FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), 22 December 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Cold comfort. —Ice-water. Weather report.—A clap of tliunclov. Pacific mail service: fiocking the cradle at 2 a.m. A fop iz a female in disguize, and weak specimen at that. Better to havo loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall. When you are running , from a mad bull to he plow isn't to ).>e s;ire. Girls, like wpportunitierf, aro all the more to you after being , embraced. Don't you think the brido is foolish that slio never marries tlio best nun , .. Why is a carpenter lileo a barber ? Because ho can't get along without shavings. Slade will never iiuike a successful pugilist, for the Mnouri fights the Maouvi don't want to. Borrowing is ha ft'-brother to begging, and both ov them are about 4th cuzzins to stealing. . Dining is a fine art. So is getting an invitation to dinner where you are not particularly wanted. Brevity iz power. A man kau strike a mutch quicker and harder blow with a twofoot klub than with ono that is sixty. A Yankee editor, .observing that "The eonsus embraces seventeen million women," asks, "Who wouldn't bo a census?" The Spaniards must bo a cynical people, or they'd never have auch a proverb .as '•' 4

woman's tears cost but little but brings her much." A locomotive engineer is about tho only man in the world to whom is entrusted the privilege of making time. Almost anybody can kill time. " Mr Tsaacs, cau you tole me vere vas the first diamond ?" ', No, Mr Yawcobs ; vera vas it?" " Vy, Noah's son on der ark ;he was a Sham of der fust vuter. When a Missouri boy has been thrashed by his father for playing truant he alludes to tho old man as having been on a whaling voyage and getting lots of blubber. <' I am saddest when I write humorous articles," said a "funny man " to anacquiantance, "and I," said the acquaintance, " am saddest when I read them." Head of the establishment—" David, you are a fool?" David—"Well, sir, I can't help it. When you engaged me, you told me to imitate you, and I've done the best I could." There was a man a week or two ago playing a French horn at tho corners of streets and in front of residences. What has become of him? Murder does not always out. " Dead broke, eh ?" queried a Boston man of a seedy-looking indvidual, whom he saw passing , "into a shop adorned with three golden balls. "No," was the curt reply, " pawn broke." " What Ails this Heart of Mine !" is the name of a song that is said to be very popular. A young friend suggests that the writer of the song probably saw his girl out with another fellow. "Student" wants to know what kind of a bird was the dodo. From the fact that the species is entirely extinct, we suppose it was the fabled spring chicken, of which we still hear so often and see never. Bella Guerin admitted last week to degree of 8.A., Melbourne University, the first lady who has taken a degree there. For two and six wo will be glad to announce when Bella takes the degree of MA.MA. Host (in agony about his polished floor) : "Hadn't you better come on the carpet, old fellow ? "I am afraid you will slip, you know." Guest (with a wooden leg). "Oh, it's all right, old fellow. Thanks f There's ii nail in the end you know. "A soft answer," Sea.— Stout lady passenger in tramcar, wincing (he had trodden on her best corn). "Phew —clumsy." Polite old gent: "Very sorry, my dear madam ; but if you had a foot large enough to be seen such an accident couldn't occur." And then the stout lady smiled. At tht; recent Circuit Court, Cooktown, Georgcv, a guileless aboriginal, was cautioned by the Judge that if be told a lie he'd "go a long time to gaol." To which the blacking bottle impersonator George Washington promptly replied, "No b fciir, Mass'r Judge, baal me tell 'im lie. Me speak 'mi truth ; by kripes, you see now."