FREE ENGLAND

Dominion, Volume 10, Issue 2957, 21 December 1916, Page 6

FREE ENGLAND

A NIGHT OUT IN 191?

(By 'JVells Brex, in the "Daily Mail.") [The following amusing skit—the writer supposes that the war is still going strong in 191S—depicts the life of a Londoner whose daily routine and habits are strictly "controlled" by tho Government.] "I havo spoken to you twice without getting an answer," complained Mrs. Brown. ' Mr. Brown laid down his paper. "Sorry," my dear, but I. was absorbed in this last Government order. It's rather complicated. Men of fifty-ono. are apparently liable if they receive a pink form within sixteen days after receiving the green form, but they are exempted if", within six days after receiving the blue form, they apply to their local recruiting officer for a purple " "I don't seo tll.lt you need bother," interrupted Mrs. Brown; "you were fifty-two in June and tho Government have given a pledge that- men over fifty-one will not be called upon until they have combed out the shirkers between fortv and fifty who are filling civilian tasks that can he performed by able-bodied .voting single men."

"That's ius't what's worrying me." interposed Mr. Brown. '.'Tho clearer the pledge the sooner the breach. Pledges make me uneasy." "Oh, do stop thinking about the war. I was suggesting a dinner and theatre. A T on've worked for two years without a break. Let's say to-morrow night?" ,

"My dear Emilv," said Mr. Brown, "there's nothing I should like better. But think of the formalities. First of all. we must procure and fill up the yellow form to obtain a permit/ to be out of bod until midnight. Then we have to' obtain and fill up the white form for permission to be outdoors after nino o'clock at night., That means going round to a clergyman, a J.P.. and a solicitor for certificates of good character. Then I shall have to get the hank to endorse the application to spend on scheduled amusements a sum not exceeding one-eighth of my weekly income. /Then I must get my season ticket vised at the Home Office for a journev not concerned with business. Then I must get a certificate for your railwav ticket at the Restriction of Locomotion Office. Then I.have to take our registration cards to one of the young men in the Inland Travel Board's offices and obtain passports for the district within half a mile of Piccadilly Circus. Then there aro the restaurant and theatre .'permits to' be got at the Dilution of .- Dismalness Department. Then I must get the two 'night out' brassards, and the attestation before a commissioner for oaths that we will not carry/chocolate creams, matches, biscuits, ot bull's-eyes' into tho prohibited area. 'No, I don't really think its good tenough."

But' .'Mrs. Brown prevailed. Mr. Brown 'spent tbe following day in hustling through the formalities, and at'sixo'clock he canio home to take his wife out. •

"Good Heavens!" cried Mr. Brown whe/,i ho entered his wife's room. Mrs. Brown was arrayed in ; a simple evening frock that dated from 1916. "Surely," sa'id Mr. Brown irritably, "you've road the latest Order in Council ?"

I know nothing of Orders in Conned," replied Mrs.> Brown. "AVhat does it say?"

► says '" reacl Mr - Brown: . 'Defence of the Realm.—Tho following directions aro laid down for tho costume of all persons obtaining permits to visit/hotels, restaurants, and places of public amusement within tho scheduled hours.. Males: Dark Tbunge or morning coat, black-, shoes or boots, dark overcoat (optional), plain walkingstick or umbrella without silver ornament;.no feathers, trinkets, jewels, or other personal adornment. Females: Dark plain costume, black shoes or boots, ribbed black woollen stockings, neatly braided hair, untrimmed hat not exceeding six inches in brim, no feathers, trinkets, jewels l —' " "I refuso to go out," cried Mrs. Brown.

As you will, my dear," Mr. Brown smugged his shoulders. 'Of course, if you want to lose "

"I don't seo that my making myself a frump will help." Mr. Brown looked at his watch It s the Defenco of tho Realm, Emily, and there's the end of it. Are we going or not?" Half an hour later, after Mr. Brown had dubj» seen that all household fires wero out according to tho now 7 p.m order of the Fuel Control Board, and had gagged and chained the Pekinese in the cellar in obedience to the, new order of the Hostile Aircraft Silence and Composure Board, the Browns turned the key of their houso (they had been servantless since 1916) and started for their night out. Mr. Brown had only one more formality to at tend to—the deposit of the key at the local office of tbe Ministrv of Household Inspection at Any Old Time. At the station the Browns presented their travelling'permits, were examined by the Control Board's inspectors at tho barrier, and searched for chocoato and bull's-eyes. Unable to read his evening paper, Mr. Brown filled up the time by studying tho various official notices, warnings, and menaces in big print that were pasted in the compartment. "Hallo!" cried Mr. Brown, "here's a new one; 'Defence of the Realm.—Passengers must, as far as possible, preserve strict silence. They must in no case discuss internment of enemies in our midst Allied trade co-operation after the war' or an alternative British Government! Penalty, one year's imprisonment.' "

■ "T don't-know where on earth to dine." said Mr. Brown when . they reached their terminus.' "Nearlv all the hotels and restaurants have "been commandeered. The Ministry of Munitions have taken tho Carlton. t] le Ritz. tho S'avoy, the Ceoil. and Romano's. The Ministry of Pnbl : o Morals have (jot tho Trocadero, the Criterion, and Fraseaii. the Labour Assistance Bureau for Yomif'.Mwi of Military A<?e lmi'o. linseed the Berklev. Parrnni's, ibe Pall Mall, and the Piccadilly. AVe hsi'l better ask a policeman."'

The pollcemnn tol dthe Browns of a restaurant still open in Coventrv Street. "Can you get us a table?" asked Mr. Brown of the "neutral" manager. "All der dables vo* booked.'' ••"iswered the manager hnutily.' The Browns waited in the lounrje and eventually secured a table, produced their permits to the waiter, and W*. Brown ,toolc up the bill of. fire. "AA r " haven't time now for the tnble d'hote." be said to Mr. Brown. "AVhat about half a dozen oysters, snme + bin« from the grill, and savoury?" Th« waiter interposed: "Oysders, sir. all commandeered by the Reserve Strength Board —n'ozing from z© grill, sir; no grills pllowed afder seven o'clock. No savouries, sir: now order to-dav. A r ou can hnf rosbif, rosfowl, pilaffmutton— '•"

Mr Brown ordered. Tim waiter brought the portions. ■ "AH off dr'r >li>blo in ten mimites, sir," he warned Mr. Brown. "Now order. <dr; no food .on dable t"n minutes nfder servinij. Fifd* pound fine me. fifdy pound fi»" you." "Can we 'drink anything?" asked Mr. Brown grimly. "No. sir; not afder seven-tbirtv, sir." "Ginger alp, then," said Mr. Brown, even moro nrhnly. "Sorry, sir. New order. Fordv pound fine mo. fordy nound fine vmi." "Water, then," said Mr. Brown. "Sorry, sir; water only incaso of ill-

ness, sir. Twenty pounds fine me, month's imhrisoiiment you."

"Never mind," said Mr. Brown as they walked to the theatre. "We'll soon forget the dinner if it's a bright show."

The play was a new revue, just passed by tho Censorship of Public Morals. ' Topical allusions were forbidden by a new order; another order, forbidding the stage employment of females of an age capable of agricultural employment, adversely affected the beauty chorus. Tho first act was disturbed by the arrest in Jho gallery of an old gentleman caught eating chocolato almonds; the second act was interrupted by a round-up of married shirkers in tho audience. The order that all female performers and dancers must wear masks and skirts not less' than six feet in length and three inches in thickness likewise affected the gaiety and abandon of tho show. "I don't think that our nTgTTt out has been worth the trouble and money, after all," said Mr. Brown, as they groped their way 'home. "Nor do I," replied Mrs. Brown.