FUNNIOSITIES.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3516, 14 October 1882, Page 4

FUNNIOSITIES.

' A chiel among ye takin* notes ':—The pickpocket.

A cablegram says : —' The bulk of the Zulu warriors, having married, desire peace.' Just the same with the Zulus as other folks.

A fifteen year old Detroit boy killed a man because he made life a bore to him. If editors acted on that principle the coroner wouldn't get time to sleep.

'Ef de descendants of de rooster what crowed at Peter war to make a noise ebery time a lie is tole, dar would be such a noise in de world dat yer couldn't heah de hens cackle.'

A quarrelsome couple were discussing the subject of epitaphs on tombstones, and the husband said : ' My dear, what kind of a stone do you suppose they will give me when I die ?' ' Brimstone, my love !' was the affectionate reply. A young man married against the wishes of his parents, and in telling a friend how. to break the news to them said : ' lell them first that I am dead, and gently work up to the climax.'

A loquacious blockhead, after babbling some time to Sheridan, said : ' Sir, I fear 1 have been intruding on your attention ?' ' No, no,' replied Sheridan, ' I have not been listening.'

Considerate : Mistress (oa coming home from tho seaside)—' Why,, Jane, what's become of the bulfinch ?■* Jane—' V\ ell, you see, mm, it didn't say much and looked droppin' like, so cook put it out of its misery, an' I 'ad it stuffed for my 'at.' It is said that Mark Twain pretonded to care very little about his first baby, but when his wife discovered bim one day making xery much of it, she said : ' Confess, now, that you do love tho baby.' Mark replied, ' I won't clo that, but 1 confess that 1 respect the little thing for its father's sake.'

A fathei?;. in. consoling his daughter who had lost her husband, said : ' I don't wonder you. grieve for him my child ; you will never find his equal.' ' 1 don't know as I can,' responded tho sobbing widow, 'but I'll do my best!' '1 ho father felt comfortedA New Fairfield man who failed to,get a thirty cent pineapple for a quarter- oE a dollar, wanted to know whether we> were breathing the pure air of freedom, or being strangled with tho fetid breath of; a hellish despotism ?' '1 ho storekeeper- said those were the only pineapples ho had; Excited wife (to her husband) : Do you not admit that woman has a mission ? Cool husband : ' Yes, my dear, she has—sub-mis-sion.' Great confusion in, the domestic circle, and the husband calls on the fami[y surgcor. for a plaster for his head, ' wounded by accidentally hitting it against the edge of an open door.'

Kinder close, is she ? Why, last month her husband died—and I'm blamod if she didn't take tho door plate off the front door, bad the age added, and then nailed it on tbe coffin. Said she guessed likely she'd bo wanting a new name on qho door soon, anyway.

A young lady in Pennsylvania, at an evening party, found it apropos to use tbe expression, ' Jordan is a bard road to travel;' but, thinking that too vulgar, substituted the following : ' Perambulating progression in pedestrian excursion along a far-famed thoioughfnre of fortune cast up by the banks of the sparkling river of Palestine is indeed, attended with heterogenous conglomeration of unforeseen difficulties.'