FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3883, 29 December 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

A dry spell—fj-ii-h-a-r-a. A culinary bird—The cook-00. A changeable girl—Anna Gram. How to make a clean .sweep—Wash him. A. suggestion for the oil region—Be n:)t weary in well doing - .

When are acrobats murderers ': When they poi.sc-on each other. The printer's imp is not so apt to be imjxirtial us ho is to be imp-pertinent.

What is that which makes everybody sick but those who swallow it ?■ —Flatten'.

A grumbler ways there is one thing which can always bo found, and that is fault.

As an inducement to young men, it may bo said that a good wife is never a miss. When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer I- , When he discovers a new star.

Said a wild boy to a lecturer : You'd jnako a good martyr. You'd burn well. You aro so dry.

All studies aro not detrimental to the student's health. Tho arithmetic in particularly whole .sum.

Tlio N.Z. Herald says "no two linger tips are alike." Wo have had to tip fingers all alike in a good many places. Mr .Emerson very kindly and ohamotoristiealty says that a weed is a plant whose equalities have not yet been discovered. "Why, what's the matter with Frank? He is generous to a fault." "yes," said I'ogg. "If tho fault happens to be his own."

"This insurance policy is a queer thing," 'eaid old Duncan Ddbbs reflectively, "If I ■can't sell it t cancel it, and if I caivx] it, I C'tfji't sfcll it."

Real estate is said to be good security because it never rims away. This, however, is not wholly reliable. We have known lands to slope before this. " I sny Mick, what sort of potatoes are those you are planting?" "Raw ones to be sure -your honor wouldn't be thinking I would be planting boiled ones." Our Literary Man (to his sweep): "I am sorry to say that I haven't got any silver in the house. Would you mind taking- a shilling's worth of stamps ?" " What ft wonderful age of invention it is," said Mrs Petersen; "I see they are now making wiro cloth, and I'll have some this week to put in Johnny's everyday pants." Whoever doubts that the newspaper has a mission should enter a train and see howuseful they arc to the men when a fat woman with a big basket is looking around for a seat.

An old fellow went to dine at a chophouse, and after waiting some minutes, gruffly asked the waiter, " How long- will my chop be ?" " About four inches, sir ?'' was the reply. The old adage, "Better the day, better the deed," which is often quoted to justify work on Sunday, does not always hold good, especially when the deed is a deed of real estate executed on the Sabbath.

They had had a funeral from the house the day before, and at breakfast the landlady solemnly asked—" Is there anything worse than tne cold grave P " A heartless boarder answered, "Yes, ma'am. Cold gravy." Little Tommy (taking a walk along a very dusty road): '' What becomes of people when they die, mamma?" Mamma: "They turn into dust, dear." Tommy: "What a lot of people there must be on this road'" "Corn exchange!" exclaimed Mrs P. " What an idea ! 1 hain't got but one corn, and I wouldn't exchange that with anybody, for who knows what might come along with another person's corn ? Corn exchange, indeed. What stuff! " "Johnnie" F.'iid the teacher, "a. lie can bo noted as well as told. Now if your father was to put sand in his sugar, and sell it, lie would be noting a lie and doing very wrong." "That's what mother told him," said Johnnie, impetuously, "and he said he didn't care."

"When I grow up I'll be a man, won't I?" asked a little boy of his mother. " Yes, my son ; but if you want to be a man, you must be industrious at school and learn how to behave yourself." "Why, mammn, do the lazy boys turn out to be women when they grow up 'i " " Oh, John ! " said an aunt to her spendthrift nephew, "oh, John, you wouldn't pawn the watch poor uncle gave you, would you?" "Yes," answered John, "I'd pawn anything — even tho silent watches of the night '—if I could find a pawnbroker who'd take 'em."