FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3620, 17 February 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Never known to get tired—Outstanding debts. Not suitable for a clothes line —A cord of wood. Bound to make a man cross—Getting to the other side of the street. Landlubbers " double the horn " of tenor than sailors do, and yet the latter come up groggy. When a man chooses a mate she frequently turns out to be the master. " Life's a riddle," says a Western paper. Yes, lots of people give it up every day. Cardinal Newman says that a gentleman is one who never iuficts pain ; then no dentist can be a gentleman. A woman who waits for her husband to return from the lodge has an object in view, and more than likely another in hand. The wrong men always get rich. It is the fellow without money who is always telling you how much good he woidd do with it. They say the first question asked by a deacon visiting Egypt was: " Now what were tho real fa eta of thy Potiphar scandal-" The astounding statement is made that there are only Jive professional dog-thieves in all the great city of New York. A more marked instance oft he neglect of a great industry, is not on record. Two Montana men, while sinking a mine, broke into a subterranean cavern filled with skeletons. From the number of deadheads in the pit it must have been an old theatre. The guests have dined and the host hands round a case of cigars. " I don't smoko myself," ho says, but you will find them good—my barman steals more of them than any hand I ever had. The new Bedford man who fainted away out in Montana was brought out of tho fit by placing n dead fish to his nose. As he slowly began to revive, he murmured; " How good. It smells just like home." They were discussing an elopement, und one lady, turning to her friend, said : " Don't you believe it would kill you if your husband was to riui away with another woman r" "It might," was the cool reply. " Great joy sometimes kills." Julia Ward Howe says that "the financial incompetence of men in general is becoming even- day more evident to the world at large." It is especially evident in the morning when their wives have " gone through " their pockets over night. When you see a prominent citizen, a bright and shining light in society, and an energetic man of business, and all that sort ot thing, pause in the middle of a sidewalk and gaze about him with a glassy L>ok in his eye, you needn't think of apoplexy and paralyis. He is simply trying to remember an errand his wife told him tcTdo. A very old lady on her death bed, in penitential mood, said: "I have been a great .sinner more than eighty years, and didn't know it." An old colored woman, who had lived with her a long , timo, exclaimed, " Laws, I knowed it all the timo." The deacon's son wa3 telling tho minister about tho bees stinging his pa, and the minister inquired : '' Stung your pa, did

they? Well, what did your pa say?" "Step this way a moment," said the boy ; " I'd rather whisper it to you." The following, which shows how the " doctrine " is instilled into people, is from the Medical Times :—Visitor: " Your boy looks very bad, "Mrs Jones. What is the matter! ; " Mrs Jones : "Yes, ma'am, he be very bad ; and what's more, the doctor has made him worse. I'm sure we poor people ought to pray with all our heart— ' From all false doctrin, good Lord, deliver us.' I never saw its meaning afore." '' What other business do you follow besides preaching?" was asked of an old colored man. "I speculates a little." "How speculate?" "Sells chickens." "Where do you get the chickens ?" "My boys fetch'em in." " Where do they get them?" "Idoan know, sah. I'se alers .so busy wid my preachin' dat I ain't got time to ax. I "was a gwyne tar enquire de udder day, but a 'vival come on an' tuck up allmv time."