FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3743, 14 July 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Trying to do business Avithout advertising is like Av'inking in the dark—you may knoAy Avhat you are doing, but neither the prettygirl or anybody else does. An agricultural paper tells "How to Dress a Hog." But what's the use of dressing a hog ? It Avould ruin its clothes before it had them on two hours. Archbishop Whately was once asked if he rose early. He replied that once he did, but ho was so proud all the morning, and so sleepy all the afternoon, that he determined never to do it again.

AVhen a man can fasten the rear button of his collar Avithout pulling his face or thinking profanity, he exhibits a quality of patience under difficulties Avhich eminently fits him to be cashier for a weekly newspaper. Atalanta claims to have a young lady who has the finest and prettiest head of hair in the United States. The name of the party from Avhom sho purchased it is not made public. Neither Babylon, Rome, Athens, nor any of the other much-boasted cities had a decent house drain, a gas jet, a door bell, a grate, or knew how to make oyster soup. You didn't lose anything by Availing.

An editor avlio av.-ib courting a woman of uncertain ago, but a positive bank account, was cut out by a gentleman from a neighbouring tOAVn, avlio married her and took her homo. AVhereupon the editor sought a mean revenge by heading the account of her Avedding—" Another Old Resident Gone." "If you want to be truly happy, my dear," said one lady to another, " you Avill have neither eyes nor cars when your husband comes home late from the club." "Yes, I knoAV," answered the other, wearily; " but, what am I to do Avith my nose?"

During a matrimonial dispute, the wife of an apothecary, as a last resort, tried to work on her husband's better feelings by bursting into tears. " AVhat's tho use of crying?" said he, " there's nothing to be made out of tours. I have tested them chemically, and find that they consist of au infinitesimal proportion of phosphate of lime, and a little chloride of soda, the rest is insipid, Avorthlcss water." " Mamma ! " exclaimed a beautiful girl, Avho had .suffered affectation to obsecure the little intellect she possessed, "' what is that long green thing lying ou the dish before you?" " A cucumber, my beloved Georgiana," replied the mamma, with a bland smile of approbation at her darling's commendable curiosity. " A cucumber? gracious goodness, my dear mamma, how very extraordinary! I always imagined, until this moment, that they grew iv slices."

Thero was a company of gentlemen engaged in a little game of poker in a "prominent gentleman's house one night lately. It grow late, and fears avcic expressed by the party that they Avero trespassing upon the kindness of the mistress of the house, who, by the way, Avas not present. "Not at all, gentlemen—not at all. Play as long as you please. lam Czar hero," said the master of the mansion. " Yes, gentlemen, play as long as you please," said a silvery voice, and all rose as the mistress of the house stood before them. "Pkry as long as you please, gentlemen ' But as it is nearly one o'clock, the Czar is going to bed!" Ho went.

Medical