FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3608, 3 February 1883, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

AVhen is a Avail like fish'r AVhen it is scaled. AVith what net is a young lady soonest caught'r A coronet. Pugilists strip for a fight, and then present each other Avith heavy (w)raps. Young men should be careful about dropping remarks. They might be picked up by a bigger man. A man never yet caught a fish as big as the one that got aAvay from the hook just as it Avas being landed. Irish Diver—" Shure, that's the customhouse, son*. But it's only the rare ay it you'll be seeing this side, son*. The front's behind." "Generous 1o a fault" may be said of many men. At least they are generous enough to their own faults. George AVashiugton never told a lie : but it must be remembered that he entered politics Avhen America was very new. " Can you get people out safely iv case of fire. "Theatrical Manager—"Haven't had time to think of that; getting 'cm in is Avhat interests mc." AVhen a child cannot answer a question, he never says, " Oh, don't bother me now; I'm busy." Only children of a larger growth deal in such subterfuges. The Czar thinks he is very brave because he drives about openly with his wife. AVhy, there are men in this country avlio are not afraid to drive about openly Avith some one else's Avife. Magistrate: "AVho brought you here r" Prisoner at the bar: "Two policemen ycr AVorship." Magistrate: "Drunk, I suppose r" Prisoner: " Yes, yer worship, both of them." The Melbourne Benevolent Asylum borrows from the bank its own reserve fund at a rate of interest 2 per cent higher than it receives. The committee are too intent ou quarrelling with each other to pay attention to such small matters of finance. AA r e know a young man who read an advertisement stating that if he called at a certain solicitor's office he would hear something to his advantage. He called, and was promptly served with a writ. A'et they say that modem life is dull and monotonous, and has no cheery surprises. Fat (to Clerk; : " Suit '. T siut ten shillings to me brother through the post, an' he tills mo "■—(funung)—"he niver got't!" Cleric (calmly): '' At what office did you get the Order. Pat: "Shure, then* it was to yoursilf I gave the money, an' be j jabcrs I've got yer receipt i'or't!" (Pro- j

duces Money Order in a fury). '' Look at that, now!" A youth of Hibernian extraction, m chopping wood with a hatchet the other day, was'so unfortunate as to graze the thumb of his left hand, Avith which he Avas steadying the piece of kindling he Avas splitting. Ruefully gazing at the injured member, he remarked, " Bcgorra, it Avas a good thing I did not have hold of the handle with both hands, or I'dcutthewhoL-thumb off, sure."