FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3843, 10 November 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

An English Homo Ruler—The baby. Darkness that may bo felt—A black hat Uneasy lies the head where the mosquito reigns. . The best thing to take before smgmg— breath. ~. . There's very littlo or no opposition to a red-hot poker. The right sort of thing to have during tlio hot weather—A cool thousand or two. When a-woman gives you a "bit of her miutl," it is because she cannot keep the peace. A .Boston iirlist painted fin orange pool on the pavement so_ naturally that six. fat men fell down upon it. 'Emerson says :—" A man passes for what he is worth." No, he doesn't; ho passes for tho sake of getting a new trump. The young lady with "speaking eyes" has become quite"hoar.se in consequence of using.them ho much. All efforts to make hay by gaslight have failed ; but it is discovered that wild oats can bo'SOWn under its benign uud cheerful 1 , Where do all the flics go tor" asks an oxchango. They hnvo been boarding at our office this month.

The waiter inferred that the guest had taken a little something before .supper from the more fact of his ordering " tied fraters and chork pops." "Whiskey," said the doctor, "hardens the brains." " Maybn it does," replied the horrible example, " but it softens the knees most won'erfully. . There is nothing like a bicycle to put flesh on a man. A greenhorn has had one only a week and his left ankle is three inches larger around than it was when he first rode it. An Arkansas man recently committed suicide, and as he left the whisky bottle in his pocket nearly full he was judged insane. " Howl tli at suit you ?" said the hound pup, as he looked up at the visitor's window and reminded him that the moon was up.

The latest aesthetic slang -when ladies reprove their admiring gentlemen friends is, "You flatter too awfully perfectly much." The styles in millinery this spring are very unlike lust year ; but the spiteful remarks which each lady feels it her duty to make about her neighbours' bonnets will be pretty much the same as usual. Mistress (to new cook): "Now, Sarah, if you are strictly honest and economical, I will give you something extra per month." New cook: "Thank you, ma'am; I will think over it, and let you know in the evening." A country preacher said he knew it was the proper thing for him to be poor and humble; " and, brethren," he added, "I know that I can confidently depend on you to keep mo poor, and let us hope that the Lord will make me humble." A pompous young lawyer, in addressing an old judtro, said : "May it please your lordship, it is written in the book of nature that the eternal law of "—"At what page: , "—The pompom young lawyer was visibly embarrassed. One morning, while pome corporation workmen were taking some rubbish out of the police buildings, Pilgrim-street, Newcastle, one of them remarked, " Thor's a lot of bottles lieor, lads. Noo for ma pairr, aa like to see ivvory man teetotal." " Ay, sartinly tlioo dis," "rejoined a mate ; "but that , a" 'cas thoo thinks thor'll be inair left for thysel '.'' Jim Sniverly lias been absent from Austin for several years. He returned not

lony since, ami one of the first men lie met was Bill Tinker.soii. They luul just taken a social drink when Bill remarked:—-" Do you remember Sally Jane Bonderly Y ' "Why, yes; that groat bij;, g'awkey, redlicitdod jrirl with iruokcls as big as a dime all over her nose?" " Ye.-s-that's the gal." "Of course I remember her. Nobody could over forgot I' ol '- ™ impossible to duplicate ;t face like that. Who had a mouth like a cat fish. What of her?" " Oh nothing ; except she is my wife."