OFF THE HIGHWAY.

Dominion, Volume 6, Issue 1753, 19 May 1913, Page 6

OFF THE HIGHWAY.

j IN HAPPYLAND. 'THE RESIGNATION OF MR. BAIRD, [Br "Mere Mere."] Ten minutes to eight p.m.! By (lie regulations the business of the Happyland Town Board in ordinary meeting assembled should have been commenced twenty minutes previously. But there was not yet a quorum present, The presence of one moro Commissioner was nececsary before tho affairs of Happyland could be legally dipped into. So in the Board's "offices" Commissioners Wambley (chairman), Tozer, and Toggles, and tho Clerk (Mr. Baird) sat patiently waiting for any one of tho four erring Commissioners to arrive. It was destructive to punctuality that so many c-f the Commissioners took advantage of tho half-hour of marginal grace which the Act allowed between the statutory time set down for meetings and the last moment at which they could be still held within tho bounds of legality. But tho waiting Commissioners of Happyland were sure that before eight o'clock ono or two of tho absentees would stroll in. They had never failed before.

The Board's "offices" were not palatial; far from it. They were Mr. Baird's suito. As well as being Clerk to the Happyland Board, Mr. Baird carried on a, small graiin and produce business, and rented two dim rooms at an out-of-way corner of a big mercantile firm's wool store. One room on tho street front Mr. Baird assigned to his dealing business, the back rcom was sacred to the business of tho Happyland Board. Save for occasions when Mr. Baird was compelled to store samples of potatoes, onions, or wheat therein.

The illumination was an oil lamp swung from the ceiling. It was a lamp of moods. It seldom favoured the Commissioners with a steady, bright light—either it burnt jumpily, and smoked furiously, or else glimmered exceedingly dimly. On this night it was low-spirited. Clerk Baird was gazing at it. He was a very absent-minded man, and a frown was downing from his forehead into his side whiskers. Had he, or had he not, filled that lamp, recently? For the .life of him he could not recollect. "Ye knaw," he said, turning to tho Chairman, "I ne'er cud ken tha-at lemp."

Mr. Wambley was not listening. Where was his Board? "I saw Commissioner Llewellyn this artemoon," called out Mr. Toggles from the further end of the table. *' 'E was goin' ter Mil that 'ere Taniworth cross pig of his'n, an' 'o sed 'e might be late.* I should say it 'ud be a bristly critter to scrape." This news only caused the Chairman to toy moro gloomily with the correspondence, when Mr. Sneesby came dn. "Good evenin', Commissioner," the waiters chimed. It was seldom that they failed to address one another as Commissioner; if there was such a lack tho Chairman severely called tho offender to order.

Mr. Sneesby was a faded little man. At Board meetings he always wore his doublebreasted frock-coat and a Gladstone-like collar with loose black cravat. Ho had been a model of the fashion in the early 'eighties, and had never moved on with the modes. , Quietly he would glido to his chair; fold his big coat over its baclc; and' place his flat-topped hard hat and gloves on top of a sprouting bag of onions which had apparently been pensioned off in his corner. This invariable routine attended to, from a coat-tail pocket lie would produce ,a big-bowled pipe, and a cake of tobacco. These he would lay on tho order paper in front of him. For a few moments he would sit in thought at tho table—perhaps in thanksgiving for his safe .arrival at the meeting place—and then opening his bigbladed knife he would commence to exit up tobacco, and steadily pursue this task till question-time, when the Commissioners were permitted by the Chairman to smoke. Mr. Sneesby, frugal saver of time, utilised the moments which, others spent in discussion in steadily reducing the .plug to smoking order, and getting up a supply for the interim till next Board meeting. He had not, with the times, descended to buying the flake-cnt article. "The minutes please, Mr. Clerk," said tho .iChairman. and Mr. Sandegrew, the youngest member of tho Board, came in. He was chairman of the Literary and Debating Society, and had been elected on tho Progressive ticket. Mr. Sandegrew bowed, in the approved Mutual Improvement Society manner, to the elderiy Commissioners and apologised for his lateness —"altogether unavoidable," he told Mr. Wambley. -

Mr. Baird had got through the minutes: signed,and confirmed; the correspondence was being read; and Commissioner Sneesby's little pile of tobacco was growing. "A letter from the Editor of the 'Tussockland Eagle,' gentlemen." And Mr. Wambley tapped the table. "He refuses to divulge where his reporter secured tlio information about the erection of the lamp in Wilderness Road. He writes: 'It has never been the policy of our journal to reveal our news sources. Every care is taken, though, to avoid personal attacks on our public mem. • Seeing, however, the great moment of the question at issue, and the suspicion that there is a leakage from official sources in the Board's departments. I solemnly state that our note regarding the candle-power of the Wilderness Eoad lamp was nqt supplied by your Lighting Committee, and certainly not by its Chairman.'" During the -reading of this letter there was a profound silence, except for tho squeaking of tho rats in' the produce room. Even Commissioner Sneesby had stopped cutting up his tobacco. Commissioner Tozer, a very ponderous personage, a typical country squire, and Chairman of tho Lighting Committee, roso at tire conclusion of the reading. Ho leant heavily on the table. He had been subject to attack in the "Hawk" over the "Eagle's" scoop. "That satisfies me, he roared. All I wanted was a benediction of my character," And satisfied that lie had got it, he sat down. The correspondence was nearly finished, when shuffling and 'hobbling sounds arose in tho produce store-room. These continued; someone was groping around like a lost soul. The sounds presently smoto the ear of Jfr. Baird. "Tha-at's auld Clithera'. Wha's wrang wi' 'im," ho growled. Commissioner Clitheroe ■ soon let them know what was wrong with him. "Zcems to mo," he drawled, as he at last found the Board-room door, "tho Board's very sparin' with tho light those times." Mr. Baird was apologetic; he was sure lie had lit the lamp in the outer room. Could it havo Tun dry of oil? And lie glanced moro uneasily at tho swinging lamp. Mr. Clitheroo's complaint was unheeded by his fellows. Ho had been a proBoer, and even in these later years was unforgiven. If ho had knocked his shins stumbling around in the darkness, serve him right. Commissioner Clitheroe did not apologise for his delayed arrival. Of patriarchal mien, ho was an independent and stubborn old gentleman, and when in the humour, stood out against the whole Board. "How are the Tates coamin' in?" he asked the clerk. Mr. Baird said that he had posted all the notices, as instructed. But he liad made a most unfortunato mistakelie had addressed thorn all to himself—a thing ho had never done before. Consequently, after an absence for a few days on a country dcaljie had returned to find his letter-box overflowing with the notices. "I sint thiin a' oot agen," lie plaintively remarked. "Eet was a daft thing to do." "That the clerk's action be approved, moved Mr. Sandegrew, but the chairman glowered him into silence. "And the agreement with the Rangi-o-vrhenui Board, Mr. Baird, f said Mr. Clitheroe. "Is that ready?" Mr. Baird said it was. "Gie me tlia'at wee bit cannel," he asked Mr. Sneesby. And, lighting it, he began to grope in a dark corner. "Noo, I was very carefu' in putting that awa'. Whaur did I pop eet?" And shifting sacks and musty papers, ho found his safe, but it was not there.

"I'll hae eel: for naixt meeting." ho told Commissioner Clitheroe. who seemed content now with evening things up for his darksome entry. The Llewellyn bowed in the doorway. "Better late than never," he assured Mr.* \Yajnbk>T«

"How much did the pig weigh?" queried Mr. Toggles, but the Chairman suppressed l him, and stated that tho ranger reported that a settler in the west riding had broken through tlio fences of a board reserve, and had turned his stock in. Had anyono been out that way of late? Mr. Sandegrew said ho was shocked to hear, the revelation made by the chairman. In the olden times one would not be surprised at such depredations on other.-.-' property. In all his public life (ho was ageil twenty-six) ho lind never come across such a scandal. Reference to English history showed Mr. Wambley said there had been no reference to English history. Mr. Sandegrew was out of order, and must sit down. The Debating and historical Commissioner subsided. However, tho Progressives would one day prevail. "What shall we do in tho matter, gentlemen?" asked Mr. Wambley. Commissioner Sneesby, who was nearing tho end of his plug, seemed likely to speak, when the lamp spluttered; flickered agitatedly for a few second?, and went out. Mr. Sneesby lit a match, his pipe, and the piece of candle. "Baa-ird'a am old hoombug," Commissioner Clitheroe said to Commissioner Toggles, as in the faint glow of the inch of candle tho rats seemed to scutter apd squeak moro merrily. _ ' "An up-to-date Board like us wants batter accommodation and a sprucer clerk," said Mr. Toggles. Mr. Baird stood on tho table, shaking the lamp. Just as he thought,-.ho said, he must have forgot to fill it—a thine ho had never done before. And that was all tho candle lie had, too. And while lie was speaking, he might as well toll the board, as ho was nearly forgetting to do, that he would bo resigning, as ho had accepted tho clerkship of the Itangi-o-whenui Board, "whose deestrick rins fer thirty mile," and it would be "unconvaynient" for him to attend to the two boards' work. Commissioner Clitheroe thought so too, and said so.' The other Commissioners, each eyeing the dwindling piece of candle, said that Mr. Baird had always shown a thorough grip of the afFairs of tho Board, and from him tho slightest detail had not proved unworthy of attention. It would bo hard to get anyone to fill his placo. Mr. Clitheroe said he was sincerely of that opinion, too. "And," speaking directly at the clerk, still standing on tho table, "when you go to Rangi-o-whenui let there be a little more light on its affairs than has been the case in Happyland this evening." _ "Verra wed, Commeesioner Clithera', said Mr. Baird.

And the candle, threatening an early dccease, the Commissioners fell into lino behind Mr. Sneesby, who had been gravely contemplating the guttering glim, and filed out.