FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3701, 26 May 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

The chivalrous man Avill ucA-er do a mean act to a mule behind his back. It isn't safe. The patent chicken incubatorshavc throAvn hens out of a great deal of on-ncst employment. Latin is a " dead language " —specially Avhen an inexperienced dru_- clerk fools with it. At the height of tho season, a queen belays 3,000 eggs iv 21 hours. Now, an adventurous Yankee is trying to graft a queen bee on a hen. "There's money in it." The remains of a man have been dug out of the ruins of Pompeii, with both hands resting on his .stomach. The building in Avhieh he Avas found is supposed to have been a cheap restaurant. Tennyson smokes American navy plug tobacco. Aud avc suppose—avo haven't seen it in print, but we just infer-that Mrs Tennyson sleeps Avith a clothes-pin on her nose. AVhenevor you see a. Avoman talking straight at a man and beginning to nod her head and keep time to it Avith her upraised finger, it is about time for somebody to climb a tree. Some observant genius has calculated that in the United States there is ono cow to every four people. It is believed that the same ratio exists in fashionable society, there being one calf to evory young man. "Take that right awa}-," said the young man to the waiter, as he pointed to a saucer of whipped cream which had been brought for his straAvborri.es ; "I did not conic here to get shaved." "AVhat becomes of our bodies r" asks a soft-eyed scientist, and avc answer iv stentorian tones that they get inside of a red flannel undershirt as the maple turns to crimson and sassafras to gold. A Londoner ono day by accident saw the sun. "'Evens," said he, 'ow they 'aA'c himproved that there 'lectric light." After a moment's pause, during- Avhich ho gazed on the novel sight, ho added reflectiA'ely : "But 'ow iv thunder did they get'm up so "igh r" A Wisconsin court has convicted a man for stealing a manuscript poem, and sentenced him to the penitentiary for one year. Unless he threatened to publish it, the sentence seems rather severe. If he had stolen a prose article no doubt ho would have got ten years. In an Indiana town, last week, a coirvcrt Avas baptised through the ice Avith the atmosphere at fifteen degrees below zero. And it Avas mighty lucky, too, for his future happiness" that he Avas baptised so promptly. That same night he Avas taken Avith inflammation of the lungs and died the next day. Tho man avlio tried to explain aAvay his chicken-stealing- experience by saying that he avus a member of the humane society, and felt it his duty to thin out the ovcrcroAvded hen-coops for the sake of giving them better ventilation, has his board paid for ninety days by an appreciative community. Nobody's talents need go to seed in this country. A little work published in England is entitled "Thirty-five AVays of Popping the Question!" Good gracious ! Itmak-js tho perspiration run down a young man's back to pop the question only one Avay, and if he had to undergo the ordeal of thirty-four additional pops, thero wouldn't bo much more than a grease spot of him left. A Avoman avlio had acted as a small carrier in ;i country district in Scotland lost, her "cudclie" by death. The old Avoman was in a bad Avay about her loss. One Sunday she suddenly left the parish church. The minister, calling iv a day or so on, remarked, "I noticed, Mrs Jones, you left the church on Sunday. AVas anything Avrong'r" "Wool minister, I Avas mv ih affected, ye see, Avhen ye Avarmcd up to your subject and got to tho height of your ar_'uuicnt, your voice reminded me that much of my puir avcp dead " cudclie." It Avas just before tho curtain had gone up for the third act Avhen Smith, Avho had been out lo "see a man," noticed Brown seated a few rows in front of him. "Do you sco that fellow over there?" he said to his wife. She nodded assent. ""Well," he continued. " I hate him like a. cat hates hot soup, and if ever I get a chance I'll paral3-.se him." Then his Avife asked: "Arc 3*oll going to see another man after this act!'" Smith liiccougliingiy albAvcd that he was. "AVcll, I tell you Avhat to do, dear: Avhen 3-0U come back you go over to Mr Brown aud breathe on him; that Avill paralyse him."