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Daily Telegraph (Napier), Issue 2989, 24 January 1881, Page 4

An old maid, speaking of marriage, says it's like any other disease —while there is life there is hope. The best and most thoughtful newspapers allow contributors to the waste-basket to write on both sides of tho sheet. A littlo boy tamed an alligator, and the ugly brute began to like the little fellow — not, howevei-j until the little fellow was all gone. Men are frequently like tea—the real strength and goodness are not properly drawn out until they have been in hot ■water. ' Well, Pat, "Jim didn't quite kill you with the brickbat, did he ?' ' No, but I wish he had.' ' Why so ?' *So that I could have seen him hung, tho villian ?' The brilliant Sophie Arnold, when she heard of a certain diplomatist that had been eaten by wolves, exclaimed, ' Poor brutes ! Hunger must indeed be a terrible thing !' The Prince of Wales' two sons are somewhat lively. While on a voyage recently the younger was heard to exclaim, " Come bub, tune your fiddle and give us God save your old grandmother." Mr Burnand said a neat thing of Sara Bernhardt ; in consequence of her eccentricities he has christened her " Sal Volatile," add says she is so thin because sho livee principally upon French role. A. Yankee advertiser announces that he will tell anyone how to write without pen or ink for 25 cents. He has received numerous cents from credulous correspondents to all of whom he has replied' " write with a pencil !" Lady (engaging Parlour Maid) —'And why did you leave your last place?' Candidate (bridling)—' Which I were considered too good looking, mum ! —"Visitors was always takin' me for missus, mum !'— London Punch. "My cass is just here," said a cititen to a lawyer the other day ; " the plaintiff will swear that I hit him, and I will swear that I did not. Wow what can you lawyers make out of that if we go to trial ?" " Kve dollars apiece," was the prompt reply. A bright little boy hearing his father say a man ought to ' stick to his business,' emptied a bottle of mucilage in tho gentleman's office chair. The old man said he has not been stuck so badly since 1857, and rewarded his offspring by taking him on a whaling trip to the back cellar. About the best ,' Hardly ever" occurred in Townsville at the wedding of Edith Pener. The Registrar, being under the impression that she had been married before, acked he if it was not so. Surprised at receiving the answer " E"o,"he exclaimed, "What, never?" "Well," said the bride, " hardly ever."

They were talking of Sir Boyle Roche, when a Wicklow Magistrate, who was present, flew off at a tangent. " When I was in danger from a Kerry bull," said he, "I sat down and stared him full in the face." " How did it answer ?" queried the breathless bystanders. '* Excellent; the Kerry didn't even offer to touch me." " Very remarkable, very curious. How do you account for it ?" " Well, sometimes 'Vβ thought it was because I sat down on *■ • -> branch of a tall tree," said the thO tOj;, II ' magistrate. ..