FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3767, 11 August 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

It is a good rule to forgive cilery man who has done you an injury, and especially if you find that you can't pay him back. Hoylo says "Never trump your partner's ace."" AVo never do. Our luck is never to have a trump, and our partner's luck is never to have an ace.

AA r hoei r cr doubts that the neivspapcrs have a mission should enter a tram and see how useful thoy are to the man Avhen a fat woman with a big basket is looking around for a scat.

A Highlanclmaii, when asked what sort of a Avoinan his Avifo Avas, replied, "She's prood, she's pcttit, she's ill-natured, she's a thief, and she's a leear, but," he added, "Eh man, ye canna in this world have everything perfection.'' "There is nothing like settling down," said a retired merchant confidently to a neighbour. AVhen I gai-c up business, I settled down, and found I had quite a fortune. If I had settled up I should not have had a farthing.

A pretended ghost made its appearance in a country town the other night, and accidentally ran against a bull-dog. Tho result of the encounter established beyond all doubt that thero ivas nothing superstitious about tho dog-.

A physician falls into a fit Avhilo making a round of visits, and is carried into a drugstore. " Send for Dr. X ," says sonicbody. "No, no, not for him," says tho dying man feebly, at the mention of his rival's name. "If ho brought me round it ivould advertise him ! I prefer to die."

Horace Grcely used to tell this story. Ho once sent a claim for collection to a AVestern lawyer, and, regarding it as rather a desperate demand, told the attorney if hecollected it ho might reserve half the amount for his fee. In due timo Mr Grcely received the folloAving laconic epistle:—"Dear Sir, I have succeeded in collecting my half of that claim - The balance is hopeless."

An excellent story is told of a British .soldier in Egypt. His colonel, observing him ono morning Avending his way to camp Avith a fine Egyptain rooster in his arms, halted him to know if ho had been stealing chickens. "No, colonel," was the reply ; "I just saw the old fellow sitting on the fence, and I ordered him to ci-oav for old England, and he Avouldn't, Avhon I confiscated him for a rebel."

Every man to his trade. —Heavy tragedian in railway hotel —"Prithee, landlord, dwells there Avitlrin the precincts of this hamlet a machinist ?" Landlord—" A machinist '< Yes, sir." "Then bear him to this bird of many springs. Bid him rend asunder thoso iron limbs, and then for our refreshment, to chisel slices from its unyielding bosom for avc avouM dine anon. A.iid pray you do it quickly. Yon peas you need not carve, for those, ivith dexterous management, wo can SAvallow Avhole. Away!" Punishing Bad Manners.—"Mr O'Rafferty," s.iid the judge, " Avhy did you strike Mr Murphy!" " Because the dirty spalpeen refused, sorr, to give mo a civil answer to a civil question, sorr." "What Avas tho civil question you asked him?" "I had hoard, yer honor, from Denis O'Poole that Murphy had been talkin' about me ; and I had said to him, as porlitc as I kneiv lioav,. 'Mister Murphy, ain't your own brother tho biggest blackguard in Austin, exceptin' yourself and your other brother Avho ran off for horsc-stcalin' some j'ears ago, and your cousin ivho is absent at tho pinitintiary ?' " " And ivhat rudo answer did ho return to such a civil question p" " Mister Murphy said to mc, and in a very improper Avay, sorr, ' Ay course mo and me folks are the biggest thaves iv Austin, prisint company excepted.' So I said 'Murphy, you arc another,' and struck him Avid mo fist."