FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3749, 21 July 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

A writ of attachment.—Alovo-lottcr. A fitting opportunity.—A visit to the dressmaker.

What sort of fruit do ji fretful wife and a quarrelsome husband resemble 'i A prickly pear. A newly-married man had discovered that tho diJl'ereuce between an umbrella and a woman is that you can sometimes shut up the umbrella.

A medical journal devotes a whole column to explaining what caused cold perspiration. Any ono who has gone up a dark alley and stopped on a dog - , would be wasting valuable time in reading it. "If you don't want tho soot, don't go up tho chimney," was the reply of an editor to a " rosjicetablo" party who requested him not to mention the fact that they had been arraigned in the Police Court. Little Arthur had been to church. "Jfow did you liko tho sermon r" asked his sister. "Pretty well," responded the youthful critic. '' The beginning was very good, and go was tho end; but—it had too much middle."

A man was taken up for stealing some valutiblo fanny ducks, and after a description of them, the prisoner's attorney said, " Why, they can't be such a rare breed, for I have some of them in 1113' own yard. "Very likely," said tho complainant; "I have lost a good many lately." A gentleman not long since wishing , to pop tho question, did it in tho following manner. Taking up tho young lady's cat, he said, "Pussy, may I have your mistress ?'' It was answered by tho young lady, who aaid, "Say yes, pussy." Every day or so, during the pant nix mouths, wo have been confronted with a paragraph stating that tho " Chinese have no word that in equivalent to hell." As a Chinaman never hooks the ulolhcs-lino with an axe when ho is chopping wood, ho don't fcol tho necessity of oiich a -rigorous expletive After "Bob" Ingersoll hud spoken uu fcour and fifteen minutes to a Boston

audience, some one in the crowd asked him, "How long arc you going to keep us?" The reply was: "You can go as soon as you want to. I always notice that a person generally goes as soon as he gets his head full." The audience broke out in roars of laughter. Croquet will soon be on deck again, and the circumambient air will again be surcharged with special invoices of those dear old familiar concomitants of the game, such as " You horrid thing," " You aro just as hateful as you can be," "I won't play another minute, thero," "You're a regular cheat," etc. It is unnecessary to repeat them. You will hear them all in a fewshort days. Nervous gentleman—" Don t yoii think, Robert, going so fast down hill is very likely to make the horse fall?" Robert— " Lord bless yer, no sir !" I never throwd a hoss down in my life, except once ; and that was one frosty, moonlight night (just such a night as this it was), as I was a drivin' a gent (as might be you) from the station, when I throwed clown this werry hoss in this werry identical place !" It consists of two pieces of hardwood, each about ten inches long, sharpened at one end, and having a hole bored in the other. These are to be tied to the legs of the chickens that infest the gardens, with tho sharp ends of the sticks in such a position that they will drag behind. Then when the chicken attempts to scratch, tho sharp ends of tho pieces of wood will stick in the ground and thus walk the chicken right out of the garden in spite of itself. Professor Proctor may tell within the sixteenth of an inch the length of a comet's tail, and Professor Huxley give us the exact weight and ago of the earth, and Herbert Spencer evolve more philosophy in one day than the average man can understand in six months ; but when it comes to determining the ripeness of a watermelon from its exterior, the triumvirate of scientific sharps must take a back scat and let the Southern coloured man, who never had a day's schooling, step to the front. When' Miss Notebanger was asked to play she went to tho piano, after so7iic coaxing, and played the polka she had been practising upon for four weeks. Then she turned about and said in her artless way : "Now I suppose you wouldn't believe it if I should tell you' that this is tho first time I ever tried that piece?" Fogg, the villain, quickly replied, "Of course we should believe it; "we couldn't doubt your word, Miss Notebanger." And tho young lady was heard to" mutter that somebody or other was a great hateful thing and sho didn't like him one bit.