FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3971, 12 April 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

]3y-the-\vay.—Mile-stones. Quicksilver. —The nimble sixpence. Always in uso.—Tho letter " S." Soothe to say.—A lullaby. The worso for ware. —A careless servant. Sound investment. —Purchasing a piano. A tough morsel.—The crust of the earth. On tho inoiid.—The thread and the patch. Loan exhibitions. —Articles in pawnbrokers' windows. When is wheat like a blnut knife ? — "When it is sent to be ground. Men who are glad to havo a deaf car turned to them. —Aurists. Tho oxtrcme penalty for bigamy—T wo mothers-in-law. Why are balloons in the air like vagrants ? Beeaiiso they have no visible means of support. " It's a great comfort to bo left alone," said tin Irish lover, " especially when your Hweetheat is wid yo." Never ! —You often hear of a man being "in advance of his age," but you never hoar of a woman being in the same prodicamont. Western term for tho temporary aberration.— " Gono-a-ducking" is what they say of a fellow in Arkansas who goes to court a young woman. A French barber's signboard read thus : " To-morrow tho public will be shaved gratuitously." Of course it is always " to-morrow." The very latest about woman.—Some malignant slanderer now states "that a woman needs no eulogist, for she speaks for herself." " Yes," Biiid Miss , Pemi, " I rejected Mr H0." , " , . Nice follow; but-I couldn't have the announcement of my marriage appear under tho hoad-lino—Hogg-Penn." Scene: Front of a millinery establishment. Sam—"Hallo, Gcordie, what's yerhurry." Gcordio, holding up ii box— " This is ii bonnet for tho wifo, and I'm hurryin , awa hanio wit aforo it goes oot o' fashion !" What a highly eultcred young lady know. —She knew music and painting and style, and possibly knew how to flirt ; but —saints of the kitchen !—she asked for a "ridiron to iron a shirt! ° A little boy having broken his rockinghorse tho day it was bought, his mother to rebuke him. Ho silenced her by inquiring, " What is tho good of a horse till it's broke?" Douglass Jcrrold at a party noticed a doctor,"!!! sombre black, waltzing with a voting lady dressed in a silk of brilhmtbhie. " As I live," exclaimed Jerrold, " there s a blue pill dancing with a black draught. ' "Do you think," asked a college student of a professor of theology, " that tho lion and lamb have ever yet lain down to-

gether?" "I don't know," answered the professor; " but if they have no doubt the lamb was missing from that date." A confirmed old bachelor was out at a social gathering , the other evening, whore he was so unfortunate as to become seated behind a party of vivacious young ladies. Conversation turned upon athletic subjects, when one pert young miss inquired: "Mr Brown, what is your favorite exercise?" "Oh! I have no preference; but just at present I should prefer dumb belles," was his rather curt reply. Harry Erskine, who succeeded Henry Dundas, afterward Lord Melville, as Lord Advocate of Scotland, happening to have a female client of the name of Tickle, defendant in action, commenced his speech in the following humorous strain :'' Tickle, my client, the defendant, my lord." Tho auditors, amused with the oddity of the speech, were almost driven into hysterics by the judge replying: "Tickle her yourself, Harry. You are as able to do it as I." A story is told of a provincial theatre in Ireland where Maoready was personating Virginius. In preparing for the scene in which the body of Dontatus is brought on the stage, the manager called to the Irish attendant —his property man —for the bier. Pat responded to the call at once, and soon returned with a full, foaming pot of ale, but was received with a string of anathemas for his confounded stupidity. "The bier, you blockhead !'' thundered the manager. ''And sure isn't it here ? " exclaimed Pat, presenting tho highly-polished quart measure. "Not that, you stupid fellow. I mean the barrow for Dentatus." "Then why don't you call things by their right name ? " said Pat. " Who would imagine for a moment you meant the barrow when j _ ou call for beer? "