THROUGH THE EYE OF A HUMORIST

Dominion, Volume 11, Issue 200, 13 May 1918, Page 6

THROUGH THE EYE OF A HUMORIST

THE FLANDERS BATTLEFIELDS IN WINTER (IT: ' FEARSOME-LOOKING WARRIORS .0t ■ ' are multiplying to show that thr Boohe infantryman much pref-ra fraternising to fighting with the enemy. But even the socially inclined 'German' draws the lino at the new winter out-"uilr-r ilas b . cul is3,le(l to llis frieml tntfw'a few feet away aenws No Man's mind of the average German IJ O?jP trenches is popularly supposed to j iMvq after the mnnner of a; British tank sailing over a shell-shock-etrbattlefield, but tin.- fur garments now vortf by , ' Tommy at the front have been : fcitowni'lii stir him into frenzied action on.'>Mflg)jt'i One socially incliiud Btuho whp;/ J irhs aprronehing the British treiiolfts jwith a wisp cf'something white in°'lliS Rl haiid turned und (led in dismay when a figure resembling a cross between ii leopard and an Astrakhan goat rose A abp.ve the sand-bag parapet to greet him.;. According to Major Inn Hay Beith CTO+Hay? of the "First Hundred Thou-saljjM-the skins from which tho garflieiitSr liSvp been constructed have been (•oftmbute'd' by animab unknown to zoologiM experts. But Tommy little cares what? Sort of an animal he resembles so long as it is a warm breefl, for the conJγ). is facing in the trenches in BelgiViMnre very different from those in France. The undulating land of. Belgiuml offers "an infinite choice of unpleasant surroundings." To convey an idea of the trenches, he has recourse to tho expression of the imntorfeiU'Costermonger, who said, "there niivfcinoi'word in tks blooming language" fori them;. To begin with, there is no Fettled:! trenoh-l inc. The'salient of whicli hemrirrates hn<r been a battlefield for twtker mouths, and yet no one ever had . theitrimo or the opportunity to construct I Anything in th'e shape of permanent defeheeslii' In Belgium the fighthw niniiis.i stronghold is a shallow trench ! Irinitned with an untidy parapet of sand- ! lwßsJiftnd his place of retreat and rest is : n hole in the ground, half-full of water ; nmliiroofed with galvanised iron, or pos- I sjWjiT''n glorified rabbit-burrow" in n>. canaj-bank. Theso things are all right i incite summer-time, observes "lan Hay" i inh'cAll In It! K (l> Carries On." Hoi Sas}:— ; i e-tfj , Sights and Sounds. j Winter here is a disintegrating season, j It rains heavily for, says, three days. Two days of sharp frost succeed, and the rain-soaked earth is reduced to the necessary degree of friability. Another day's rain, and trenches and dug-outs come sliding down like melted butter. Even if you revet fho trenches it is not easy to drain them. The only difference is that if your lino is* situated on tho forward elope of a hill the support trench drams into tho firing trench; if they are on the ' reverse slope, the firing trench drains into tho support trench. O.itr indefatigable friends Box and Cox, of the lioyal .Engineers, assisted by sturdy pioneer battalions, labour like herpes; but the utmost they ran achieve, in a low-lying country like this, ie to divert as much water as possible into some other brigade's area. Which they do, right cunningly. In addition to the Boche, we wage continuous warfare with the elements, and the various departments of Olympus rcn. dor. .us characteristic assistance. The Round Game Department has issued a set of rules for the correct method of mas--4 Kigiug and greasing the feet. (Major Wagstafl'e refers to this as "Sole-slapping, or What to do in the Children's Hour j complete in Twelve Fortnightly Parts.'') Tho Fairy Godmother Department presents us with what the Quartermaster describes .vs" "Boots, gum, thigh"; md there has also been an issue of socalled fur jackets, in which tho Practical Joke Department has plainly taken a hand. Most of these garments appear to have been contributed by animals unknown to zoology, or mure probably by a syndicate thereof. Corporal Mucklewame's costume gives him tho appearance of a St. Bernard dog with Astrakhan forelegs. Sergeant Carfrae is al tired in what looks like tho skin of Nana, the dog-nurse in "Peter Pan." Private Nigg, an undersized youth of bashful disposition, creeps forlornly about his duties disguised as an " imitation leopard,' As he passes by, facetious person.? pull what is left of his . tail. Private Tosh, on being confronted with his winter trousseau,'observed bit- ■ tcrly:

"I jiiiecl the Airmy for tae be a sojer; but I (loot they must have pit me doon as a mountain goat!" .Still, (hough our variegated pelfs cause us to resemble an unsuccessful compromise between Esau and an Eskimo, they , keep our bodies warm. Wo wish wo could say the 'same for our feet. On good days we stand ankle-deep; on bail, we. are occasionally over the knees. Thrice blessed-then! are our "Boots, gum, thigh," though oven these- cannot altogether ward off frost-bite and chilblains. . Over the way, Brother Bocho is having a bad time of it; his trenches are in a worse state than ours. Last night a plaintive voice cried out: "Are . you dere, Jo=k? Haf you whisky.? We have plenty water!" Not bad for a Boche, the platoon decided. "Fed Up"—the Boche,

. There is uouut. toat whatever the German. General Stall may tliink about war and thi; future, the German intantry soldier/is "ted up." His satiety takes the iorrn'oi' a craving ior suwai intercourse with, the toe. In llie small hours, iwheu the vigilance of the German n.c.o.'s is relaxed, and the ciiicers are probably in their, dugouts, no makes rather pathetic overtures. We are frequently invited to come out and shako hands. "JJis war will bs obtr the nineteen of nox' month!" (Evidently the Kaiser has had another revelation.) The other morning a German soldier, witU a ivisp of something white in his hand, netually clambered out of tht iiringtiench and advanced - toward our lines. 'J. he..distance was bareiy seventy yards. No 6hot was lived, but you may ]n sure that safety-catches were hastily released. Suddenly, in the tense silence, the ambassador's nerve failed him. He Iwltedback, followed by a few desultory bullets. The reason for his sudden panic was never rightly ascertained, hut the weight oJ ;pnblic opinion is inclined to tho view that Mucklewarue, who hud momentarily exposed himself above the.parapet was responsible. "I doot he thqdit ye were a H6n eseapt froin the Scottish Zoo!" exclaimed a. brother corporal, referring to his indignant colleague's new winter coat. Here is another incident, with a different ending. At one point our lino approaches to within fifteen yards of the Boche trenches. One wet and dismal dawn, as the battalion stood,to arms in the neighbourhood of this delectable spot, there came a sudden shout from the enemy, and an outburst of rapid riflefire. Almost simultaneously two breathless and unkempt figures tumbled over our parapet into the firing-trench. The fusillade died a'vay. To t'he extreme discomfort and shame of a respectablo citizen of Bamiockburn, one PrivateBundle, the more hairy of the two visitors, upon recivering his feet, promptly fliinghis arms around his neck and kissed him on both cheeks. The outrage was repeated, by his compuuion upon Private Nigg. At the same time both visitors broke into a joyous chant of "Russky! Russky!" They were escaped Russian prisoners.

When tnken to Headquarters they explained that they had been brought iip to perform fatigue work near the German trenches and had seized upon a quiet moment to slip to some convenient undergrowth. Later, under cover of night, the) 1 had made their way in the direction of the firing-line, arriving just in time to make a dash, before daylight discovered them. You may imagine their triumphal departure from our trenches—loaded with cigarettes, chocolate, bully beef, and other imperishable souvenirs.