IN A YANKEE COURT.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3056, 12 April 1881, Page 4

IN A YANKEE COURT.

KO DISAPPOINTMENT,

"Just so—just so. " observed' His Honor, as he hung np his cane and stood his overcoat in its accustomed corner. " You are very right, Bijah. Just as long ns men make beer and whisky, other men will drink those fluids, and drink to excess, and just as long as men drink to excess, there will be courts and prisons. However, all this has nothing to do with us. It is your business to hiv-,.T out the prisoners, nnd my place tv try tiiem ; and you may now choke back your ri: 1 tears, dust off your bald head, and pass along tho first unfortunate you cua lay hands upon."

Three golden mordents slipped into the procession of the past and gone, during which Hi 3 Honor ate a Baldwin, as big ".? his fist, and thon Bijah rcappeaied as a leading man. That is, ho was lading James Henry Lee, and James Henry looked a good deal worse than a Missouri haystack after a tornado. He was slimpsy And limpsy, He was ragged and old ] He looked brlcky And stickey And not a bit bold. " Nothing now in your case, " remarked His Honor, as he surveyed the specimen before him. "Lots of drink, no luck, and a lazy disposition, are the principal points in your case. Lands alive! but what a time they will have at the workhouse scrubbing you clean ! Never mind, though, you may be happy yet. Bijah will chalk your back for sixty days, and I have no doubt you'll highly appreciate square meals and a good bed. Walk away, my man, and give me a chance to wrestle with the next. I knew what ailed you the minute you walked in, and neither of us need feel disappointed. INNOCENT OID AGE. "You needn't make any explanations," began His Honor, as Abraham Shaw toed the mark. " You are a farmer ; you came down to sell a hind-quarter of beef ; yon found an old friend and had some beer ; the beer got your dander up, and yon kicked over a stove in a saloon. If Napoleon had acted that way ho couldn't have led even a drove of goats across the Alps ; but perhaps you don't want to bo a Napoleon. You know the poet says : —■ 1 Not all aspire To clamber hig-her.' You expected to get back home before dark last night. Wife didn't sleep a wink all night, and the boys were up the road with a lantern looking for your dead body. Nice muss voxi've got into, and you won't hear the last of it all winter. You didn't think you were going to get drunk, and all that; but what has the law to do with your thinking ? When you unset the stove a gallon of water flew over the room, and three aldermen, two leading politicians, and four or fivo orators went hopping around on one leg for the next ten minutes. Nice affair for an old man like you ! No wonder you wipe your nose and keep your eyes on the floor. I don't know how much yon got for that quarter of beef, but the bill here is five dollars. You'll pay, eh ? Well, hand it to the clerk, and let this great moral warning stand by you for the next ten years. You can now pass out and go your way, and if you don't feel happy the way things have turned, don't blame the undersigned. Bijah, who is next ?"

IT WAS A WOMAS - named Catherine Grill, and the court gazed down upon her dumpy figure and said : "You needn't mind introducing yourself, Catherine, I've met you before. Haven't I ? Oh, yes, I have. You are such a dumpy little girl, and you have such a black eye that I could not fail to know you if we met on the banks of the far away Wabash Canal. Let's see ? It was about thirty-five days ago that I sent you up for thirty days. I remember how you cried over it, but tears are no offset* when the public peace ha 3 been disturbed by a family fight. That can't be the same black eye you had then. It must be the one you got yesterday afternoon when you and your husband had another row. I see he also knocked out two of your front teeth, and your nose is left in bad shape. Lack-a-day! but I don't see where the fun comes in. Pitched into you first, did he ? Well, I'm sorry he got away, though it doesn't make any difference to" your case. You are happier in the Workhouse than at home. You aint? Well, that's curious, but perhaps these rows and fights make you enthusiastic over the happiness of home. I'm sorry to interfere with your keeping open house on New Year's, but I've got to do it. I shall send you up for sixty days, and if the police get hold of your husband he w?U follow you. No use crying and lamenting, Catherine. Boys who kick at dogs must tax'P the chances of being bitten. You've old enough to know better, and fat enough to keep the peace. Bijah will lead you in tenderly, sit you down carefully, and you can have a real good cry before the omnibus backs up to the door. Please follow him and give mo a chance to swing myself on the next

case."

WmilAM .TOHNSOIT,

A rough of twenty, raised a row on the street and rofused to obey the police order to move on.

"In consequence of which you now find yourself in something of a fix," observed the court. " William, you are a hard-looking pill. Badness sticks out in a dozen places, and a man with half an eye can see where you are going to bring up. Struck you first, did he ? Well, he must be another just like you, and I wish I had him here. Our cities are overrun with your class. There are 240 of you here who ought to be sent to State Prison on general principles. Never arrested before ? Well, you have been lucky and the police have been negligent. But tho longest road has an end, you know, and here you are and I shall send you up for ninety days. Did you speak to me, William ? Oh, you didn't. I'm glad of it, because I should have added another thirty days to the sentpnee. Trot right into the corridor after Bijah, and you'll find a place to sit down until the police wagon calls for you. It may interfere with your holiday drunks and rows, but this is a cold world and full of disappointment. Step off lively, William, und if you live to come out you'll have a cleaner face and better breath."