FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3575, 23 December 1882, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

Man's Vappiness is said to hang on a thread. This must be the thread that is never at hand to sew on the shirt-button that is always off. Remark by an Irish member of Parliament :—" So long as Ireland was silent tinder her wrongs, England was deaf to her cries.'* Lauchie : " Fat sort o' a minister his she gotten, Geordie ?" Geordie ; " Weel, he's no. rnuckle worth; we seldom see him. Sax days o' the week he's invisible, an' on the seventh he's incomprehensible." iEsthetic wife (sobbing) : "Dearest, I'll see that your grave is kept; green, but none of those horrid bright greens. A nice olive grey-green, with an old bronzed tombstone, will look too awfully lovely for anything." When a father chastises his unruly son with a stout switch he thinks he has done a smart thing. The boy, as he rubs the sore place, thinks so, too. " I think the goose &»s the advantage of you," said the landlady to an inexpert boarder who was carving. " Guess he has, mum—in age," was-the quick retort. An English fesewer, observing one of bismen wearing, the total abstinence blue ribbon, suggested that it seemed somewhat inconsisis&nt with his line of business. " We®, sir," he said, " you see, ife makes folks like to tempt me, and then I axweumbs."

Unsophisticated boy— , ' Mamma, papa is getting very rich, isn't he ?'* Mamma—" I don't know ; why, my child' ?■" Unsophisticated boy—" Cause hi> gives me so much money. Almost evsvj morning after breakfast, -when Sally » sweeping the parlor, he gives me sixpesfcee-to go out to play." Sally received shosfc notice to quit. Somewbsw) in the West a sable kmghfc of the and the brush was performing the operation of shaving a hooeier, who cried ' tbflji won't do." ' What's de matter,, boss ?' 'The razor pulls.' 'Well, bo. matter foh dot, sah. If de handle of. de- razah don't break de beard am bound to> come off, sho.' A workman who brasghJi a book showing how to live on fifteen-sent dinners and followed its advice unAs;he.got so weak from the diet that lie lost* his jriaee, and has been out of work, has, sued the author of the book for damages. If this thing keeps on, book-writer* will have to cultivate that habitual regard for tho truth which distinguishes newspapers paragraphers. Ai\eccentric old gentleman who had married his second wife, a hoidenisb. young creature, entertained a party of gentleman on© afternoon, and was much chagrined by the non-appearance oS his girlish spouse. Upon enquiry he ascertained that she was in the garden, and thereupon invited his guests to be introduced to> her. As they rose to accept the invitation, his son a lad of fourteen exclaimed: : "Don't do it dad!" " Why not ?" he asked angrily. " Because," returnedfehe boy, half apologetically, " shoV up a ehavrj. tseo."