FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3755, 28 July 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

A hen is a kind mother but still she sits on her children.

A girl is like a music book when she is "full of airs."

It is "put up or shut up" with the umbrella.

Does the man avlio treats his friends to a glass of beer malt-treat him? Young grandson, prescntinghiscigarca.se to his grandfather: " No, my hid, I don't smoke." "Quite right grandpa; at your ago it is objectionable." Biggs takes a peculiar delight in going to church. Ho has been swindled by two or three of the pillars, and although he doesn't dare to call them so himself, it relieves his feelings immensely to hear them owning up in public every" Sunday that they arc "miserable sinners." An advertisement in the Ncav York Sun says: "An errand boy wanted ; only a live boy need apply." It is avcll to bo explicit in matters of this kind. There is nothing more heartless than to advertiss for boys indiscriminately, and have perhaps twenty or thirty dead ones apply for the position, only to be disappointed. It is now learned that the attempt to blow up the London Times building was meant in all kindness. It was not intended ■that very much damage should be done, the perpetrators simply wanting to shake up the paper a little, and sec if they couldn't put some life into it. One of the most interesting curiosities exhibited at a fair in .St. Louis is said to be a bottle of Madeira Avine, which has been all around tho Avorld with a wealthy gentleman who did not open it. It is suggested that the man, rather than the wine, should be put on exhibition. Small boy of eight (looking over picture book with'boy of ten): "What's that?" Small boy of ten: " Why don't you know ? That's a donkey. Haven't you ever seen a donkey !" Small buy of eight (doubtfully) : "No." Small boy of ten (patronisingly) : " Why I have; lots of 'em—in the Theological Gardens, you know." A number of lads were recently standing near a Newcastle auction room examining a curious tin box. " Woy, whaativvor i' the Avakl is that thing?" said one of them. "Oh," remarked "a gentleman avlio was standing near, " that's a deed box." "Had away, "exclaimed tho inquirer " aa Avarned thoo thinks thoo's clivvor. Did thoo think wo tlioAvt it Avas aliA-c." " I'm going to a masquerade ball next week," said alialdheudediiian to his friend, " and I would like to have you advise me in regard to choosing a costume." Glancing at" ho nlmiiiifr pate before him, the advisoiobserved: "You want something simple, yet appropriate, I suppose r" " 1 es, thui/s it exactly. What Avould you suggest?" "Well, all you need is a green dress and a well varnished head, and you'll be a perfect egg plant." "You must cheer up. Remember that everything is for tho best. You must_ not grieve. Just remember that your wife is in heaven, Avhcre there is everlasting peace," said the Reverend Joseph Miggles to the poor man, avlio bad recently lost his Avife. The Avidower shook- his head, and replied sadly : I Avish I could think so, but I can't. There may have been peace in heaven before she got there : but you know what sort of a woman she Avas."

It is remarkable what little bites a woman takes when eating in the proseiieeof her sweetheart. What a little mouth she lias then! She nibbles with her little white teeth like some dainty squirrel eating a nut. But wait until wash-day comes. Watch her when she goes to hang up clothes and gets in a hurry. By the time that she gets the big ends of 15 clothespegs hid in her mouth, you will begin to think that it is a pretty good-sized, hearty mouth after all.

The Referee tells a funny story about a lady uncommonly well known at this end of the world, to wit, Maggie Moore (Mrs J. O. Williamson). The yarn is to the effect that Mrs J. C. Williamson's mother, an old Irishwoman, was greatly opposed to her daughter's footlight aspirations; and so, when Matfgie, having obtained an engagement as singing chambermaid, rushed home Avith the news, she was greeted with the cry: "Chambermaid, is it? Chambermaid, bedad ? Faix, its fitter that ye stopped at liomo and helped your mother than to be empfyiu' slops for durty actors." The -wiiia-np" of a temperance lecture in the West of Ireland the other day : — "Friends and whisky drinkers—And I axes yo and one and all what has been the ruin and degradation of our dear old countrie ? Whisky, boys, Whisky ! What lias brought about the numerous and disgraceful increases in the population P Whisky ! Whisky! What has filled our ditchers, our gutters, our workhouses, and our asylums with the bodies of our unselfish and devoted countrymen P Whisky, boys, whisky ! And, above all, What makes ye miss the d landlords when you fire at them? Why, whisky, ye divils, whisky!"