SPOOPENDYKE AT THE TELEPHONE.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3669, 18 April 1883, Page 4

SPOOPENDYKE AT THE TELEPHONE.

" Noav, my dear," said Air Spoopendyke, standing before the telephone and preparing to explain the mysteries and advantages to his Avife. '* Now, my dear, this is going to prove the most c< .n-enieiit thing avc ever had in the house. AVhen I Avant to talk to anyone, I just turn this crank and say : " Hello, hello 1 " and 1 tell her avlio I Avaut, and she calls him up. Now, I'll ask for Air Speckle-' Avottle," and Arr Spoopendyke turned the crank, utterly forgetting to press the button that makes the connection.

" AVhat does he say r asked Airs SpoopeudA'ke, cocking her head to one side, as a AA*omau ahvays does Avhen her husband is trying to listen.

"He don't say anything yet," growled Air Spoopendyke. "lie ain't, like you. He waits until he has got something important on his mind, and then he says it. Hello, hello ! " roared Air Spoopendyke, giving the crank a vicious tAvist aud glaring into thecnunoiator Avith a vindictive look. "Noav, you keep that mouth of yours tied iq'<, or you're liable to lose it some day !" with which doleful prognostication Air Spoopendyke rattled away at the crank, and iiAvaitcd some sign of life at the other end.

'• 1 suppu". it is really that girl's fault," murmured Air.- Spoopendyke, . nitting at the instrument as though she smcllcd the young lady from afar, and found her no better than she ought to be. "I don't suppose she's there at all. Alo re likely she's gadding around sonieAvhere."

** AVhat'd ye.Avant to talk justlhen for: " hoAvlcd AH: Spoopendyke. '" : What's your measly object in breaking* out Avith the conversational small-pox at that critical juncture r Don't you Icuoav she Avas just beginning to talk, and you made me lose her!" I tell you one thing," added Air Spoopendyke. Avith impressive solemnity, "If you don't shut your mouth once in a while, the moths AA-ill get in there and make A'ou trouble."

*'If she'd only commenced to talk, you haven't lost her," replied Airs Spoopendyke, Avrinkling her nose. "You'll have no trouble Avith her if she's got started."

"Hello, hello: call up Air SpeckleAvottel '," baAvled Air Spoopendyke, apparently en(\inced by his AvitVs manner or Ids own experience. "There, she's gone. No use for me to try anything Avhen you're around. Another time I want to talk through a telephone I'll take it oaxt in a A-a.cant lot ! Do you Icuoav of anything that Avill keep you quiet for a moment'r 1 ' demanded Ah" Spoopendyko. his Avrath rising as he contemplated his ill usage. "Newer mind the expense. Just nam. the article ! AVhy didn't you tell me, when you referred me to your measly old <t_, r?iat 1 Avas pro]iosing niarriago to a dod gasted steam dictionary r"

"Say, dear, can I talk through it r" cooed Airs Spoopendyke, anxious to disarm her husband.

'• Is there anything you can't talk

through r" squealed Air Spoopendyke, beginning to realise that tin.'re Avas something about the telephone that he did not thoroughly understand. "AVhen E get a teleph-nie I'll* you, the diaphragm .ill be of double aud twisted Avronght steel Ayith railroad tracks for Avires, and I don't believe that Avill last nior'ii an hour and a half r Hello, hello-o-o ! Avake up and call up SpecklcAvottle, dod gast ey . and Mr Spoopendyko rattled away at the crank until his arm ached.

"Be patient, dear. A. i said she'd gone, aud it's a long- way around to Air Speckleavol tie's house. Perhaps he isn't home, and she's waiting for him."

" That's the Avay it Avorks, eh !'" shrieked Air Spoopendyke, glaring at his wife. "It took you to get hold of it ; AVhen I call that girl she goes home to dinner, and along* in the OA'oning she goes around to SpcoklcAvotlle's house and brings him here iv a hack.' That your idea of it 'i Or, p'raps youVe g-ot senile sort of a notion that sh. runs the Avire through Speeklewottle, tui*-_s on the current and slams him right up. here through the side of the house 'r Tin,_ your idea r AVell, she don't, and she don''t break her back trying to make a dod gasted idiot of herself, like some women "'

" I think I understand lioav it Avorks," faltered Airs Spoopendyke.. "You say, ' YoIIoay", yelloAv.' "

"There's the <-ombimttion .'"' yelled _r Spoo])endyke. *'• You got your Avork in that time ! AVhy didn't you tell me I was bringing this thing home to the inventor? AVhat'd you Avant to let me stand up here and* explain this thing to the only comprehensive brain that ever tackled it for ': You've got it! AVith Avhat you know now aud Avhat you've got to find out, you- only need a Avig and a law suit to be the whole science of electricity. I toll ye- tlds is the Avay it works!" and. Mr Spoopendyke brought; the box a, kick that splintered it. " See it work r" he demanded, pulling at the wires until they cut his hands. " AVatch it, AA'hile 1 coiiA-ey your regards to the other lunatics!" and he danced on the remnants of the instrument, and smashed tlie fragments against the wall.

"Nevermind, dear," remonstrated AErs S.py-ppciy. yke. sputtering around after him and trying to soothe him. '' AVhen Aye Avant Air Speeklewottle again avo'll just scud a serA-ant around after hini. That'll be much nicer than trusting to a nasty wire, and I know there avus a draught through that box for I. could feel it as soon as it came in the room."

"Oh, you could feel it!" roared Air Spoopendyke, rather Avouderiug lioav he Avas going to account to the company for the destruction of his box. "If I had your sensitiveness and an onion, I'd hire out a*, a dod gasted orchid.'" and Avith tVJVculmiiiating sarcasm. Air SpoopesYi-vko crushed his hat over his cars, and .us-hed around to Air Specklewottle'.s i<\ _l ... Avhat had better be done about the n«*._.*.

"I don't care," murniurc',._irsSpoo!_idyke, as she flopped doAV?.., qn. the fitxx* to pick up the jiicces of th; . wrecked- telephone box: "he'll not h;'.,e sin opporttuiity for standing iq> ]iere .jjifl; tjdki'ng t. ttiat girl until his legs :vc.tired;"-and Avith this sage expression rit; In. r,. satisfaction over the result of the experiment, Air.-- Spoopendyko broke off tip.ends of the- bent Avires, and laid, them away to crimp her hair on.