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Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3006, 12 February 1881, Page 4

One of the hands on a Louisiana plantation having murdered the owner, the coroner's jury brought in a verdict of suicide because the deceased died by his ovra

hand. . , Over the gate of a graveyard in southeastern Tennessee is the following inscription .—« No person allowed to he buried m this enclosure except those who live in the village." A man lately made a wager that he had «een a horse going at its greatest speed and a dog sitting on his tail; and, strange as it may seem, he won—but the dog sat on his own tail! "The grass is turning green," was_ the observant remark of a young man escorting a pretty damsel across the common, and the saucy miss replied that he had got ahead of the grass by a number of days. A boy at Winnamac, Tnd., put a revolver into his pocket before being spanked, and the old man danced about and waved the stumps of two fingers in the air and bellowed while the boy howled for six rags to tie up nWs where the bullets dug furrows in the back of his legs. A Suggestion for Impecunious Parties.— Old country woman (to squire's small daughter, who has brought a message from the hall) : "Thank yewr papa, miss, an roight glad I am, fur I can't make both ends meet now." Squire's small daughter (innocently) : " Then why don't you make one end vegetables, Mrs Goggins ?"—Fun. Little Jeanne has a sister, a year married. Last week this sister became the mother of a pretty babe. " Lsok, mademoiselle," said the nurse, showing the new-born to its little aunt. " Isn't it the prettiest dolly you ever saw ?" Jeanne danced with delight. Then she approached to take it from tho arms. A cry of disgust arose. " Pooh ! screamed Jeanne, " It's nothing but a meat During the last session of the Court at , Wisconsin, Lawyer Blank had been trying for two long hours to impress upon the minds of the jury the facts of the case. Hearing the dinner-bell, he turned; to the judge, and said, "Had we better adjourn for dinner, or shall I keep right onf Weary and disgusted, His Honor replied, " Oh, you keep right on, and vie will go to dinner." —Harper. As an illustration of the wide-spread use of a certain popular title, it is related that a gentlemen recently stepped into a saloon in Denver, and cried out, in a loud, cheery tone : " Hello ! Come, professor, take a drink !" Six men sitting in the saloon at once arose and came forward, while a bootblack, whose stand was just outside the door, and a passing corn doctor, smilingly accepted the invitation, and stepped in. Horace Greeley wrote a note to a brother editor in New York, whose writing was equally illegible with his own. The recipient of the note, not being able to read it, sent it back by the same messenger to Mr Greeley for elucidation. Supposing it to be an answer to his own note, _Mr Greeley looked over it, but was likewise unable to read it, and said to the boy : —" Go, take it back. What does the fool mean ?"—" Yes, sir," said the boy, " that is just what he said.

It was in a Bowery opera-house. The two gentlemen were from the country. After the curtain fell on the first act, one of them, who had been reading the programme, said in an excited manner " It's an infernal swindle, just got up to take in strangers." " What's a bwindle ?" " Here it says the next act is two years later. I wonder if they think we are going to stay in New York, at two dollars a day for two years, just to see this thing out?" They went out and saw the ticket-man about it.

She was the young wife of a betting man, and though a strong minded, intellectual woman, did not understand the technical terms and abbrevations of racing language, and when, therefore, she receive d in her husband's absence on the Leger day a telegram worded as follows : " Put your last sbirt on the devil," she was mystified, and immediately wired to her husband's friend as follows :—" I know my husband is a fool, but if he takes your advice and gives his spare underclothing to Satan and his imps, here is a woman going to get a divorce." —Sporting Times. A tiadesman in a provincial town invited home one of the deacons of the chapel he attended. The guest offered a blessing at the table, which proceeding greatly excited the curiosity of the gentleman's five-year-old son, who sat beside the deacon and interrogated him on the subject. " What was that you said ?" he began. "It was a blessing on the food we are about to eat," replied the deacon. " A what ? " " Why, a blessing ! Doesn't your father ask a blessing at the table ? " " Oh, yes : but he doesn't say it in that way!" " How does he say it ? " " Why, he sits down and looks at the table, and says, ' Oh, <he dickens! Is this ali you've got for dinner? " :\ 'cview at Aldershot lsitely was honored by the ii'4tendance of H.H.H. the Prince of Wales, the Duke of Cambridge, and other personages, amongst whom were some foreign princes, who were late in arriving, and searched in vain for the Royal party through the greater part of a tedious morning. At last the carriage reached the bridge, at each end of which a sentry was posted, and the wanderers sought guidance from one of them, "Do you know were the Prince of Wales or the 1 'uke of Cambridge is ? " an occupant of the carriage asked. The man saluted. " No, sir; I don't myself," he replied ; " but. I'll ask my mate. He knows all the public-houses about here. A student of one of our colleges had a barrel of ale deposited in his room—contrary of course, to rule and usage. He received a summons to appear before the master, who said, " Sir, I am informed that you have a barrel of ale in your room. Well, what explanation can you give ? " "Why, the fact is, sir, my physician advices me to try a little each day as a tonic, and, nob visiting at the various places where the beverage is retailed, I concluded to have a barrel taken to my room. " " Indeed! And have you derived any benefit from the use of it ? " " Ab, yes, sir. When the barrel was first taken to my room two days since I could scarcely lift it. Now I enn carry it with the greatest ease. " We believe the witty student was discharged without special reprimand.