MR SPOOPENDYKE.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3241, 19 November 1881, Page 4

MR SPOOPENDYKE.

He Determines to go Hunting, and

Borrows a Gttn,

( Say, my dear,' said Mr Spoopendyke, as he drew a gun from the case and eyed it critically. ' I want you to wake me up early in the morning, I'm going out shooting.' 'Isn't that too sweet,' ejaculated Mr 3 Spoopendyke. ' I'll wear my new dress and my Saratoga waves. Where do we go ?' ' I'm going down on the island, and yoxi'll probably go as far as the front door, , grunted Mr Spoopendyke. Women don't go shooting. It's only men. All you've got to do is to wake me me up and get breakfast. When I come home, we'll have some birds. ' Won't that be nice, chimed Mrs Spoopendyke. ' Can you catch birds with that thing ?' and Mrs Spoopendyke fluttered around the improved bi*eech-loading shotgun, firmly impressed with the idea that it was some kind of a trap. ' I can kill 'em with this,' exclaimed Mr Spoopendyke. ' This is a gun, my dear. It isn't a nest with three specklod eggs in it, nor is it a barn with a hole in the roof. You stick the cartridge in here, and pull this finger-piece, and down comes your bird every time. , ' Well, isn't that the greatest thing ! I suppose if you don't want a partridge, you can* stick a duck or a turkey in that end, too, or a fish or a lobster, and bring it down just as quick. , " Yes, or you can stick a house, or a cornfield, or a dod gasted female idiot in there, too if you want to! " snorted Mr Spoopendyke. " Who said anything about a partridge ? It's a cartridge that goes in there ! " "Oh ! " ejaculated Mrs Spoopendyke, rather crestfallen. " I see now. Where does the bird go ? " •' He goes to night-school, if he hasn't got any more sense than you have," snorted Mr. Spoopendyke. "Look here, now, and I'll show you how it work," and Mr Spoopendyke, whose ideas of a gun were about as vague as those of his wife, inserted the cartridge half way in qhe muzzle end, and cautiously cocked the weapon. " And when the bird sees that, he comes and pecks at it ! Isn't that the funniest!_" and Mrs Spoopendyke clasped her hands in the enjoyment of her discovery. " Then you put out your hand and catch him ! " " You've struck it howled Mr Spoopendyke, who had the hammer on the half cock, and was vainly pulling at the trigger to get it down. " That's the idea! All you need is four feathers and a gas bill to be a martingale ! Witli your notions, you only want a new stock and a steam trip hammer to be a needle gun ! Don't you know tbe dod gasted thing has got to go off before you get a bird! You shoot the birds, you don't wait for 'em to shoot you ! " 'At home, wo used to always' chop their head 3 off with an axe,' faltered Mrs Spoopendyke. ' So would I, if I was going after measly old hens,' retorted Mr Spoopendyke, who had managed to uncock the contrivance," but when I go for yellow birds and sparrows, I go like a sportsman. While I'm waiting for a bircV continued Mr Spoopendyke. " I put the load in here for safety. And when I see a flock I aim and fire.' Bang! went the 'gun, knocking the tail feathers out of an eight-day clock * and ploughing a foot furrow in the wall, perforating the closet door and culminating in Mr Spoopendyke's plug hat. ' Goodness, Gracious!' squeaked Mrs Spoopendyke. 'Oh, my!' ' Mr Spoopendyke gathered himself up and contemplated the damage. ' Why could'nt ye keep still!' he shrieked, ' What'd ye want to disturb my aim for and make me let it off ? Think I can hold back a chargo of powder and a pound of shot while a measly woman is scaring it through a gun barrel ?' ' If that had been a bird, how nicely you ■would have shot it!' suggested Mrs Spoo-

pendyke, soothingly. elf you should ever aim at a bjrd, you'd catch him, sure !' 'Oh ! you know what I could do ! With your information about gunnery yon only need a wad in your motith and a kick like a mule to be amountain howitzer ! If I had your intelligence on sporting subjects, I'd hire out for a shot tower ! Don't you know you've spoiled the dod gasted gun ?' And Mr Spoopendyke, anxious for some excuse to take it back to his friend Speeklewottle, who loaned it to him, held it out and eyed his wife sternly. ' You've ruined that gun,' he continued,' solemnly. 'It won't ever go off again.' 'If ever mind, dear,' consoled Mr gpoopendyke. ' It's been off enough, and I'd just as lief have some clams as birds. Yon go to bed and we'll try and do without anybirds. , 'It won't ever go off again,' repeated Mr Spoopendyke, as he climbed into his couch. ' That is a ruined gun,' and he turned his face to the wall. Mrs Spoopendyke slowly disrobed, having first turned a stream of water into the gun from the faucet, and betook her to rest. ' It may not go off again,' she thought,' but if it does, the neighbors will think the water main has burst,' with which reflection she began to pat the ear of Mr Spoopendyke, who turned over like an earthquake, and wanted to know if she thought she hadn't done enough mischief without lamming him like a dod gasted blacksmith. —Brooklyn Eagle.