DIVERSIONS

Dominion, Volume 32, Issue 154, 25 March 1939, Page 6 (Supplement)

DIVERSIONS

She: "I’d like to see any man try to kiss me.” He: "No doubt, bur you shouldn’t admit it.”

“Clean your windows upstairs, lady?” ‘‘No, thank you.” •‘Downstairs, lady?” “No thanks.” “Clean your greenhouse glass?" "No.” “Give vour specs a polish, lady?” * » »

‘•How’s the new member getting ou wilh bis golf?” “Oh, haven’t you heard? He bit a ball in one today.”

“Last night was a night and no mistake,” said Giddy. ‘‘Do you know, I finished up in the police station?” "Lucky dog,” said Brown, bitterness in his voice. ‘‘l found my way home.”

An actor who had a motoring accident and bad sticking plaster on his nose as a result, called upon the local tax collector. “Hurt your nose?” the latter asked.

“No,” said the aetor. “I’ve been paying through it for so long that it has given way under the strain.”

A number of negroes were lying on the floor in front of the fireplace when one of them spoke up: "Is it a-rainin’ out?” “All don’t know,” replied another; ‘‘Well, git up an’ look,” insisted "the first voice.

‘‘Ah, rats,” said the persecuted one, lazily. “Call de dawg in an’ see if he’s wet.”

'Tlic jigsaw puzzle that Jones was trying to put together finally beat him. He pushed it aside in disgust. “I wonder who invented these darned things?” he asked his companion.

‘‘Why, don’t you know?” answered the other. “It was an Aberdeen butcher.”

“However did he come to think of it?” Jones asked. ‘‘That was easy,” the knowing one explained. “He accidentally dropped a pound note into a mincing machine.”

Mrs. Smith and Mrs. Jones met in the main street of the village. Mrs. Smith was extremely upset. • "Look here, Mrs. Jones,” she said. “Mrs. Brown told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her.” “Oh, the mean thing,” said Mrs. Jones, “and I specially told her not to tell you that I told her.” "Well,” said Mrs. Smith, anxiously, "look here; don’t you tell her I told you she told me.”

There was a slight commotion ou the bus. The overdressed woman had tendered for her fare a coin which, after a scrutiny the conductor declined, pronouncing it to be foreign. Instead of producing another coin and permitting the man to get on with his job, the overdressed woman proceeded to rail against having been imposed upon elsewhere and, indeed, attempted .to work off some of her indignation on the conductor.

“What can I do with it?” she demanded.

‘‘Well, they’ll take it in Turkey,” the conductor suggested.

"You’ve been wilh this firm a week and I find that I here’s nothing you can do. When 1 engaged you, you told me you were a handy man.” “Well, so I am. I live just round the corner, don't I?”

“I hear your shop was robbed last night. Lose much?” "Some. But it would have been worse if the burglars had got in the night before. You see, yesterday I finished marking down everything 20 per eent.”

“Tell me, does your husband understand horse-racing?'' asked the first woman. / "I should say he'does!” said the second woman, somewhat bitterly. “The day before a race he always knows which horse is certain to win, and the day after lie knows exactly why it didn’t-” *

There Hud been a domestic argument and the chemist turned once again to his desk. “You do not know what tears are, sobbed the wife. “Yes. I do,” answered the chemist; "just aqua eblorata and a little phosphate.” * v v

The home team bad unexpectedly crashed to local rivals in a cup-tie in a Yorkshire village, and as the referee left the field a staunch collier supporter hailed him with: “Hast ever refereed before, owd lad?" ■ t Referee: “Yes, before you were born.’ Collier: “Aye, but I mean since.”

A Londoner who had imported a cook and housemaid from the depths of the country, sent them to a cinema. When they returned she asked the cook if they had enjoyed it. “Oh, yes,” came the enthusiastic reply, “but that Mickey Mouse was the best of all, and when we left, mum, Mary said, ‘lsn’t it wonderful they can train mice to act like that?’ She’s such a child, 1 hadn’t the heart to tell her they were only men dressed up.”

To Biffin was delegated the honour of presenting the vacuum cleaner purchased by the staff as a token of their esteem for Miss Dimple, the typist, who was leaving the office upon the approach of her marriage. He rose, blushed nervously, and said, "On behalf of my colleagues and myself I congratulate you, and beg you to accept this little gift. We hope that, as you employ it to free your home from unwanted dirt and litter, you will be reminded of your old friends at the office.’’

A country school was visited by one of the governors, a man with a pompous air. He put some questions, and one of them was: ‘‘What is the Sixth Commandment?”

When no one answered he tried again. “Come, what Commandment did Cain break when he killed Abel? Who can tell me?”

One scholar beckoned to the teacher and whispered something to her. The visitor demanded to know what the child had said, and the teacher replied, ■ quietly, “The child simply said that there were no Commandments when Cain killed Abel.”