FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3906, 26 January 1884, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Early to bed, early to rise, never yet tight, and advertise. A cut-away jacket is the proper costume for an elopement. An actress is sometimes supported by her liuaband —in the play. How sweet to recline in the hips (c) of age.—finy aged about eighteen. The' worst organ-grinder — A hollow tooth that pltiys the deuce.

What is tho oldest verso in existence ?— The universe.

Why aro babies like new flannel?—BecaußC they shrink from washing.

What i«" tho next thing- to a. hcu stealing?— Why, a cock robin, to be sure.

When is a bald-headed man reminded of his youth? When lie thinks of his top.

What word is it that by adding- two letters to it you would make it shorter ? — Short (or).

Why is a kiss like some sermons ?—Because thero arc two heads and an application.

When may a ship be said to be in love 'r "When she's in want of a mate or attached to a buoy. When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp r —When he is licked and put in a corner to stick to hii< letters.

"Why is paper-money move valuable than coin you double it when you put it into your pocket and comes out in■creases.

" Did you buy whisky ?" asked his wife. "I did not —buy a jugfull," lie replied. Ho bought it by the bottle. When Ismail Pasha looks'at his bill for fall bonnets, that's the time, of course, that ho finds his harem scare 'im.

"I Wo men," said Queen ■ Chrietino of Sweden, " not because they are men, but because they arc not women."

" Sho stoops to conquer." Can this refer io tho fond mother who bends over her wayward boy with a number five slipper?

"Is it healthy to lie on one nido constantly?" asks a correspondent. " Not if youju'o a lawyer," replies The Eockland Courier Gazette.

A critical friend remarked to Mrs Siddona that applause was necessary to actors, as it gavo them confidence. "More," she replied " it gives us breath." , A defendant in a New York Court produced a letter from'a washerwoman testifying to his good character. This witty stroke of flatirony procured his release. A young lady, on being asked -what ysiness her lover was in, and not liking to

gay ho bottled soda, answered, " He's a practising fizzician." Lost wealth may be replaced by industry ; lost knowledge by study; lost health by temperance or medicine ; but lost time is gone for over. "Why do you set your cup of coffeo on the chair, Mr Jones ?" said a worthy landlady one morning at breakfast. "Itis so very weak, ma'am," said Jones, I thought I would let it rest" Don't eat anything but well-cooked and nutritious food. If hash is put on for breakfast, go out and see if your neighbor's dog is safe. How dare you swear before me ? asked a man of his Ron recently. How did I know you wanted to cuss first answered the spoiled urchin. During the Crimean war a young soldier wrote a letter to his mother, which letter he concluded in the following way :—" I cannot tell you any more, for my feet are so cold that I cannot hold my pen." It is the fashion to use one perfume only. Thus one girl always uses violet, another rose, etc. By thia plnn a young man's mother soon learns to distinguish at a smell which young lady her boy spent the evening with. The Irishman had a correct appreciation of tho business who, being asked by tho judge, when he applied for a license to sell whitikey, if he was of pood moral character, replied, "Faith, per honor, I don't see the necessity of a good moral character to sell whiskey." Related.—A colored mm, applying for a marriage license, was asked if he and tho lady were related. —'• Yes, sail," he replied. —When asked how, ho answered, " I thought you deluded to do tender relashuns ob lαv whtit prevails between us at do present moment," The young man who is ashamed of his mother because she doe.sn't " put on style," and of his father because he doesn't use elegant language, is a baby that had no business toliave ever grown up. An overdose of soothing , syrup would have been a blessing , to him. Insoluble Problem.- —When a man is standing with one foot on a cart and the other on a case on the pavement, and the horse suddenly starts, and causes him to open like a pair of shears, the rapidity with which lie can't decide what to do is one of the most insoluble phenomena of human nature.

A pompo .13 young lawyer, in addressing an old judge, said: "May it please your lordship, it is written in the book of nature that tho eternal law of " "At what pa go ?" exclaimed the judge interrupting him—"at what page?" Tho pompous young lawyer was visibly embarrassed. What was thought to be an unfathomable cave in Crawford County, Indiana, turned out to be the mouth of a Chicago girl who was visiting in the neighborhood. Several exploring parties that went in on j>n investigating tour have not been heard from since. As they were from St. Louis their friends and relatives have given up all

hope. Ho was a little green, though he pretended to know all about tho music she was playing. She was at tho piano, knocking Heaven's delight out of a march with some long names and she evidently thought she was paralyzing both him and the instrument. All of a sudden there was a phnsu. " What's the matter?" said he. "Why, I dropped two notes !" "Did you?" said he, getting up and looking carefully around the stool and under the piano. " I didn't sec you. Who were they from—but of course you wouldn't tell me you know."

A butcher who was afflicted with obliquity of vision known as "strabismus," was about slaughtering a bullock, and he employed a little negro to stand by the animal's neck, grasp his horns and hold his head steady, so that ho would have a certainty of knocking , him down. As the butcher poised his axe in the air he seemed to be looking directly at the negro instead of. at the bullock. " Look here, look here, boss," exclaimed the darkey, with a great deal of nervous trepidation, "is you gwine to strike whar you is looking?" "Of course I am," was the reply. "Den you git somebody else to hold de bullock," ejaculated the negro ; "you isn't gwine to knock this chile's brains out. —St. George's Journal.