WHY HE CHEWED.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3754, 27 July 1883, Page 4

WHY HE CHEWED.

Sho Avas large aud flashy and course, and more than all these, sho was fat. AVhcn she entered a Highland car yesterday all tho passengers looked at her, and fell to reckoning np the profits of a travelling show Avith hor as a leading* attraction. In loss than five minutes every inmate but one had mado himself a retired millionaire, and avus sitting ou the piazza of his country residence, smoking fifty-cent cigars by the mile. This one exception, sat opposite tho leading attraction aud chewed tobacco, with a heavenly resignation ou his face, such as school-boys who aro having their milk teeth extracted aro supposed to Avear as an exclusive. Among that car-load of awestruck mortals ho sat and chewed the cud of narcotic content and spat upon tho rug, a living embodyment of the great and only undazzled. The leading attraction gathered her skirts around hor and cast a look at him that AA'ould have gono through a cow-hide boot and tAvo pairs of stockings and a Avithercd cork-leg. Everybody expected to see him shrivel to a mummy, but ho didn't oven Avilt —he only i chewed and smiled. " Fellow," said she, " you chew tobacco r" He nodded. "AVhy do you spit in my presence!'" " I'll not endure it; I Avill at once call the conductor." " Pray don't disturb yourself: if madam Avi-dies to get oil I shall bo pleased to stop tho car." She looked Catling guns and dynamite at him, but said nothing. He spoke again, and sho did not signal tho conductor; she sat still aud hoard him. " If madam will listen, I shall bo pleased to tell her Avhy I am obliged to indulge iv this habit that is so hateful to her. Ido it to escape- a Averse —indeed, a much Avorso fato. Madam, as a _ ou are iioav, so once Avas I." Sho started and said: "AA'hat do you moan ': " " I Avas obese." She looked scornful. "I AA-as polysarcous." Sho looked interested. " I AA'as, I say, sinqueseent." She seemed completely fascinated. " In other Avords, I Avas fat." And mad avhs no name for how she looked. She tried to ealch lho conductor's eye, but hi.' Avas busy staring at some girls in a window on AVashingtnn street, aud did not sec her ; she made a frantic effort to get up, but the car was in motion, and she was firmly Avcdircd, so she Avas obliged to listen. "Yes, Madam, 1 Avas almost as bad off as you are now. Liko-you I ate chalk and drank vinegar; 1 took arsenic; and belladonna in largo doses, but thoy did me no good, aud in a few years I should have been as Meshy as you avo if T. had not got relief from tobacco. Every time I entered a struct car thoy called for another horso ; my picture Avas stuck up in all the local fairs, aud labelled 'Tho Prizo Porker :' the soap boy used to yell 'grease' an extra half hour under my window every morning, and olio lime when I was sick, the boss of an oleomargarine factory called upon my wife and tried to get a, mortgage on my remains. He said lie had a promise of yours, and if he could got a claim on mine all tlio associated creameries might go to—hello ! must you go so soon ': AVell, good-by, Take my advice and go to chewing. It Avill help you when everything olsofails."

The groat undazzled put in another quid and looked dreamily out on tho Common, ■aid four old maids with paper parcels and band boxes camo in and occupied the seat left vacant by tho loading attraction.—■ Hoston Globe."