A LUCKY SPECULATION.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3717, 14 June 1883, Page 4

A LUCKY SPECULATION.

(By R. Halketfc Lord, in tho Theatre.) A black nor'-easter was working its wicked will in the harbor of Alexander— the capital towu of one of our colonies — i\s wo steamed into it on board tho Omeo in June, IS7I. Blinding rain poured pitilessly down. The whole of the magnificent sheet of water which forms the land-locked harbor was a seething mass of foam, and as we rounded the inner heads the roar of the surf on the Eritonga beach, which faces the entrance to tho harbor, was ominiously distinct. Under tho skilful guidance of our skipper, Jock Maclean, familiarly known on tho coast as Hell-fire Jock, wo felt our way to tho pier. I had been spending a long holiday in sight-seeing. What between Rotomahana and the Hot Lakes, Sydney, Melbourne, and Hobart Town, when I landed on the pier at Alexander I possessed three portmanteaus and seven shillings. However, I chartered a buggy and drove with all the confidence in the world—there is great virtue in portmanteaus— t<j the Empire Hotel, the Clurklgo's of Alexander.

Having done justice to an excellent dinner, I determined to hunt up an old press comrade, Frank Gilford, who I had hoard, was the editor of the Alexander Daily Post. The rain was coming down with tropical vengeance, and from all all numerous hills upon which tho " Empire City," as they call it, is situated, miniature torrents of water poured down ancl inundated the Tc Aro fiat, tho business portion of the town. It was an uninviting night, but the stimulus of an empty pocket overcame my repugnance to quit the cheerful halls of 'host Mouller. Luckily the offices of tho Post wero close handy, so I was not quite drowned by the time I was shaking Gilford by the hand.

He welcomed my advent in a reassuring manner, which eased my mind somewhat as to the inevitable mauvais quart d'heure. Wo had the usual shop talk. Fisher, of the Gulgong Advertiser, had died in a fit of delirium tremens ; Clarke, of the Argus, had been dismissed for sending in a glowing criticism of a theatrical performance which had not taken place; Holloway, of the Waikato Times, was editing the Tauranga Trumpet; Dillon had ratted and now sworu by Vogel, tho premier of the day; Jock Danderson had abandoned journalism, aud was keeping a publichouse ; and so forth. Then Master Frank dilated upon his own prospects. He had but two complaints to make : firstly, his proprietor was an old hunks ; secondly, liiß sub-editor was a young fool. " Subeditor !" said Frank. "He's excellent at the 'devouring element,' admirable at ' casting a gloom over the entire community,' and altogether unapproachablo when 'ho has to record the fact that ' our esteemed ancl enterprising fellow-townsmen, Jones and Robinson, have added to their emporium a now shop-front, which is a credit to tho town and quite an ornament to To Aro-streot ; but as to sub-editing he knows as much about it as Mount Cook docs of a policemau." Sympathising deeply with my friend— fori, too, had had bitter experiences of pasto-and-soissor-men —I suggested that, perhaps, on the wholo it wouldn't bo amiss if Mr Mosoly were sent about his business and I were installed in his chair. Frank jumped at tho idea, but explained that the " Boss " had an absurd Quixotic bolief in Mosoly because that eminent paste-pottist, though not a genius, was always sober A deep plot was thou concocted, whereby the Boss was to be got round and Mosely circumvented. As a part of this plan it was arranged that I should attend a performance to be given that evening at the Oddfellows' Hall by Professor Beda, who described himself as tho Premier Equilibrist Tight-ropo Walker of the World, and Champion Prestidigitatour of tho Universe. I was to return to the offico and write as excellent an account as I could. "You'll havo, in fact," said Frank, "to fake it." And I did

Tho rain was still pelting down as I struggled to tho Hall. The roads wero in places two foot deop in water. What with tho wind, tho rain, and tho darkness of the streets—thcro was no gas in Alexander in those days—l had considerable difficulty in getting to the place at all; but at last I reached it, presented my tickot to an attendant who glared at mo as savagely as a baulked boxkeopcr, and entered the room. The place was well-lighted, warm, and comfortable, aud was a pleasing contrast to the horrors of the night out-side. A _ de-jectod-looking pianist was playing a lively tune, and nil things wero ready for the feast. All tilings but ono— M>« -..rtdicuou. Tliere wasn't a soul in t-Jio place but myself ; and I was a dead-head. Seeing that it was now ball-past eight, aud that the performance should havo commenced at eight, this did nob look promising. However, my business was to report the show, so down 1 sat and read the programme through half-a-dozen times, dimly conscious ihe while that the piano was inorming me that" There was a good timo com in', boys, only wait a little longer." What with the music aud the lulling effect of the rain-drops pattering wich monotonous regularity on tho shingled roof, I feel asleep, and awoke to find tho dejected pianist thundering'out, "There is no luck about the house, there is no luck at all." I looked at my watch. Five minutes to nine, and I was .till the oldest inhabitant. There was to be nae luck that night—that was certain. I sat stolidly on. I was there to report that show, aud report it I was determined towhatever happened. Everything happens to him who waits.

This happened to me. Professor Beda, in a shabby suit of evening clothes, looking as though they were suffering from a long (ourse of being let out on hire, came before ihe curtain, aud, addressing the audience, said, "Sir." Tho novelty of tbe exordium aroused my attention, anil looking at the Professor closely, I recognised him. Professor Beda, the Premier Tight-rope dancer of the World, and Champion Prostidigilateur of the Universe, was no other than Harry Becker, who had been a private in my company of Forest Rangers during the war. "Sir," said ho, "I am sorry to sec so small an attendance here this evening. However, it is my boast that I never disappoint the public, and though I am afraid the proceeds of the evening's entertainment will barely pay expenses, nevertheless, with your kind' permission, the performance will now proceed." Aud it did proceed. As gravely and cheerily as though the hall had been crammed to suffocation, tho Professor went through his entertainment. He borrowed my watch and pounded it in a mortar ; he begged the loan of a half-crown—it was all I had iv the world, but I trusted him with it; he spirited my pocket handkerchief into tho centro of a candle, and performed a number of other tricks with ease ancl dexterity. All his littlo jokes aud funniments, all the antics o( his assistant, Sprightly lie was culled in the programme, were punctually gone through, and a very fair show it was—for the Colonies. When lie came to, "This concludes the first portion of the entertainment, thero will now be an intermission of ten minutes," I could stand it no longer. The melancholy pianist was announced to sing a comic song, which, perhaps, precipitated my decision. I asked him to tell Professor Beda that the audience would be glad to speak to him for a minute or two. I " weufc round."

"I am glad to see you, sir," said the Professor; "pray be seated, may I offer you a little whisky and water . ' He might. " You are a gentleman of the press, sir, I understand V Yes. I represented tho Post, and was there to do his show. "I thought, sir, I would give you a specimen of what I can do, and if you'd liko it I am quite prepared to go through the whole eutertainment." I explained that thero was no occasion for that, because I could write about it quite as well without seeing it—perhaps better. If " gentlemen of the press " were to confine themselves to what they see, tho business would soon go to tho dogs. AYe had some whisky and water, and tho Profossor began to talk less formally " Well, sir, they told md me, down South, Alexander was one of tbe best pitches in tho profession. It don't look much like it. Seems to me about the oue-horsedost place ever I was in, except Naipaw, and that ain't even a one-donkey place. Not a sold in the houso but you, sir, and this hero blessed show has cost mo out of pocket five pound ten. Paid in advance, too. A couple o' pound for tho hall and the lights; a pound fpr tho pianner; a couple o' pound for fixing up the rope; and ten bob for a money-taker. Think of that, sir. Am't it hard? Ain't it cruel? Ten bob for a mouoy-taker!" That did seem hard indeed ; but I explained that I thought that shows usually took especial enre to have a money-taker of

"So they do, sir, and so do I. My wife takes the money always ; always has done over since I took to the business, but my luck's dead out. She's up at Britten's—you know, sir, the hotel—in bed with a smashed foot. Some clumsy fool ou the ' Star of the South,' as we were coming here from the south, lots a great 2iacking-ca.se fall right on her foot and smashes her. The doctor says sh'll be a fortnight or bettor. Ten bob for a moncv-faker; if it ain't the crullest thing as ever I hear ! And then the rain. Did anybody ever see it rain like it? It's been a coming down, down, down, like this for three blessed days. Not a soul in the house. Ten bob for a money-taker ! Help yourself, sir." I suggested that he might have better luck the next night, and corroborated the. opinion he had heard down south that Alexander was an excellent place as a rule for performances of all kinds. " No. sir. The luck's out, and I'm about broke, that's what I am, and I ain't got tho money; there's tho hall, they will have it advance; there's the pianner, they wants that in advance ; and there's the advertisements, not a line '11 they give me till I've paid for to-day's ads—not a fine, not the Post, nor the Independent, nor none of 'em. 'Advance New Zealand.' That's their motto, is it ? Pay in advance, it ought to be. Ten bob for a money-taker !"

Then a brilliant idea occurred to me. The Professor was stone broke, so was I. I know what the Professor did not, apparently, that these black nor' casters at Alexander never lasted more than three days. In all probability the next day would be bright and lovely, cold and sunshiny. If so, tho sloppy roads would in a few hours be hard, firm, ancl dry, for the soil is limestone. I knew how prone the peole of all conditions wero to shows. The money for the hall and the " pianner " I could borrow from G iff ord ; tho ads. I could manage with a little persuasion, not unmixed with check ; and as to the money-taker, I'd be my oavii, so that "ten bob" and mortification attaching thereto would be saved. Happy thought! I'd risk it.

"Professor Beda," said I, "otherwise Harry Becker"—he gave a start—"yes, you were in my company of the Forest Rangers. I've grown a beard since, and altered a good deal, no doubt. Now, Professor, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll pay for the hall, and the ' pianner,' and the ads. to-morrow. You do your entertainment. I'll take the money, and after ten pounds will share the receipts." "I should never have known you, sir, with that beard. The old Forest Rangers ! Do you remember Capt. Ross being shot alongside me and you, sir, at Waipa ! How ho did bleed ! I should never have known you sir. Well, sir, I'll tell you what it is, it ain't no risk to me, and I'll do it. I can't be no worse off than I am. How I'm to leave the to wn and pay the hotel and the doctor, and passage-money on to Tauranga, blessed if I know. ['11 do it, sir. Shake hands on it. It's a bargain, Mo and you divides after ten pound." We cemented that arrangement with another whisky, and away I posted to the office of the Post. The venture looked unpromising enough. The ram was still sluicing down with purposeful pertinacity. I half repented of my bargaiu. But the bond was as binding-as though it had been signed, sealed, and delivered, and witnessed by all the attornies on the rolls. So I sloshed my way to the office of tho Post knee-deep in mud aud water.

The "Boss" had not turned up, and was, in fact, on one of his "bursts," as certain fits of temporary aberration are called in tho colony. I propounded the matter to Gifford. He was more cautious than to me appeared good. But I wooed him with my golden tongue, not only out of the harmless necessary fiver, but out of a letter to tho other papers guaranteeing the money for the next day's ads. "How about tho show?" said Gifford. " Magnificent! You wait and see what I write about it when I return." And away I went to tho Independant and the Herald, polished up the Professor's ads., and as no report had been dono at either place, I wrote as puffing a paragraph as I thought thoy would stand for each paper, and then hurried back to the Post to concoct as flaming an account as I could contrive ; and I think I may say that it was strong ; I may even venture to go further, and to say that it was about as gloAving as such notices can bo made. Repeated applications to Rogct's Thesaurus wero necessary. Gifford, who was reading my slips as 1 finished them, objected onco or twice. "Come, I say, this is too hot. The old man'll have a /It." The old man was the " Bona."

"AVell, from what you tell me," I replied, "he's likely to have one anyhow, so it won't matter." Had the Professor been Houdin, Holler, the Wizard of the North, and Hcrr Frikell combined, I couldn't have been more lavish of my admiration. It is usual to conclude this kind of article with some notice of the audience present, and here, for a minute or two, I was fairly nonplussed. But the old story occurred to mo of the audience of one at the Portsmouth Theatre. The performance was proceeding merrily when the manager missed the audience ; hurrying to the front, he asked, anxiously, " AVhere, where is the audience?" " Sir," said the book-keeper, '' he has gone to get some beer, but ho is delighted with the performance, and says he'll be back in a minute." " Let business proceed," said tho manager. And it did proceed. Why, I do not know, but this story suggested to me a way out of the difficulty 1 was in. I concluded with the following peroration—"Altogether, Professor Beda's entertainment is one of the most admirable and entertaining that has evor visited Alexander or the colonies. At its conclusion, the entire audience rose as one man and applauded the professor to the echo." It must indeed have been "to the echo." Gifford was nervous about the article, but, as I pointed out to him, no one could possibly contradict a word that I had written, and ultimately my notice, which extended over a column and a quarter, was allowed to pass holus bolus. The rain had ceased when I returned, at three in tho morning, to the hotel. Half-a-dozen times before daybread I was out of bed inspecting tho weather. No rain, the clouds had cleared olf, aud at five o'clock tho stars were shining. A cold bright morning succeeded. At breakfast I heard people asking, " AVere you at the hall last nightr" "No; were you ?" At luncheon the Mayor of the city said, "It'san odd thing, I've asked every one I've seen to-day about that pcrformaneo at the Oddfellows' Hill, aud not a soul seems to have been there," and I inwardly thanked Mr Mayor for an excellent advertisement. The Professor and tbe other persons concerned held their tongues. I had to make it worth their while to do so. "Ten bob for a money-taker," developed into a promise of a sovereign if the show paid. And pay it did. The seat-plan at Lyon's the booksellers was well spotted with names by live o'clock. It was an off-day at tho House of Representatives, it was the height of the Alexander season, and the evening turned out ono of those brilliant, cold, starlight nights that New Zealand alone can produce. The doors were opened at halfpast seven, and I ensconced myself, wearing a pair of green spectacles, in tho pay-place. The melancholy musician struck up a lively tune, and at 17 minutes to 8, the first shilling for a back seat, came in. I have it now. Luckily, shillings aud half-crowns came in plentiful at first, for had any one tendorcd a sovereign and wanted change, I should have been considerably embarrassed.

By-and-by the front seats, live shillings, began to pour in, and up to a quarter-past eight I was taking the money as fast as I could receive it. The' show was a great success—to us. What tho audienco thought of it I don't know. Ido know that the Professor and I divided £53 12s Od. The plot succeeded, tho "Boss" was malleable, Mesely became " our reporter," and I was for two years sub-editor of the Alexander Daily Post.