AN AMERICAN HOTEL.

Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 3004, 10 February 1881, Page 4

AN AMERICAN HOTEL.

A. < 'unedin gent-.lemnn who has recently returned from a trip to England via the l.'nited States, has t.anded us the following clevev squib picked up by him in Chicago. Some of our go-ahead New Zealand hotelkeepers may be abe to pick up an idea or two from a purusal of it: — THE DESEET HOTTBE! " "Has hotel haa been built and arranged for the special comfort and convenience of summer boarders. On arrival, each guest will be asked how he likes the situation; and if he eaye the hotel ought to have been placed np upon the knoll or further down towards the village, the location of the house will be immediately changed. Corner front rooms, up only one flight, for every gu?st. " Baihs, gas, water-closet, hot and cold watei , , laundry, telegraph, restaurant, firealarm, bar-room, billiard-table, daily papers, coupe, sewing machine, grand piano, a clergyman, and all other modern conveniences, in every room. Meals every minute if desired, and consequently no second tahle. Hnglish, French, and German dictionaries furnished every guest, to make up such a bill-of-fare as he may desire, without regard to the bill-affair afterwards at the office. Waiters of any nationality and color desired. Every waiter furnished with a libretto, button-hole bouquet, full-dress suits, balltablets, and his hair parted ia the middle. Every tniost will have the best seat in the dining-hall, and the best waiter in the hjuse. " i!V guest not petting his breakfast red--1k.;., ■>!• crppj'jt.ncing a delay of sixteen Hr>!'.i<:'L ■:■.'.'!er "iving his order for dinner, ■.via !•:■•.-.-!-■(■■• n.ictiiioii 1 rie fact ab the office, v.ud iy"? :'.M.iki-: iind waiters will be blown i'vjr,-. ill!.; rsiout.Ji of the cannon in front of tiv. j hol* , J. •:?; or.!'<;. Children will be welcomed vvii.li doh'ght, and are requested to brinti hoop-sticks and haw-keys to bang the carved rose wood furniture especially provided for that purpose, and peg-tops to spin on the velvet carpets ; they will be allowed to bang on the piano at all hours, yell in the hall?, slide down the bannisters, fall down stairs, carry away desert enough for a small family in their pockets at dinner, and make themselves as disagreeable as the fondest mother can desire. " Washing allowed in rooms, and ladies giving an orderto ' put me on a flat iron' will be put on one at any hour of the day or night. A discreet waiter, who belongs to the Masons, Odd Fellows, Knights of Pythias, and who was never known to even tell the time of day, has been employed to carry milk-punches and hot toddies to ladies' rooms in the evening. " Every lady will be considered the belle of the house, and row-boys will answer the bell promp ! ly. Should any row-boy fail to appear at a guest's door with a pitcher of ice-water, more tcmels, a gin-cocktail, and pen, ink, and paper, before the guest's hand has left the bell-knob, he will be branded ' Front' on his forehead, and imprisoned for life. " The office clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and can lead in prayer, play draw poker, match worsted at the village store, shake for drinks at any hour, day or night, play billiards, good waltzer and can dance the German, make a forth at euchre, amuse children, repeat the Beecher trial from memory, is a good judge of horses, as a railway and steamboat reference is far superior to Appleton's or anybody else's guido, will flirt with any young lady and not mind being cut dead when 'pa comes down.' Don't mind being damned any more than a Oonnectieut river. Can room forty people in the best room in the house when the hotel is full, attend to the annunciator, and answer questions in Hebrew, Greek, and Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language at the same moment, without turning a hair! " Dogs allowed in any room in the house, including the w(h)ine room. Gentlemen can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble, tell shady stories, stare at the new arrivals, and indulge in acy other innocent amusements common to watering places, in any part of the hotel. The proprietor will always be happy to hear that some other hotel is ' the best house in the country,' Special attention given to parties who can give information as to ' how these things are clone in Yewrup.'

" The proprietor will take it as a personal affront if any guest on leaving should fail to dispute the bill, tell him lie is a swindler, the house a barn, the taLio wretched, the wines vile, and that he the guest,' was never so imposed upon in his life, will never stop there again, and means to warn his friends,'