FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3707, 2 June 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Young HousoAvife: "What miserable littlo eggs again ! You really must tell them, Jane, to let the hens sit on them a little longer." What aie the best stories ? That depends —Avhen you are telling them, the long ones are ; Avhen you are listening, the short ones. Professor: "Mr V., for what Avas the war with Pyrrhus remarkable:"—Mr \., " I think that it Avas the first time that the Romans ever saw the elephant."

Never judge a mau's character by the umbrella ho carries. The probability is that it is not his own.

A little boy was asked tho other day if he knew Avhere the Avicked went to. His answer Avas: "They practice hiAV a while, and then go to the legislature." A littlo boy whose sprained Avrist had been relieved by bathiug it Avith Avhisky, surprised his mother by asking:—"Did papa sprain his throat Avheuhe was a boy •'" Hopeless. —Mate: '' This beeer is beastly bad to-night." Inveterate: "Bcas'ly bad P Watcher means P No beer's bad ; somo is better nor others, but I never tasted none as was bad."

A small boy went to see his grandmother. After looking eagerly round the handsomely furnished room Avhcrc he sat, he exclaimed, inquiringly, " Oh, grandma, Avhere is the miserable table papa says you keep r"

Grocer, avlio lias lately joined the Volunteers, practising in his shop, "Right, left, right, left. Four jwiees to the rear, march !" falls doAvn trap-door into the cellar. Grocer's wife, (anxiously), " Oh, Jim, aro you hurt?" Grocer, (savagely, but with dignity), "Go away woman, Avhat do you know about war?"

There is a good story told of the late Barou Solomon de Rothshiuld of the Vienna House. His son, avlio greatly patronised cabs, was in the habit of giving the drivers about live times the .Amount to which they were entitled. One day Baron Solomon hired a cab and tendered the legal fare. "Much obliged," said cabby; "but your son gives us three, four, five, and even six times as much." "Ah," said tho Baron, " he has a rich father; I haven't !"

A young physician avlio had long avoi- - shippod at a distance, Avas one day suddenly called to attend her. He found her suffering from no particularly dangerous malady, but sho wanted him to prescribe for her, nevertheless ; so the doctor took her baud, and said impressively: "Well, I should prescribe—l should prescribe that—you— get—married." "O, goodness," said the interesting invalid ; who would marry me, I Avonderr" "I Avould," snapped the doctor with till the voracity of a six-foot pickerel. "You?" exclaimed the maiden. "Yes." "Well doctor, if that is the fearful alternative you can go away and let me die in peace."