FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3942, 8 March 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Fair Sport.—Flirting. Dead Men's Tales.—Wills. Military Tools.—" Files'' of soldiers. Tho enigma that all must give up—life. The Military "Public."—The canteen. A Landlady—the Only Original.—Mother Earth.

A Question of Time.—Tho erection of public clocks. What is the key-note of good manners ? Answer. —B natural.

When is a clock on the staircase dangerous ? vVhen it runs down.

What is tho most dangerous time to go into the country ? When tho trees are shooting and tho bull-rushes out.

What piece of carpentry becomes a gem as soon as it is finished ?—A-gate. Why is life like a conundrum ?—Because many givo it up. Jtaro bits of coloring by the old masters — black and blue spots on a schoolboy's back.

Tho man who always draws the line somewhere—A surveyor.

Why is a dead hen better than a live ono ? —Because she will lay wherever you put her.

Why an Englishman Travels. —Foreigners say that an Englishman's chief interest in travelling is to see whether Bradshaw is right. '' Mr Tim, how do you keep your books ? '' "Oh by double entry." " Double entry ! How's that?" "Oh, easy enough. I make one entry and father makes another."

His Wannest Friend. —"Who is your warmest friend ?" asked the teacher. —" My mother!" yelled one of the boys.—"Your mother ?"—"Yes," she ' warms ' me every day." Tho teacher has given up her missionary work.

Nature's economy.—A philosopher says: " In the economy of nature nothing is lost. The inside of an orange may refresh one man, while tho outside of the same fruit may serve as a medium for breaking , another man's leg."

There is no better don mot in literature than the reply of a girl who heard her father criticised severely across a dinner table. The careless critic paused a moment to say, " I hope he is no relative of yours, MissL.," and quick as thought she replied, with tho utmost nonchalance, " Only a connection of mother's by marriage."

Soon after the death of the poet Wordsworth, a man met n fanner in the neighbourhood, and said to him, " You have had a great loss." "What loss?" "Why, you have lost the great poet." " Oh, ay !" said the farmer, '' he is dead ; but ah hey no doubt t'wife will carry on t'business, and male it os profitable as ivver it was."

Johny came from school the other day very much excited. " What do you think, pa ? Joe Stewart, one of tho big boys, had an argument with the teacher about a question in grammar." "What position did Joe take?" "His last position was across a chair, face down."

In a suburban city a few days ago a widowed groom of seventy led to the matrimonial altar a blushing widow of fiftytwo. At the conclusion of the ceremonies some one proposed to enliven the. occasion by singing. But tho feelings of She happy couple may bo imagined when the company struck up and sung with the heartiest enthusiasm, "What shall tho harvest be?" —Bos. Tray.

Professor, examining ;i student: " What is a virgin forest f" Student: "A forest where no man lias ever been." J^rofessor, severely : "Shall I never be able to induce you to express yo«r ideas elegantly and classically? Wiry couldn't you say "A forest where the hand of man has never left its footprint' ?''

An old Highlander, rather fond of his toddy, was ordered by his physician, during a temporary illness, not to exceed oncoiince of spirits daily. Tho old gentleman was dubiems about the amount, and asked his son, a school-boy how much an ounco was. "Sixteen drams!" "What an excellent doctor!" exclaimed the Highlander. "Run and tell Donald M'Tavish and Big John to come doon the nicht."