FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 4036, 28 June 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Spring goods.—Mineral water. A crystal ghost.—A glass shade. A Wedding Party.—A Mormon. A notorious eavesdropper.—Rain. Persons who pick up a living.—Miners. Going over the score.—" Coming of Age." The hard way of the world.—The railway. Favorite winter resorts.—Heated apartments. When is a newspaper the sharpest?— When it is filed. Tho Three "Rs".—We are, you are, they are. To make a tall man short.—Rob him of his purse. Capable minister of the interior.—A restaurateur. A Cook's Query?— Can a rough voice be made clear by straining it. What is the greatest curiosity in the world ?—A woman's curiosity. Why is Canada like courtship ?—Because it borders on the United States.

Sad jest by a policeman with a large family—" Yes, I'm a cop, and I've many little copies." Scene, military school. Officer: "Who invented gunpowder." Recruit: Most likely an artilleryman. Why is a dividend drawn from the re-serve-fund like the Mahdi'r—Because it is a false profit, to be sure. Wherein aro a policeman and a rainbow alike? —Both are tokens of peace, and usually appear after a storm. "Itis so cold in Sweden," said a returned traveller, " that in winter time I invariably put on my gloves to wash with." Society is composed of two great classes— Those who have more appetite than dinner, and those who have more dinner than appetite. How to cloak the matter.—A lady in San Francisco recently celebrated the eleventh anniversary of her thirty-fourth birthday. Countryman, instructing his lawyer in his first case: "Yo know, lam an honest man—my whole life long I never employed a lawyer." "Yes," she said to.her bosom friend, "I always obey my husband ; but I flatter myself that I have something to say about what his command shall be."

Scene. —A river's brink ; Jock and Jean. Jock kneels and drinks. Jean: "Whit aye doein, Jock ?" Jock : "Makin' toddy." Jean : " Whaur's the whuskey ? " Jock : "I got it last nicht! " At a public-house. Tonalt, smacking his lips, "Hock, Tougal, what could be as potter as a gless o' whuskey an' watter whateffer?" Tougal, thoughtfully, "Two gless o' whuskey an' no watter." The Mormon Difficulty.—A contemporary talks of "fighting polygamy with words." But it is necessary to say that words can have no deterrent effect upon the man who has half a dozen wives in his family.

Certainly Not. —She went into a store to buy some toilet soap, and when the clerk was expatiating on its merits, about made up her mind to purchase; but, when he said "it woidd keep off chaps," she remarked that she didn't want that kind.

A young lady received the following note, accompanied by a bouquet of (lowers: " Dear , I send you by the boy a bockct of flours. This is like my luv for v. The nitc shade menes kepe dark. Rosis red and posis pail, my luv for v shall never fale." The following extraordinay advertisement appears in a German newspaper.— " Wanted, by a lady of quality, for adequate remuneration, a few well-behaved and respectably dressed children to amuse a cat in delicate health two or three hours a day.

Minister: "Well, John, I've nae doot, frao your long experience, ye cood occupy the poopit for an afternune yersol', should an emergency occur." Beadle: "Hoots, aye, sir, there's nae difficulty in that; but then, where in tho hacl parish wad ye get ouybody qualified to act as beadle ?" When Theodore Hook was asked for a donation to the Society for the Conversion of tho Jews, he replied that he had no money to give away, but if they sent him a Jew he would try and convert him. This was not quite what the society required, and Hook never hoard from them again.

"Are you sure that is a gentle horse?" asked a man of a colored gentleman, from whom he wished to purchase a buggy horse. " Gentlest boss in dis town. A chid kin dribe him. My wife is a mighty skeery woman, but she ain't afeered ob dis boss." "Sorry to hear it," said the white man. " A gentleman who is running against mo for office gave me money to buy a horse for him. I don't want you to say anything about it, but I want to get a horse that will run away with him and. kill him." " Den dis is de hoss, sah. Tore a 'spress waggon all to pieces day before yesterday, and lulled a cullud gen'leman. Jcs' suit yer, sah, for he will kill de onfortunate white man lessen a week." "You trifling liar, I wanted the horse for my wife, and merely tested your honesty, I don't want him." "Who's a trifling liar ?" "You are." " I ain't no wuss den yerse'f, boss ; 'case yerse'f tole a lie jes' to see ef I'd tell one. White man's got ter get outen de bed mighty soon in the mawnin' ter beat me tollin' ob a lie, lemme tell yer."

" I should like to show you a paper which I have," remarked a spruce young man in a no-doubt-you'll-be-glad-to-see-mo tone to a lackadaisical young lady who responded to his ring. " Agent P" she inquired. "Yes." The young lady turned on her heel and walked toward the inner apartment. He hardly know whether to consider this an invitation or not, but you don't have to drag an agent in to constitute an invitation in his mind, so ho entered. " Our paper," ho began enthusiastically, at the same time drawing a copy from his pjockct, "contains short stories, anecdotes, and descriptive articles. We have the best serial stories that can be procured. All tho most celebrated novelists arc engaged to write for us the coming year. Our poetry is unsurpassed, and there is no poet of eminence but will be represented in our columns during- the year. Wo have eng-aged Alfred Tennyson to contribute a poem every week at a cost of §113,000 each. We shall print during the year seven unpublished poems found among the papers of the late lamented Henry W. Longfellow. In fact, no one possessed of a literary taste can afford to be without our paper." "Yes?" said the young lady inquiringly. " Our paper," he continued, '' was started only six years ago, but since that time it has reached an unparalleled circulation solely through its intrinsic merit. We employ but few agents, and those the most reliable, high-minded young men that wo can find. At the present rate of increase our circulation at the end of next year will be reckoned among the millions. Our attractions for the coining year are luminously grand, superbly magnificent, and entirely unequalled, and all for $3 per year. Of course no beautiful, accomplished young lady like yourself would think of being without it. I shall take your order for one, shall I not ?" " Well," she murmured reflectively, half to herself, "the paper is a pretty good sized one, and bustles are coming into fashion again ; I don't know but what you may ; my name is Agnes De Wellington," and she sank back languidly on the sofa, and wondered j if dinner was most ready. I