. They are too long already." '■ ■■:. .:■-. ■■...„■:■.