The Spice of Life

Dominion, Volume 11, Issue 71, 17 December 1917, Page 11

The Spice of Life

I AFTER-DINNER JESTS FOR CHRISTMAS 'ww KM

c\ r? OTHER (to small daughter A/i saying prayers): "A little lyll louder, dear, I can't hear." Daughter: "Yes, but I'm not speaking to you." New Arrival: "And where do I go when this shelling business starts?" Sandy (lato of tho "Wco Kirk"): "Laddie, that a' depends on your rclccgious opeenions!" "Why couldn't Kvc.'avo the-measles, old chap?" "Cawn't say that 1 know. Why?" "Because she 'ad 'Adam, old fellow." * * * "I dreamed last night that I proposed to a beautiful girl," he confided. "And what did I say?" she queried breathlessly. ■ * * * Officer: "That's a pretty awlnvnrd tat you've got now, Sergeant." Sorely Tried Sergeant-Instructor: "They are that, sir. It's the- like o' them, sir, as brings 'ome to us what a horrible thing this war is, sir!" * * * The lady bank-clerk had completed her first week, and a friend asked her how sho liked the work. "Oh, it's beautiful!" said tho girl. "I'm at a branch where nearly all the people w< know have accounts, and it's so nice to seo how little money somo of ydui friends have in tho bank!" * * * Old Lady: "Why can't the Admiralty tell us how many submarines have beer sunk?" Jack: "Well, y' sec, mum, we can') spare enough divers to walk about tin bottom of tho sea and count 'em!" «. * * Weary William: "Me father knew s month before his dcatli when ho woulc die." Sunset Sims: "Who told him?" Weary William: "The Judce." * * * Farmer: "On which sido do you mill a cow?" New War-Hand: "The outside." * # * New Dentist (in.Frozen Dog): "Wil you taka gas?" Bronco Bill: "Will it hurt much i: I don't?" New Dentist: "It will." Bronco Bill: "Then, stranger, foi your sake I reckon I'd better take it.' ** . * Tlioy wore having an argument a to whether it was correct to say of i hen sho is "sotting" or "sitting," and not being able to arrive at a satisfac tory conclusion, they decided to sub nut the problem to Farmer Giles. "My friends," said he, "that don' interest mo at all. What I wants ti know whon I hear a hen cackle i whether she be laying or lying." » * * "Then this," asked rejected JameE "is absolutely final?" "Quite," was Dorothy's calm reply "Shall I return your letters, James?' "Yes, please," answered poor James "Thoro's some good material in then that I can use again." * * • "Dad," said little Reginald, "wha is a. bucket-shop ?" "A bucket-shop, my 60n," th father. feelingly, - "a -bucket-shop is • modern cooperage establishment t which a man takes a barrel and bring back the bung-holo." "I'm glad Billy had the sense , t marry an old ■maid," said grandma a the wedding. . "Why grandma?" asked the son. "Woll, gals is highty-tighty, aiv widders is kinder overrulin' and up sottin'. But old maids is thankful am willin' tcplease."' s. * • • At a military tribunal in the Scot tish border district ona member askei the applicant, a shepherd, if be ■ knov of any reason why his work should no he undertaken by a woman. "A woman once tried it," replied tin applicant, "and she made a mess of it.' "Who was she?" inquired the chair man," " '80-Peep,' " answered the shop herd. * * * The barber was finishing lathering : customer, and was talking volubly a: usual. "Yes, sir," he said, "we have t< mind what we're about here. Ever; time we cut a customer's face we an fined a 'tanner,' and if 'we make ai ugly gash it costs us a 'bob' I" Then, picking up and brandishing i razor, he added: "But I don't care i hang to-day. I'xc just won a 'quid'!' Two rival sausage-makers lived 01 opposite sides' of a certain street, anc one day one of them placed over hii shop the legend: "We sell sausages to the gentry am nobility of the country." The next day, over the way, appear ed the sign: "Wo sell sausages to the gentry am nobility of the whole country. Not to be outdone, the rival put uj what he evidently regarded as a fina statement, namely: "We sell sausages to the King." Next day there appeared over th< door of the first sausage-maker thi simple expression of loyalty: "God save the King." * * » Dr. Wu Ting Fang, of the Chinesi Foreign Office, has a subtle sense oi humour. He told an American ladj once about a Chinaman who committee suicide by eating gold=leaf. "But I don't see how that.killec him—how did it?" inquired the lady. "I suppose," said Wu, seriously "that it was the consciousness of in ward gilt!" * • * .# * "My dear, you mustn't let anybodi read that letter from cousin George ai the front. I'm surprised that he'e write about such disgraceful going! on." "What's the matter with his let tor?", "Didn't you read that part where hi says he was out with a British tan! last night, and they rolled all over tin place ?" * # * » "Germany's claim that she importf nothing, buys only of herself, and so i: growing rich from the war, is a dread ful fallacy.",Thespcakor was Mr. Her bert Xj. Hoover, chairman of the American Food Board. "Germany," he went on, "is like th/ young man who wisely thought he'd grow his own garden-stuff. This young man had been digging for about an houi when his spade turned up a quarter, Ten minutes later he found anothei quarter. Then ho found a dime. Then he found a quarter again. "'By gosh,' he said, 'I've struck a silver-mine,' and, straightening up, he felt something cold slide down his leg. Another quarter lay at his feet. He grasped tho truth: There was a hole in his pocket!" * * * * "What do you think of our scheme for the Christinas decorations?" she inquired. "It is holly over laurel leaves." "Vory good," he replied, "but personally I should prefer mistletoe over yew."-

Tho physicians were consulting boBide the bed of a man supposed to liuve appendicitis. "No," said one of them decisively, "I think wo should wait until he gets stronger before operating." The other doctor opened his mouth to speak, but the patient beat him to it. "What do you take me for?" ho asked feebly. "A cheese?" '* * * The Scotch bagpipe players were breaking tho atmosphere into thousands of fragments with their instruments. "Why do those pipers keep walking up and'down as they play?" asked one stranger of another. "I don't know," was the peevish answer, "unless it makes them harder to hit." A certain physician was noted for his reckless automobile driving. One day when he answered the telephone a woman's voice asked him if he intended to go out driving that afternoon. "No; I hardly think I shall havo time this afternoon," replied the doctor. "But why do you ask?" "Well," replied his anonymous questioner, "I want to send my little daughter down town for some thread if you are not going." « « * Sandy Macphcrson started to build a smali outhouse of bricks. After the usual fashion of bricklayers, ho worked from tho inside, and, having tho material close besido him, the walls were rising fast when dinner-time arrived, and with it his son Jock, who brought his father's dinner. With honest pride in his eye, Sandy looked at Jock over the wall on which he was encaged, and asked: "Floo d'ye think I'm gettin' on?" "Famous, fcythur; but hoo dae ye' get oot? You've forgot tho door!" One glanco around him showed Sandy that his son was right; but, looking kindlv at him said: "Man, Jock, you've got a gran' heid on ye! Ye'll be an architect, as shure's yer fcythur's a builder." TO OUll DIETETIC GUIDE. (From one husband.) We've substituted com for wheat And pallid cottage-cheese for meat; With nobly simulated zeal ' We chew the dull potato-peel ; We've tested every new disguise [ For making rice a glad surprise, And never throw a bit away, But mingle all in queer puree. 0 doughty Dietetic Guide, Lead on, lead on! We're satisfied. * * . • * . 'War-Training.—She (belligerently): "Why weren't you at the station with the car to meet me as usual?" He (meekly): "My dear, you ought to get'into this habit of some meetless days." I * * * * i Why He Claimed Exemption.—Recruiting Officer: "How about joining the colours? Have you any one dependent? on you?" Motorist: "Have I? Thcro are two garage owners, six mechanics, four tiro dealers, and every gasoline agent within a radius of 125 miles." . * * • # *' Full.lnstructions.—Mr6. Carey: "Me sister writes hie that every bottle in that box we sent her was broken. Are ye Sure yez'printed 'This side up, with care' on'it?" Casey: "Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on tho top, Oi printed it on the bottom as well." •