SPOOPENDYKE BUYS A PRINTING PRESS.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3774, 20 August 1883, Page 4

SPOOPENDYKE BUYS A PRINTING PRESS.

Spoopeudyke came home one night carryiu<>- a small bundle in his arms.

"It's a printing press, on Avhich I expect to do all my oavii printing hereafter," ho said. "Oh, but isn't that lovely?" fluttered Mrs Spoopeudyke, rushing toiler husband's side ; "and can't Aye do the loveliest tilings with it? Is it tho kind that tho Herald, and Sun, and all those papers are printed ■with?"

"Oh, yes, Mrs Spoopeudyke," growled her husband ; "you've hit it exactly. This is the very kind. I got Mr Bennett to kindly try it on, so as to get it the same size as the Herald is printed on." _ "And Avill you print papers Avith yours, like Mr Bennett and the other editors!'" continued Mrs Spoopeudyke, timidly. " Oh, but Avon't I though !" yelled her husband. '' You've struck the proper plan. Think you can print a fifty by sixty slioavbill AA'ith a three by four press-' AVell, I tell ye that ye can't. Can you get it into your Avoniau's head that this is a card press, and can only print a card three Inches by four inches r l '' "Oh, it's a card press, is it ?" ventured Mrs Spoopeudyke; "then avo can print those beautiful Christmas cards on it, can't "WO ?" ~,„-,,,,-, '' Noav you' vo got it, yelled her husband, "That's the idea. In prints in thirty-live Aiil'erent colors at one impression, and any design, from the picture of an old crank ■with" n sealskin overcoat, loafing around somebodv'H chimney Avith a game-bag full of jumping-jacks, to the New Year, 1883, represented by a hump-back baby dressed in a broad grin, Avith a napkin tied around his waist, driving out tho old year, dressed as an old tramp, Avith a mowing machine and a gallon jug of Avhisky under his arm. That's the idea, exactly. Think you can print chromes and lithographs on it, don't you? AVell, you can't. You can only print one colour, and that is black. Think you can grasp it uoav?" "AVell," said Mrs Spoopeudyke, "_ I suppose you can print visiting cards on it r" "Yes, Mrs Spoopeudyke, I can," said Mr Spoopeudyke in a softer tone, and he "•reAV in a much bettor humour as he proceeded to slioav his Avifc the press, and exhibit his dexterity in the use of the type and the press. At last he got the Avorthy helpmate s name set up in type, and proceeded to put the chase on the press Avith a grand flourish. But in an evil hour he had forgotten to keep it up, aud at a touch the Avhole business Avent into "pi," and at the next fell in a confused mass all over the carpet. "AVhy, Avhat makes it do that!'" said Mrs Spoopeudyke, laughing. "AVhat makes it do that, Mrs S. ?" ansAVered her husband, as he hit his head on a corner of a tabic in a mad clivo after ti.'c type. "AVhat d'ye s'pose makes it do it*! AVhat makes anything do anything? If'l had your talent for asking idiotic questions I'd get a £lass of beor and a threeinch paper collar, Jiud hire out as a prosecuting attorney." By this time the Avorthy gentleman had "•ot tho name set ny and .securely fastened, and aviis printing with great gusto; but he had, unfortunately, set the typo in fhc tvrong order, and tho first eight visitingcards came out like tho following :—

.ekydncpoopS srM AVhen Mrs Spoopeudyke saw it, she set up a little scream. " Oh, isn't that funny, though ? AVhat makes it wrong side up'r " "Funny," howled tho husband, with horrid derision as he grasped the situation. " It's a perfect thunderbolt of fun. It's the most dcliciously humorous thing of the century. All you Avant is an advertisement of liver pills on tho cover, and a joko about a ,roat ou the first page, to he a comic almanac. With your appreciation of humour, all yolt need is a broad grin and three thousand dollars' worth or stolen diamonds, to be the leading comedienne ot tho American boards. Can't you sec the measly typo's turned Avrongf They have only "ot to bo turned around the pthev "way. ' After half an hour of diligent labour, the type.-i Avere again in position, securely keyed im and put ou the press. AVhen the final arrangements were completed, Mr Spoopeudyke turned round to while at the baby, and incautiously left his thumb over tho edge of tho press. As luck wo ild havo it, Mrs Spoopeudyke, m her Sty to show her husband how well she uXiood and appreciated the press, brought the lover down, and the press closed 011 that gentleman's thumb, making lum

jump four foot, and utter an exclamation that Avould have made the second lieutenant of a company of pirates blush. "Confound the measly printing press," he shrieked, as he smashed the base burner Avith it, and then he threAv it in the alley, "Haven't you got any sense scarcely? AAHvy didn't you go on with the entertainment ? The measly thing only got as far as the bono. AAliy don't you finish the chapter?" and Mr Spoopcndyke danced up stairs, five at a time, Avith a parting injunction to his Avifc to hire out for a slaus'hter-house. "AA r cll," said Mrs Spoopeudyke, as she picked up the baby, and put a pitcher of Avater Avhere her husband AA-ould be sure to fall over it Avhen he Avent down stairs in the morning, "if avc haA'c so much trouble in printing one Avord, I Avondcr hoAV MiBennett gets along Avith a whole neAVspaper to print."—Brooklyn Eagle.