FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3719, 16 June 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Moving Spectacle—A diorama. In making will*, hoiuo arc lci'fc out and others arc left tin. Scene—Village School. Lady visitor (to a very dirty child) : " Jane, why don't you come with a clean face to school: - ' , Jane (after .soma hesitation): "Please, ma'am, luither caiuia spare me ony waft water, and kVio wuniir liac mo use hard for it cracks ma akin!" A youth, wishing , to know if his girl was true to him, persuaded some of his friends to start the report that he had committed Huicidc. He was satisiied that she didn't love him deeply when ho was informed that she said she always considered him a little soft. There is a charming frankness about the reply made by a New York boy to a police magistrate) before whom lie hail been arraigned. "When did you last wash your face r'' asked the jndye. '' Day before yesterday," promptly replied the boy. His honesty secured his discharge. "You arc on the wrong , tack." said the pilot's wife, when the hardy son of the loud-sounding sea sat down on it and arose ■with the usual exclamation. "No," lie replied after a critical examination. "I'm on tho right tack, but shoot me dead if I ain't on tho wrong end of it." "Arc you the judge of reprobates!-" said Mrs Partington, as she walked into an office of a judge of probate. "lam a judge of probate," was the reply. " Well, that's it, I expect," c moth tho old lady. "You see my father died detested and left several little infidels, and I want to be their executioner." Scene—Chemist's shop north of the Grampians. Chemist, to small boy who is tapping impatiently on counter with a halfpenny—"What you'll cam for for!-" Small boy—"Camphor." Chemist—" Cam for what?" Small boy—" Jist camphor." Chemist—" On, ay—camphor ! Couldn't she'll sliiisfc say she cam for camphor then 'r" —Bailie. Monk Lewis was a great favourite at Oatlands. One day after dinner, as the duchess was leaving the room, she whispered something in Lewis's ear. He was much uH'ccted, Iris eyes filling with tears, we asked him what was the matter. "Oh," replied Lewis, '' the duchess spoke so very kindly tonic!" "My dear felllow," said Colonel Armstrong "pray don't cry; I daresay she didn't mean it." A Paternal Rebuke.—Boy: " .Do put a cove on a different 'lay,' father: I'm tired o' this. I ain't sold a blessed set of studs ill I (his morning." Father: "No I should think not. Wot tl'j-or mean si-stimdinjj round at a corner like this, where nothing Init a sot of underpaid lawyers' clerics passes, as can't afford no linen, much less studs. You ain't got no soul for 'igh art business, nor a mind above a cat's meat barrer." An old woman, needing some silk and

some tape, sent her husband for them. The silk was shown, but the buyer thought the price too great. The olerk explained that that silk goods were dear, owing to some disease at this time prevalent among the silk worms. The tape was next examined, and husband thought that a little stiff asto price. " And indnde, sir, is there likewise a dczaso a prcvailin' among the tapeworms r" Conscientious Guard.- —" I'm afraid, sir, the young lady can't be pcrndtted to travel on a half ticket; she's much over twelve years of age." Irate papa: "Do you mean to inform me, sir, that my daughter and I are endeavoring to swindle the railroad company 'r Let me tell you, sir, that we've never been so grossly insulted on this lino before, although we've both travelled on it over fifteen years !" Metaphors arc ticklish weapons, and the injudicious use of one caused much merriment in the House of Commons. The speaker was an Irishman, a staunch opponent of Sunday Closing and_ of Permissive Bills, and personally a considerable benefactor to the Revenue. He was criticising the Irish Attorney-General's answer to Mr Parnell. " The facts," said the honorable member, " relied on by the Attorney - Geiicral are strange. His statement is a strong one. Now, Mr Speaker, I can swallow a good deal—(" Hear, hear !" " Quite true!"' "Begorra! you can," and roars of laughter)—l repeat, 1 can swallow a good deal—("Hear, hear!" and fresh volleys of laughter, as inattentive members learnt from their neighbors what it was all about) —but I can't swallow that."

It happened at a ball. A fashionable young liidy, who was very homely, was speaking to a female friend about a rich young fellow who was also at the ball, and who was considered quite a " catch." "He is such an intelligent and charming young man. He promised to dance the first dance with me, and he kept his promise like a gentleman," remarked the homely lady. '' Yes,'' responded her friend yawning, '' I heard him say that it was one of his rules of life, when ho had anything disagreeable to do, to take it in hand as soon as possible, and have done with it." Those two young ladies dv not speak now.