FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3725, 23 June 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Every day proves the power of the press. The merchant who advertised for a boy yesterday, found a male baby on his stops last evening. Teacher—"Why, how stupid you aro to bo sure. Can't multiply eighty-eight by twenty-five ? I'll wager that Charles can do it in less than no time." Pupil—"l shouldn't be surprised. They say that fools multiply very rapidly nowadays." This is how Bridget makes herself as good us her mistress: Mistress (to applicant for cook's position): " Why did you leave your last place f'' Applicant: '' You're very inquisitive, marm. I didn't ax you what for yer last cook left you." An Israelite lady, sitting in the same box at an opera with a physician, was much troubled with ennui, and happened to gape. "Excuse mo, madam," said the doctor, "I am glad you did not swallow me," " Give yourself no uneasiness," replied the lady, '' I am a Jewess, and never eat pork.'' "What's your occupationF" asked a judge of a "drunk" that came up for inspection in the morning. '' I'm a calker, sir," was the reply. "A calker?" oxclaimed the Judge; " what an inapitude of language. I should say you were an uncorker. Give him sixty days." "That's a 'corker,'surely," was tho victim's retort. A little, girl recently went to visit hor grandfather in tho country. She is fond of milk, but firmly refused to drink any while thoro, without giving a reason. When she returned she was asked: "You had nice milk there to drink, didn't you ?" "I guess I didn't drink any of that milk," she indignantly replied. "Doj r ou know whero grandpa got it ? I saw him squeeze it out of an old cow." Puck, he of Now York, will get himself disliked. He suggests in a cartoon that tho way to bombard the factious Irish so as to paralyze them, would bo to attaclc them with a fusilado of carbolic acid, toilet soap, insect powder, fresh water, towels and Hcrubbing-brushes, Tho only troublo is that O'Donovan Rossa and dolts of that ilk will fail to understand the point, never having seen the missiles in question, or understanding their use.' "What is it that infatuates me I cannot tell," said a young dry-goods clerk to his widowod landlady tho other evening, after to had put up the shutters." "But you

seem so beautiful to-night, so unlike giddy maidens who are like frosted buds compared to the rich Autumn of your charms. Perhaps it is tho Spring, or the soft rains _ that wo have had, or the cloudless mornings, or—" "No, young man!" she said solemnly. "It is none of those. It's stale beer, and I can smell it on your breath." A lady had in her employ an excellent girl, who had one fault. "Her face was always in a smudge. Mrs tried to tell her to wash her face without offending her, and at last she resorted to strategy. '_' Do you know, Bridget," she remarked in a confidental manner, "it is said if you wash your face every day in hot soapy water it will make you beautiful?" "Will it?" answered the wily Bridget. " Sure it's a wonder ye never tried it, ma'am." "Have you brought any witnesses?" asked the Rev. Mr Wood, of Bathgate, of a middle aged coivplc who had come to bo married. "No, avo no'or thocht o' that. Is it necessar ?" " Oh, certainly,'' said the minister; "you should havo a groomsman and bridesmaid as witnesses." " Wha can we get, Jen, do you think?" The bride, so addressed, suggested a female cousin, whom tho bridegroom had not previously seen, and after consultation, a man was also thought of. " Step awa' alansr, Jen, an' ask them, an 'I'll walk aboot till ye comeback." Jen set out as desired, and after some time returned with two friends, the cousin being a blooming hiss somewhat younger than the bride. When the parties had been properly arranged, and the minister was about to proceed with the ceremony, the bridegroom suddenly said: "Wad ye bide a wee, sir ?" "O, Avhat is it now ?" asked the minister. "Weel, I was just gaun to say that if it waud bee the same to you, I would rather hae that ane "—pointing to the bridemaid. "A most extraordinary statement to make at this stage; I'm afraid its too late to talk of such a thing now." "Isit ?" said the bridegroom in a tone of calm resignation to the incviablc. " Weed, then, ye maun just gang on."