ON SICK PARADE

Dominion, Volume 9, Issue 2725, 21 March 1916, Page 6

ON SICK PARADE

SCRIMSHANKEHS AND COLDFOOTS"

"MEDICINE AND DUTY •'

(By an B.A.M.C. Man.), , "JSlentiori." ■ The "sick parade," the recruits and the oversea drafts,; several hundred strong, came stiffly to the salute as we hurried into the inspection room of the barracks. It is. 6.30 011 a cold, bright winter'morning, with the air as keen as a razor. Commanding officers prefer to hold parades at this somewhat unpromisiug hour so that "scrimshankers"—i.e., malingerers who report sick —may, if regarded as'fit for duty, have the benefit of a full day's work, with perhaps a little bit extra thrown in for reporting sick on insufficient evidence.

Installed at our table, pen in hand, |,and surrounded by orderlies arid army , forms, we' begin work. . 1 "Private Smith I" shouts an orderly, and Private Smith, stripped to the waist, puts in an appearance. "What's the matter, my mau I" The "sick parade" are a hundred, strong, and we have had no breakfast yet. A Pain In His Sido. "I've a pain in my side, sir."' 'We chase that pairi diligently with our stethoscope and find it as elusive as the "floating sixpence" of the Insurance 'Act. '» "Anything else?" .''l've a pain here, sir,, in the small of the back, and I' feel pins and needles in the . arms."

The pain' in the back proves equally elusive, and "pins and needles" never arouse, any feeling but one of cold scepticism. Tlie orderly, and myself exchange glances. .

"Anything else?" ; Private Smith thinks for a moment before replying. "I've a pain in my head, sir, and I can't sleep at night.". ■ "Put your tongue out." Private Smith's tongue is wobbly, and shows distinct traces of last nighty dallying in the canteen. The case is diagnosed. \'M. and D." (medicine and duty) goes down in the case-sheet, aud Private Smith', a-sadder man, returns to duty.

The W'irk goes on rapidly and merrily. ■ Every genuine case is sent to hospital, ror we cannot treat .even comparatively mild cases in barracks or nuts; evWy doubtful case is given the full bonefit of the doubt, for mistakes in the army have, a nasty habit of ooming back': to you when everything down to a toothache or a rhubarb pill is scheduled >n duplicato. The ''system" has its advantages and its .disadvantages, too. .-.

Of our "sink parade" of a hundred, at least fifty are sent back on medicine and duty : another thirty, whose symptoms demand slightly, more respect, are sent to "light duty . only. . The rest are sent to nospititl or to interview various, specialists of the eye, ear, throat, and sltin, for we are,already nearly all "specialists" m the army..

One hundred cases, per diem out of a battalion 1200 strong is a pretty stiff ■average; we wish, we could get that proportion in privato practice and wax fat and affluent, but. we soon learn the reason. . Our predecessor, an .amiable gentleman With: a -kindly, mariner, and o tender heart, has listened rather, too sympathetically perhaps to, the tales of woe of the^ —- Battalion, and has created an impression that the army is a resit-cure' for invalids.;. We resolved to reeffly his suavitcr in' modo by a little of ;.our* fortiter in re and' reduce the "sick parade" to reasonable proportions. It delays our breakfast now too much. A Weak Heart. ■ Candidates for inooulation come next on our list, and excuses are many and varied. - "My doctor says I havo a weak heart."; says one. We examined that heart a second time—for all: hearts are esamiried, as a routine before the operation— and find no, weakness. ' v "Do you refuse?" The-recruit hesitates, and is inoculated. 1 Another bolder spirit says defiantly:"I refuse to be inoculated." "Fall out!" shouts the orderly. That is all. There iis no argument about it, no persuasion, for inoculation is optional in the army. , ..,■ ■% The operation is a triumph of organisation, and several hundred can be in. oculated in the hour. : The men are drawn up in a long line that threads its way right- out through the door into tho barrack square. Each man, his left shirt sleeve rolled well up the arm, tho elbow bent at a right angle,, the hand placed firmly on tha hip, passes first before an orderly who' paints a dab of iodine on the proper spot for the operation. Then the whole line riioves slowly forward past the dop. tor, who. armed with a, largo syringe, rapidly injects the serum. ; Next to the doctor stands Another orderly, who pairits a second dab of iodine over the puncture. All the while the line is moving slowly onwards. A, third orderly makes an entry in the book each man carries, certifying tho first dose has been given. A. second dose is given after a week's interval. , Faints and Fits. One of our orderlies is a facetious Welshman. . j . '■■: "Any gentleman who wishes to faint will kindly do so now,." he shouts, as the shivering line of recruits moves slowly towards us. "The medical officer must not be delayed in his work." The joke, a daily habit of his. is greeted with. respectful laughter, : jike a judicial •humo'rism. Tivo or three do faint every day,-; at inappropriate moments, and destroy our record for so many inoculations per hour; . Vaccinations aro even speedier than inoculations, and the record stands at 583 cases in two and a half hours. One man cleans the' arm with , methylated sDirit, a' second blows the lymph on it, the ,medioal';officer scratches in threo. places/with a needle, and a fourth man puts a bandage on.; :,Our methodicial labours are interfered withj. as is usual, by one or two/'fit" I cases. Anparently all the epileptics or pseudo-epileptics of the nation have en-listed-in the armv, and the difficulty is .to get rid of . tliem.

The-relatives, of epileptics, who, as a rhle, do not earn a living, and whose, infirmity' cannot be diagnosed if they keep their mmitlis shut, have clearly discovered this • fact.

"What's the evidence of this fit?" wo inquire! Two privates slip forward, salute, and toll their tale—a genuine enough one, no doubt.

"Has any: medical officer seen liim in a fit?"-we'iriquire. ' "No," sir." "Tlien let him report for duty." The case is closed.

"Fits," to be officially recognised, must he seen by a medical officer, otherwise they do not count. The last batch of the parade arrives—the overseas drafts—and these we simply pallon through,- for the principle is that all men reasonably (It po overseas. Excuses are numerous, for the casualty lists aro not encouraging, but we.pimply ignore them and trust, to our judgment. Tim only really sound excuse is "teeth," and if they are extraordinarily defective the army supply new ones up to a value of £2, -which means a month or 60 of delav.

And so the morning ends, and hungry and tired, we go back to a lato break-, fast.

On Friday afternoon, Messrs. Abraham and Williams, Ltd., will conduct their usual weekly stock sale at levin. For Chldren's Hacking Coughs at Night, ■ Woods/ Great Poppermint Cure. Is. Gd.*